UnNews:April business round-up

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16 April 2014

This is an UnNews business round-up. Giddy-ap, business news!

Advertising account executives enlist a new pitch-man for Taco Bell's breakfast menu.

MADISON AVENUE, New York -- Taco Bell has rolled out a new set of commercials revolving around testimonials by consumers in different parts of America who are actually named Ronald McDonald. These eaters are expected to arouse pity by having parents so clueless as to have been somehow unaware of the ubiquitous McDonald's clown mascot of the same name when they filled out the birth certificate. They swear by Taco Bell's new breakfast menu — despite the usual prohibition on swearing on American television.

Not to be outdone, McDonald's ad executives went to the inner city of Detroit and found African Americans named Enchirito, Chalupa, and Choco Taco to endorse breakfast under the Golden Arches.


WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Several Democratic members of the U.S. House of Representatives assailed a new drug, calling executives of manufacturer Gaza War Sciences to testify before Congress. Reportedly, the once-a-day pill cures hepatitis 95% of the time, as opposed to a regimen of injections that provides a couple extra years of semi-normal life while one waits for one's liver to finish turning to sawdust. Only, it is $84,000 a whack.

Rep. Henry Waxman (D-NY) will flog the mesmerizing "affordability" theme to claim that it is too hard to purchase the drug, compared to last year, when it was merely impossible. Rep. Waxman, for whom heroin users are a key constituency, said he hopes the U.S. government can do for hepatitis what it has done for both health insurance and Cable TV rates. Corporate executives are delighted to "testify before Congress," or at least before reps of the out-of-power party, and do not become the least bit suspicious even though the "hearings" occur in a double suite of the Hampton Inn just off the Capital Beltway.