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A herd of spheres, lazily grazing upon a featureless infinite plane.

In geometry, a sphere is a cow-shaped inanimate round object with no legs, no horns, no udders, no big sad brown eyes, no floppy ears, and no fur, and which is also prominently missing a tail and a head.

Notable attributes[edit]

Spheres do not give milk[edit]

Spheres are not known to actually give milk of their own accord, but they can be filled with milk or similar ooziferous substances under the appropriate circumstances. In fact, the sphere is capable of holding much more milk per unit surface area than any other beverage container.[1] Unfortunately, accessing the valuable milk stored within is physically impossible, due to the sphere's impenetrable defense mechanisms.



Since spheres do not possess legs, they usually go about their business by rolling in a manner similar to such reptiles as the hoop snake or the tumbleweed. Spheres also have the uncanny ability of flexing their spherically-symmetrical bodies in such a way that they jump straight up in the air. It is not currently known, however, what possible tangible benefit they derive from this strange repetitive leaping behavior, other than simply showing off.

Spheres do not moo[edit]

Spheres do not generally go moo in protest when zapped with an electric cattle prod. In fact, they quite enjoy it, the perverted masochists.

Digestive system of the sphere[edit]

Since spheres are not animals per se, they do not need to consume massive quantities of grass or hay or Purina® Cow Chow™ (or anything else, for that matter). However, on the plus side, they do not drop huge loads of cow shit in random locations.

Does the existence of spheres prove evolution?[edit]

In 1903, evolutionary topologists theorized that the sphere and the cow are, in spite of their many differences, closely related.[2] This stunning and revolutionary idea has been subsequently proved by the indisputable results of atheistic assumptions and genome sequencing.[3] Unfortunately, scientific creationists remain totally unconvinced, claiming that they find it impossible to believe that a clean animal could be derived from an unclean geometric manifold (or vice versa).[4]

In spite of all the heated controversy and ethical considerations and what-not, spherical cow hybrids are looming ominously like inflated hot water balloons on the genetic engineering horizon. Impoverished farmers of the not-too-distant apocalyptic Past will at long last have the ability to swamp the already-bloated milk market with so much more unwanted milk that they will reap billions in government subsidies not to milk their gigantic spherecows.

See also[edit]


  1. Johannes Kepler (1603), Beverage-containing Efficiency of the Musical Spheres, pp 137-39
  2. Farmer Brown (1903), Cows Are Isomorphic to Spheres (More or Less), pp 273-460
  3. Richard Dawkins (1997), Ha, Ha! In Your Face, God!, p 127
  4. Duane Gish, Phd., BA., MBA., MBTA., AAA., NAACP. (1998), Jesus Makes the Cow Go Moo, pp. 673-995