UnNews:Britain to have a Santa Claus election
| Democracy Dies with Dignity | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 23:14:59 (UTC) |
| Britain to have a Santa Claus election | 
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6 November 2019
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Great Britain is going to the polls for a Christmas General Election. British Prime Minister Boris Johnson got his vote to dissolve parliament and wash the remains down the sink. It is going to be a 'no-holds-barred' election to decide if Brexit happens in late 2019 or 2020; have another referendum on the previous one; or revoke it, get out of bed, and carry on with life. It is also being called the Santa Claus vote, as both main parties are promising lots of financial gifts.
Johnson called for a General Election following his previous pledge to 'die in a ditch' if Britain didn't leave the European Union on 31 October. He failed, and both death and ditches were looking less attractive. He failed. He then came up with a last-minute deal with the EU, which was a lot like the one that didn't work for his predecessor, Theresa May, either. It looked like Johnson had simply copied and pasted most of her deal into his, except that Northern Ireland would be both leaving the EU and staying at the same time. This was called the 'Cakist' (have cake and eat it) or Schrödinger's cat solution.
The Conservative Party will fight the election in defence of this 'deal,' which will see Britain out of the EU completely in a year's time and then free to go it alone on the world stage. Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn is promising a referendum on the 2016 one, with extra time and penalties as a fallback if both sides are 1-1. The Liberal Democrats want everyone to forget everything that happened before June 2016. Their new leader, Jo Swinson, says she is better than either Johnson or Corbyn. She looks prettier in prime colours.
Other parties are expected to do well. Nigel Farage's new 'Brexit Party' want Britain to leave on Christmas Eve and send gift-wrapped turds to EU leaders. UKIP (Farage's former party) has lost its leader Richard 'Dick' Brain but awaits A.N.Other Cockwomble to step up and explain what it might do next. The Scottish National Party will push for independence and summon the spirit of Mel Gibson to go for broke. The Green Party are expected to win one seat by their evergreen publicist Caroline Lucas.
The election will happen on 12 December. Current favourites are the Conservatives, but experienced political watchers now reckon the Monster Raving Loony Party and their new recruit, Lord Buckethead (they have formed an alliance), could be the surprise political package. Buckethead is said to be back on Earth after a long trip to the other side of the galaxy. If the end result is a political stalemate, everyone will be getting hammered until the New Year.
Sources[edit]
- Staff "Great Britain to have a General Election in December". BBC, November 05, 2019