UnNews:4G users turn to roast pork for fast internet

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20 April 2016

In the country, you can't beat meat to meet new internet friends.

PADSTOW, Cornwall -- Mobile internet users are turning to portable roast pork loins to access high speed internet on the move. The discovery that the UK’s highest wireless data transfer speeds can be gained through their favourite roast dinner choice, has been a boost for the farming industry, but a concern for Twittering vegans.

Research from consumer group Which? and independent mobile coverage experts OpenSignal have found "meat-comms" to be 1000 times faster and more reliable for mobile customers in rural areas. By conventional methods, country folk are only really able to access 4G 53 per cent of the time; but can get their hands on a pig very easily. It has been discovered that replacing an Apple iphone with a kilo of scrumptious roast pork with apple sauce, not only increases coverage, but also is free of crackling when speaking, provided the user removes the crackling.

Andrew Singer, from the University of Illinois, has previously worked on building high speed mobile broadband for the navy using mackerel, and realised that a similar approach could be used for land-based carnivorous mobile internet users. He said: “Pork is a lump of salt water, oil, bones and tissue. Communicating through roast pork and communicating through mackerel is very similar, but be aware, charging policies of satellite companies regarding offshore broadband are a bit fishy.”

Trendy North London vegetarians, who often visit the rural West Country to enjoy a bit of surfing and afterwards a bit of…erm…surfing, are complaining that the use of cooked meat for internet access is cruel, and attracts bugs. Funky mobile broadband company EE is attempting to get tasty 4G speeds from tofu and Quorn, but according to testers it is just not as good as the real thing.

Vegans are also accusing their pescatarian cousins of taking a somewhat shellfish approach to the issue, pointing out that a 3G lobster may have a decent signal and convenient telephone handset shape, but there is a principal at steak. The fish eaters however, feel that vegetarians are, more than likely, embarrassed about having to wave a stick of celery about just to get text messages, and suggest they try a red-herring.

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