UnBooks:Interesting Excerpts from My Mother's Diary

Below are a collection of interesting excerpts from my mother's diary, which ultimately totals 15,000 volumes covering 60+ years of her life. My friend who is a criminologist confirms that this is all legit.

Excerpts

Ted was very cute. His eyes had a sensual, soft look of "I want to rape and choke you." Oh how I could have stared into them forever.

March 3rd, 1966
My date with Ted...

Ted and I went to McUnther's Bar & Grill for dinner last night. He had some sort of red sauce on his arm, which he joked was "hooker's blood." He was really cute, except for the large disgusting mole on his neck which looked a lot like the Salisbury steak he ordered.

Yet, he was charming. He told me about his job at Safeway bagging groceries, and about school. As the dirty whorish mother of an Uncyclopedian I of course kept thinking about the size of his penis and what it would feel like stuffed down my gullet while he choked me. If only I could find a would-be serial killer who would love to violently brutalize me ... we could live together in fulfillment, and he would not have to kill a bunch of dirty women to get off. (Oh God how I hope that the previous sentence doesn't turn out to be foreshadowing!)

But Ted isn't like that. Ted is clean, smart, and good-natured. If anyone in the history of anyone would ever be a serial rapist and murderer, it would most certainly not be Ted. (This too!)

Oh! He told me the funniest joke which made me spit up peas into my pop:

Q. What did the victim say to her rapist as he strangled her to death?

A. Nothing, because my cock was still in her mouth.

I told the joke to my roommate but she didn’t get it.

---

Mr. Gacy in his clown costume, entertaining the children at Anthropophagus' birthday party.

April 1st, 1978
Anthropophagus' birthday...

Anthropophagus turned four years old today. All of the anxiety I had about the party was alleviated by the presence and entertainment of Mr. Gacy in his clown costume. The kids had a blast, except for little Jeremy who was strangely bleeding from his anus after helping Mr. Gacy unload the piñata from his van.

The balloon animals and shapes were the absolute best! Mr. Gacy made a life-like giraffe, followed by a very detailed and impressive portrait of a man stuffing recently-sodomized human corpses into a crawlspace with lime. Little Jeremy got to keep that one, which seemed to liven his spirits.

Mr. Gacy, being the generous man that he is, took no compensation. He even offered to babysit Anthropophagus for free any time we'd like.

The gifts given to Anthropophagus were simply wonderful and very much appreciated ... A handmade gift from Uncle Gein -- a bone saw with a handle made of actual bone -- was perhaps Anthropophagus' favorite. Anthropophagus even made his mommy a card for his birthday. In it was a wonderful drawing of him disemboweling me with a box cutter. I hung it up on the fridge and wrote "A+" on it to make it seem as though he does well in preschool.

---

Why are all of the cute guys gay?

May 21st, 1988
First day of my new job...

Two months after moving to Milwaukee, I started my new job at Uncle Bob's Discount Chloroform and Drill Store. I sure was nervous. Anthropophagus has a part time job with me after school, which he's settling into. He's good with his hands. Milwaukee sort of smells funny, but got to visit where they filmed Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley. Laughed when I thought about the Fonz.

Had a lovely chat to one of the customers, Jeffrey, who works at the local Chocolate Factory. He was there with a young friend of his with a funny name, Balsack Trombone or something. Nice boy; he and Jeffrey seem very close. He invited Anthropophagus over to his flat sometime for a bite to eat which I'm sure he will take him up on.

Jeffrey stocked up on assorted powertools and enough anesthetic to down a small rhino, and I received a sizable commission from Uncle Bob for the sale. Sure hopes he gets his money's worth from their use.

---

A decent, blue collar man working in a ketchup factory. Your working class hero, no?

January 19th, 1991
The biggest ketchup stain I have ever seen!

Anyone who has been to Kansas knows it's full of weirdos. I saw a guy at the laundromat who looked pretty exhausted and put only one shirt and one pair of pants into the wash. The shirt was strangely covered in large red stains. He gave me a pleasant look when he saw me notice it.

He spoke up before I could even ask about it and told me it was his work uniform. When I asked him where he worked, he told me the ketchup factory. He introduced himself as Dennis and seemed very congenial. In fact, he reminded me of that guy Ted a lot. He asked if I lived alone; when I told my son was a stoner high school dropout who sits in the basement all the time reading hentai, he laughed and jested that "sometimes it just makes you want to strangle them." Couldn't agree more.

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