UnNews:49 dead, no one knows why

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UnFair and UnBalanced ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, December 21, 2024, 16:58:59 (UTC)
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13 June 2016

It was a big day for yellow ribbons and city officials, although neither will tell us what happened.

ORLANDO, Florida -- The early Sunday massacre of 49 people here left frustrated news writers grappling with the style manual.

The massacre occurred at Pulse, a nightclub catering exclusively to gay revelers, and the style manual directs us not to mention this fact, as they are merely expressing their inevitable innate preferences and dwelling on it would seem homophobic.

Meanwhile, Omar Mateen, 29, a man known to the FBI as an ISIS sympathizer, entered the nightclub despite not being gay at all, although we don't know because it would be impolite and maybe unethical to ask. When he saw men kissing on the dance floor, he reacted in typical Muslim fashion, though we are not allowed to state this either, as it might cost subscriptions in the city's no-go zones.

Consequently, American TV networks dealt with the biggest terror massacre in U.S. history not involving airplanes by reporting nothing at all.

Mr. Mateen, who had touted terrorism to his co-workers until they called the FBI, and had called 911 stating exactly what he was about to do and why, unexpectedly heeded the call of the Koran to "convert infidels by the sword." Unfortunately, Mr. Mateen did not possess a sword, though finding himself in a sea of Gay Blades. Therefore, he used a Homophobia Rifle and let it conduct the Hate Speech — even though Florida, like many other states, has a law against pressuring homosexuals to become straight. The Supreme Court has stated that the Constitution confers an individual right to bear arms, but the Ninth Circus has just clarified that that doesn't mean you can take them anywhere. Mr. Mateen, however, had not read the verdict and began converting infidels — into lunch meat. The infidels, by comparison, had observed the municipal ordinance not to bring weapons to an establishment where liquor is served.

Someone called the police — who, unlike NASA and the U.S. Air Force, have not yet been re-purposed toward Outreach to Islam. They arrived and ended the massacre in not even three hours, net of union-mandated cigarette breaks.

Not only are newsmen bound by their professional duty not to state what happened, but politicians are in a quandary on how to react to an event they cannot read a description of. However:

  • Donald Trump called for President Obama to resign over his unwillingness to refer to the attack as Islamist terrorism, because Trump is not bound by any professional duty.
  • Obama, who didn't even resign after referring to his policy centerpiece as Patient Protection and Affordable Care, did not resign now either. Instead, he met with Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi and pledged a joint response to "extremists," such as the Koch Brothers, who threaten to kill the entire nation by drowning it in postcards.

Inexplicable Muslim Terrorism

Latest in a Series

  • House Speaker Paul Ryan called for Obama's Outreach to Islam to be scrapped and replaced by a Republican Outreach to Islam, which would be better managed and more effective — assuming voters elect a Republican president, though he is not yet convinced he likes the guy.
  • Hillary Clinton, who made history last week by being the first person ever to win a major-party nomination who is facing federal felonies and whose aides are refusing to cooperate with the FBI, stated: "What difference — at this point — does it make?" Indeed, as we cannot bring the dead back to life, it is time for the nation to MoveOn — perhaps to expand the No-Gun Zone to include not just where Mr. Mateen attacked but wherever he was before he got there. And she has a vagina.
  • Governor Rick Scott traveled to Orlando and held a press conference, calling for a statewide moment of silence plus a full day of collective non-judgementalism, this one even bigger than the last one, which seems not to have worked.

Mr. Mateen retreated to the Men's Room, and the only nightclub patrons who survived the attack were those who, despite claiming not to be interested in ladies, exercised their newly declared federal right to barge into the Ladies' Room. In the moments before lawmen closed in and shot him to death, Mr. Mateen phoned the FBI and swore allegiance to the leader of ISIS and to the Zarnayev brothers who committed the Boston Marathon massacre. But Secretary of State John Kerry told the nation that we must continue our search for motives behind the massacre — which he was not ready to concede there had been one of — without relying on the usual trite stereotypes.

Sources[edit]

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