UnBooks:Diary of a Monkey Lover
There I was, laying half dead in the middle of a forest. What had my life become? I had gone from a decent family man to a sick pervert. A monkey pervert. I came out to the forest because I thought I was missing something. But I found her. I found true love true in someone completely unexpected. But it all came to nought. I will tell you of the events that have lead me to this point, although it is a tragedy, I feel there is much to be learned.
Chapter 1: Need for Change
My life was quite normal. I had a steady job, two young kids, and a wife. But soon I realised that I needed a change of pace. Ever since my wife shaved her batcave, it... Well it never worked out for me any more. I craved that fuzzy feeling of hair, the warm wavy fur that protects the skin. I just lost interest in my wife, and, by extension, human beings in general. But I didn’t want to be asexual. There was – there had to be something out there that I had feelings for.
So I told my wife I was going to New York. On business. But instead I went on one of those “escape tours”, with a guide and a bus with no AC. The first one available was one to Africa. Without reading the description, I signed up and I was on my way for the change of a lifetime.
Chapter 2: Lost
What it turned out to be was four weeks of a bunch of old people in underwear (and the occasional diaper) yelling random gibberish and cutting off chunks of their own skin (I found out later that I’d escaped with refugees, fleeing from a retirement-home in Florida). Of course I was nervous but I muddled through until they all started committing suicide. I think it was a competition. Every night, one person would stand by the campfire and perform their last act, each trying to out shine the previous. So one night, before I was due to perform, I snuck away and ran as far from the tribe as I could. It was late and I couldn't find any sign of civilization. Eventually I ran so far that for some reason I couldn't see the moon or clouds and the ground became soft. In the darkness I tripped over something, cracked my head against a tree and then passed out.
When I woke up sometime later, I found myself in a jungle. It was very warm and smelt like... trees. I looked down at my feet to see what had tripped me. It was the slightly elated looking remains of Mr Bedford, the fourth performance. He’d done something interesting with dynamite and we’d all presumed he’d been blown to bits. Apparently he’d flown several miles, though.
I decided to explore for a bit. I began to notice the echoing monkey noises and bird screeches and I suddenly felt very calm and at peace. But not yet complete. Then out of nowhere a chimp fell out of a tree and damn near hit me! She got up and stood with a slight, forward curve. Like a hunchback but with far more grace.
I thought it would just run away, scared of getting poached, but instead it came up to me, and touched my hand. We shared a look and she grinned at me. Just a cute little smile and it was then, and only then, my heart felt completely whole. And I knew this monkey was something special.
Chapter 3: True Love
A strong connection formed and we went on a lovely date. She held my hand and took me around the jungle. She showed me the very edges of the forest. We splashed around in a spring, and watched bugs (she ate a few). Then we climbed up a tree. I was really out of practice, but she helped me. She laughed when I slipped but she never let me fall. I had decided to name her Matty.
I watched her as she caught a cute little lion (I thought of it as Simba) and bashed its head in with a rock. And ate it. Raw. It was beautiful! She offered me some of her cold lion feast. I didn't particularly care for it, but I didn't want her to feel bad so I ate it anyways.
Next, we walked to a particularly floral clearing. The flowers here were especially beautiful, but not as beautiful as my flower. As we sat among them, I picked one, and gave it to her. Matty smiled and giggled a little, or the monkey equivalent of a giggle, which actually scared me at first, it sounded like an angry sewage pipe (as it turns out this simile is much closer to the truth than I’d expected). Then she gave me a kiss on the cheek, or the monkey equivalent of a kiss, which is actually quite gross. But I couldn’t care, it was Matty after all.
I walked her back to her tree, and she gave me another (better targeted) kiss on the cheek before smiling and climbing up her tree. I watched her until she disappeared into the canopy. I already missed her.
Chapter 4: Monkey Business
When Matty left and I was certain no one was around to see me, I spun around for a bit and danced around the trees. I had never felt so happy in my entire life. I had found what I had been looking for, and life simply couldn't be better (excluding winning the lottery).
I began to look for some sort of bed or place to rest. During my search and after disregarding the clearing Matty took me to (I have terrible hay-fever) I came to the pond where Matty and I had swum. There, I found another monkey. She was bathing and wrapped up in her own little world.
I watched in awe as I saw this even more beautiful monkey splash around. It was hot, sexy, stunning and so terribly, terribly wrong. But I couldn't take my eyes away. I wanted to jump in and splash around with her, without heed of Matty. But I couldn’t be unfaithful amongst another species. So instead I watched. My penis stirred and grew steadily into a full on erection – I couldn't control myself! Then, like some horribly sexy, wet, monkey-demon, she came out of the water and walked towards me.
She had strut on her that just oozed with sass and the water was dripping off her glorious fur. She grabbed me and wrapped her legs around me, she didn’t mess around and I was powerless with lust. She screeched monkey sounds and got really rough. Then, we did things that shall forever go unexplained, because everyone I have told so far has thrown up. Except for my dad; who ran to the bathroom before I could finish...
Chapter 5: Complications
My eyes fluttered open and I was staring at a sleeping monkey. I spazzed and almost fell off the branch before I realized where I was. Everything last night had happened! I was excited and disgusted at the same time. I was in a committed relationship with Matty, I couldn't go monkeying around like this! I didn't even name this monkey! I quickly named her Stacy. Then I decided not to name her at all. I decided it would be best to just leave without a word. So I tried sneaking out of the tree without waking her up. I was just starting to climb down when I heard a screech behind me. It was Stacy, looking very confused. Well at first she was confused. Then she understood what I was doing and threw the alarm clock at me. She started going ballistic and screeching and jumping up and down absolutely trashing the treetop.
I was frozen. She did a loud call and I panicked – what if she was calling the cops? – I didn’t rape her! If anything she raped me, I’m in a relationship! Down on the ground, I saw a gorilla – a fucking gorilla! He ran to the tree and started climbing it. He got to where we were and I prepared for my death. I closed my eyes and braced myself but the gorilla ran past me. He and Stacy screeched at each other for a bit and then she pointed at me. He turned around very angry and started beating his chest. He charged me.
I jumped out of the tree, grabbed a vine, and swung down. The gorilla was right behind me as I ran. I kept running as fast as I could to Matty's tree. I might be safe there. The gorilla was catching up to me amazingly fast - I was done for. Then all of a sudden a hand grabbed me out of nowhere and pulled me up to safety. The gorilla didn't see where I went and ran around looking for me. I looked back around to see who had pulled me up. It was a very old looking monkey, sitting on a roughly hewn chair. There was another facing him which I took. Behind him, I saw Matty, I couldn’t tell what sort of mood she was in – she couldn’t know already could she? The old monkey stared at me for a while before beginning.
"Ooh Oooh AH" he pointed at Matty. I had only a notional grasp of their language but I think the gist of it was, "What are your intentions with my daughter?"
I had no idea how to respond though, so I just made some childish zoo noises, I think I accidentally broke into Giraffe at one point. I must've offended the old monkey because he stood up and gave me an open palm slap across the face. I stammered quickly trying to come up with something else.
"Aah Aaah Oh Ah Oh". I bellowed. He stared at me, and gently nodded his head. I said the right thing. He asked me other things and I continued to blag my way through the conversation. I did get slapped a few more times but after that he let Matty and I go. It was time for our crucial second date.
Chapter 6: Second Date
Matty again held my hand, and took me to some of the familiar spots. We went to see the flowers again and I picked a bunch for her when she wasn’t looking (I think she’s still puzzled about where they came from). She put one in her hair and it looked adorable. Then we went to the treetops. She taught me to swing among the vines and climb around trees easier.
Then she took me for lunch. She brought an assortment of fruit mostly bananas. She took off the peel and ate them in one bite. It looked like she was deep throating them! and again my pant began to tent. She smiled then took me to meet some of her monkey friends. They all liked me. Or they seemed to, they were picking flies off of me and eating them while hugging me. I think that’s a good thing, or maybe they’re just using me. When I was almost settled in with her circle, Matty looked around confused, like one was missing. She wandered off and I followed her.
We walked around to familiar spots and didn't find this mystery friend. We ended up going to the pool where we first swam and there was Stacy (well, That Other Monkey With No Name Because I am Too Ashamed is too much of a mouthful.). I quickly hid behind a tree.
Matty kept walking and gave a hug to Stacy. Apparently ‘’she’’ was the missing friend! They screeched for a while before Matty noticed I was missing. She quickly found me and dragged me out into the open. She pointed at me, beaming with pride, and Stacy went from happy to angry.
Stacy screeched a few times and Matty looked very confused. Stacy kept screeching. I could pick out the odd word or phrase; “pig” “tiny cock” and “disease ridden”. She was telling Matty what we had done! Matty looked worried, maybe she’d go into denial, we could move to another part of the forest and forget this whole affair happened. But Stacy wouldn’t let up! She screeched and insulted me some more before turning around and crossing her arms, sticking her nose in the air.
Matty looked at me with nothing but heartbreak in her eyes, "Ooh Ah oh?" she asked but I had no answer (mostly because I didn’t understand why she was talking about insurance at a time like this).
She turned around and walked away. I think she was crying.
Chapter 7: Patching Up a Broken Heart
My heart had broken in two, and I felt horrible. I followed her but she started running. I chased after her. She turned a corner and before I could see where she went, I’d lost her. I decided that I had blown it. My one true love had come and gone in just a few short days. It was all over and I sank into the same deep depression I was in before I even came out here.
I went to the place where all the flowers grew, and I twiddled one in my hand. Then I went and sat on a tree top and ate a banana, just like she used to. Then I went to the pond and stared at my reflection. This was the lowest point in my whole life. We could've gotten married. Had some kids and grown old together, but now that was all ruined. No, it couldn't be. It simply couldn't be over! Not yet! I would have to go tell her how sorry I am. Tell her how I truly feel.
I ran to her tree and climbed up it. I shook the branch (actually is quite dangerous if somebody is already on that branch but it works for them) and she looked at me. Long and fierce. I decided to try and say a few things. "Ohh..Ahh, Ooh Ahh OOh Ah Oh AAh AHh Oh," I firmly stated. There was a moment of silence. She turned around, before screeching really loud and charging me. She pushed me off the tree and I fell to the ground. Winded, I couldn't get up. She jumped on the ground and dragged my body to a rock. She grabbed my head and started slamming it into the rock (just like she’d done with poor little Simba). I must've said something really bad – she was trying to kill me! But before I lost all consciousness, she stopped, shat on me, and climbed back up her tree.
What had my life become? I was a wreck! I lay here now about to die, when I had a family and a good job. Then I come out here and screw it all up. I am a total wreck. I mean I have MAJOR problems. Seriously, who the hell gets turned on by a monkey eating a banana?
Well that's it. The story of my death. I had a good life, as twisted as it may seem, but I die semi-content. Well...what is that? Oh I hear something. Is that a gorilla? Oh shit! It’s Stacy's gorilla coming to finish the job! Fuck! What is he doing? He just threw me in the air! AHHH! OOOWWW!
I pass out.
Chapter 8: Maybe Something Less Aggressive
I woke up and every inch of my body was in severe pain, especially my rear end, for reasons I care not to think about. You know what? I thought to myself, Maybe this isn't for me. I mean, if I were to ever marry Matty she would have the pants in the relationship because she can obviously kick my ass. Maybe I should just go back home. Go back to my wife and kids...my normal life. No... I can't do that. I could never be satisfied with her after Matty.
I started to hear monkey noises and freaked out. I had to get out of there! I started to stand up but the pain in my ass kept me from running properly and eventually I collapsed. I started thinking to myself again, I got it! I will go back to my old job, but not the wife. I’ll buy an apartment and a dog as replacements! Ya! That'll work. Dogs’re all furry and stuff. Problem solved.
I was determined to live now. I started crawling my way out of there little by little towards the metaphorical light. Until I finally made it out of that horrible jungle and away from that nasty gorilla.
I found a small airport and joined the group of people boarding the plane. It took me a while to notice that they must be what was left of my old tribe. I felt satisfied knowing that I'd had more fun than them.
On the plane I began to think, maybe I will miss Matty. Maybe I will always have a hole in my heart. I decided, as a tribute to the one I loved, to name the dog I was going to get Matty... or Matt if it was a boy... no... I couldn’t have sex with a boy dog. And at nights, when we’re snuggling I can just close my eyes and pretend it is her.
The imagination is a wonderful thing.
 Featured Article (read another featured article)
|
Featured version: 29 January 2010 |
| This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. | |