UnNews:America warms up to Obama-care

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Thursday, December 9, 2021, 13:18:59 (UTC)

America warms up to Obama-care UnNews Logo Potato.png

17 January 2011

Nancy Pelosi gives John Boehner a gavel she knows is too large for him to swing with accuracy.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A new poll has shown that Americans are warming up to the signature health care law passed in 2010 through the urging of President Obama.

The poll finds that 40 percent support the law, while 41 percent oppose it. That sounds bad for Mr. Obama, doesn't it? But unbiased media experts all point out that it's better than it was in November, better than it would be if it followed a straight line, better than it could have been, and better than "expectations." Just like the reports on the American economy and 9.5% unemployment.

The House of Reprehensibles was to have voted to repeal the law last week. However, a madman in Arizona shot a member of Congress and killed 6 people. Though there is no evidence he was political, the entire press corps urged Republicans to postpone the "controversial" vote, and to avoid making extreme and confrontational statements that could get more people killed, such as, "We came to Washington to achieve results." Republicans obediently dummied up, and Speaker John Boehner even shed a few tears, though that doesn't prove a thing.

Why must she be so...not with the program?

But Sarah Palin threw caution to the wind and accused Democrats of a "blood libel." In fact, Republicans have never baked the blood of Democrats into their ceremonial bread, and Democrats have never accused them of doing so. No one has even accused Jews of cooking with Democrat blood. Dozens of madmen are loading bullets into the oversized chambers of their scary assault weapons right now, probably, and it's all her fault.

In contrast, the charismatic President went to Tucson to remember the dead. A medicine man from the Yaqui tribe gave the benediction, to "our fellow creatures that slither on the earth and that live under the earth"--the essence of bipartisanship. The shaman's presence dispelled the nagging notion that America is Christian--while maintaining the notion that Mr. Obama is. After a rock band warmed the crowd up, Mr. Obama took the stage with his Attorney General and his Secretary of Homeland Security, guitars in hand, and wowed the crowd. The President gave a speech, with thunderous applause at every line, and everyone got free T-shirts. The smash performance might be key in the improving poll numbers. Speaker Boehner sent his regrets for missing the somber rock-fest, as he had cocktails scheduled for the same time.

Associated Press was the first to celebrate report the findings of the poll, which was conducted by UnNews, using helpful volunteers from the Democratic Party and the Autoworkers' Union. Over 900 Americans were contacted by telephone. In an accepted process known as "norming," when about 600 said they were Republicans, the pollsters hung up on them, to get a sample that reflects the national statistics that say a majority are Democrats. The margin of error of the poll is substantial. But that's not important, when you have a ready-made way to avoid being on the wrong side of this issue.