Timeline of the big bang
Just kidding. This is how the universe actually began, with God building it, and with Earth in the very center. Early on, you'll notice the prevalence of nerdy references; that is because God still hadn't moved out of his mother's basement at that point. Which would be worrisome, if he controlled something important. Like the whole goddamn universe, for instance.
The very early universe
“First there was nothing. And then, it exploded.”
All our understanding of the very early universe is very speculative. No accelerator experiments currently probe sufficiently high energies to provide insight into this period. However, various scientists and theologists have conjectured what the universe must have looked like to begin with; unfortunately, no one has managed to see God's baby photos yet.
Absolutely Nothing: Billions and billions of years
Not much yet.
Les Hart was born, somewhere near Maidstone Kent and immediately set up his first scrap metal business. Professor Dawkins and Prof Stefan Hawking decided to throw in the towel and became pole dancers, immediately moving to Antarctica, many gave a sigh of relief. David Attenborough started writing the history of the earth and his brother invented the Ghandi mad cow machine which later on severely affected the economy of the UK.
More Nothing: Billions and billions of years
Still quite dull.
Endless expanses of Nothing: Billions and billions of years
A light switches on
Hey, wha... ?
Nothing: Billions and billions of years
God I'm bored. I wonder what that light was?
A generator starts up: 1 hour
Ah, here we go....
The Planck epoch: 10-43 seconds
In this epoch, the universe was in its pre-construction stages. The common analogy for this is that God was sitting in his backyard, when a truck pulled into his driveway with a full load of wooden planks. While they were not meant to be delivered to God, he used the opportunity to steal some cheap planks and begin to build the universe.
The Grand Unification Epoch: 10-33 seconds
At this point, God began to construct the universe out of the planks he had managed to get away with. At this point, all parallel universes were the same; thus, Star Trek, Star Wars and our own universe were all at one point linked, along with every other universe ever, up to and including those fruity medieval ones with princes and banners and so on.
The incredibly contradictory world-views of the Star Trek and Star Wars universes began to push at one another at this point. Their widely different future time lines simply couldn't be kept in such close quarters. The energy released by their expansion was catastrophically large, leading to the destruction of the one universe in which the Transformers actually existed. Obviously, God was absent from the whole job at this point.
God takes a break in the kitchen; it is then that he finally finishes off the chicken fingers that had been haunting his fridge for, well, God knows how long.
Alien scientists begin to make up stupid words to sound smarter in front of women. Their first, "Baryogenesis", was a failure, as nobody would admit that such a stupid word existed.
The early universe
At this point, the universe begins to fill with people who can actually give a damn about what is happening inside of it. Beforehand, nobody had cared.
The electroweak epoch: 10-12 s
The first problem with God's universe is noted at this point: electricity is several orders of magnitude less powerful than his original blue-prints should have allowed for. The problem is first noted when his toaster fails to work, and no one from Utilities will answer the phone. Something must be done, and God is just the deity to do it.
So, God had made this, like, totally incomprehensible shape thingy. No, listen: it was like something that in EVERY form was exactly the same across every line, or something. It's like, if you had a worm, but you cut it in circles, and also in spheres, or cubes. It's incredible; like, you could see your future in it, if you looked. But God broke it when he was high.
The hadron epoch: 10-6s to 10-2 s
Thousands of Hadrons attack Lovdrons; in the aftermath, the Universe is critically depleted of Love, requiring God to create cherubs to dispense some of his divine love.
Briefly, consider that it has only been ONE SECOND since the universe was made. Holy shit.
Matter domination: 70,000 years
Ghosts are given the boot. Only those of us with the divine privilege of fleshy bodies are allowed to stay in the universe. In other news, the Holy Ghost is pissed.
Recombination: 380,000 years
Star Trek/Star Wars crossover fan fiction first appears. Yoda kicks Picard's ass.
Scientists are torched, the world denies the universe, which they are suddenly in the center of; plague runs rampant, kings have red hot pokers shover up their asses and life generally sucks. Or maybe this was later.
Humans gain the ability to build houses. Generally, it is considered a good move, as everything was hellas the cold beforehand. Finally, people can move to Iceland if for no other reason.
Since the expansion of humanity into the world seems to be without end, it is assumed that we'll have to find another universe eventually. Unfortunately, such blasphemy is probably denied by the Catholic Church, and God Himself. We're stuck here, guys. so get some meese. ull be fine
Same deal, but with faster computers.
The Day After Tomorrow
Another disaster movie comes out, much to the dismay of Your Mom, who is gonna have to drive you to the movie theatre about 20 times. She asks a quick prayer of what the hell God, wondering why, oh why couldn't the boy have been more like his father, God rest his soul.
Ultimate fate of the universe
Seems like it'll probably just keep on running, exactly how God intended, because he thought of everything.
- Holtz, Brian (2002). Human Knowledge: Foundations and Limits. Retrieved March 25, 2004.
- PBS Online (2000). From the Big Bang to the End of the Universe - The Mysteries of Deep Space Timeline. Retrieved March 24, 2005.
- Schulman, Eric (1997). The History of the Universe in 200 Words or Less. Retrieved March 24, 2005.
- Space Telescope Science Institute Office of Public Outreach (2005). Home of the Hubble Space Telescope. Retrieved March 24, 2005.
- Fermilab graphics (see "Energy time line from the Big Bang to the present" and "History of the Universe Poster")
- Astronomers' first detailed hint of what was going on less than a trillionth of a second after time began
- The Universe Adventure