UnNews:Bankman-Fried ordered to drive Pinto

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6 March 2023

The judge will not have to order Bankman-Fried to extend the primitive lifestyle to his clothing.

PALO ALTO, California -- Judge Lewis Kaplan is set to order Sam Bankman-Fried to drive a 1972 Ford Pinto.

The order, supported by prosecutors as well as Bankman-Fried's own lawyers, comes on the heels of a motion to force the crypto entrepreneur to ditch his Android phone for a reliable old flip-phone. These "burner" phones, available for $20 at Walmart, cannot be discarded or crushed to destroy evidence, even if one is Hillary Clinton. Judge Kaplan noted that there was a threat that Bankman-Fried could tamper with witnesses in his financial fraud case, something that is flatly impossible with a flip-phone, as users can barely hear what the other party is saying.

Judge Kaplan is contemplating other orders he might issue, having allowed Bankman-Fried to be "detained" in the basement of his parents' mansion here, during his trial on the other coast, to keep them from helping him evade justice in other ways. They took out a second mortgage on the mansion to "pay" the $250 million bond.

Bankman-Fried's music options in his new wheels will be limited to a glove compartment of 8-track cartridges.

Bankman-Fried may be ordered to get a modem and keep current only over BBS systems, listen only to Disco and Eurotrance, wear a full-body, striped bathing suit when going down to the beach, and write on a blackboard one thousand times, "I will not steal customer funds and plow them into Bitcoin."

Judge Kaplan said he will receive additional filings on his MySpace page.