The Rock-afire Explosion

The group fills required federal quotas with a single black character.

The Rock-afire Explosion is the Rolling Stones of the animatronic world. Known well for its portrayal of cheerleaders and African Americans, the Rock-afire has been active since 1981, premiering their cold-faced, heartless renditions of music your grandmother has on worn-out cassettes at your local Showbiz Pizza franchise.

After copious-finger pointing, in 1989 The Rock-afire Explosion entertainment was removed from Showbiz Pizza, but has been "active" ever since, including in other food chains where the food is an insufficient attraction, and even in haunting YouTube videos.

History

In 1976, while in a 'shroom-induced haze, Aaron Fechter got the wild idea to create an animatronic version of Sha-Na-Na. Later that same year, his dream came true with the Wolf Pack 5, playing all the songs your local run-down diner plays on repeat forever. People were scared, but didn't have the guts to tell Aaron that the short dog behind the drum kit keeps giving them suggestive stares, and awarded Aaron with some neat trophies or something. Later, on another drug trip, Aaron copied Disney's 'Country Bear Jamboree', and remarkably evaded all copyright claims like an 11 year old on DeviantArt. Fechter was on top of the world, and a very special man by the name of Bob Brock demanded he give him his robots in return for money. Fechter agreed, and Showbiz Pizza opened its doors in 1980 with the Wolf Pack 5, and in 1981 with the Rock-afire Explosion.

Characters

The Rock-afire sports a wide variety of characters, with some taking up most of the showtime, and some who literally haven't said a single word.

Rolfe Dewolfe and Earl Schmerle

Rolfe Dewolfe is a former Elvis-impersonator and current loser. He sits with with his puppet pal Earl (Animal from the Muppet's less popular cousin). Their 'comedy' routine usually revolves around the two having borderline-marital issues, all while goofy music plays in the background, imposing the feelings you felt as a kid when you heard Mommy and Daddy talking about 'splitting up'. The other band members hate Rolfe and refuse to acknowledge his existence. Fatz Geronimo has had frequent fist-fights with Rolfe, though when approached about it, he claims he 'dindu nuffin'. While Rolfe reminisces about 'the good old days', when disco and 8-track were socially acceptable, Earl shoots down every little thing, all the while calling him a geek, and likely pushing him further toward suicide.

Dook Larue

Dook Larue is the drummer of the Rock-afire Explosion, and also one of the least valuable characters. Known for his stuttering, impatience, and bad joke telling, Dook Larue has a voice of gold. However, on the 3 1/2 tracks he actually sings, he gets no more praise than a pity-clap. Despite this, he miraculously pulls off amazing drums solo while only having a 2-piece kit. In the early years, he only played drums and looked stupid. Sometime in 1985, Dook was struck by a Greyhound Bus, which permanently slowed his speech, resulting in frequent stuttering, and the occasional "uh oh". Following the incident, Dook was pushed to the side to make way for another character and promptly forgotten.

Fatz Geronimo

Filling in the "obligatory black character" role, Fatz Geronimo is known for being, well, fat. It's in his name. Regardless of his morbid obesity and likely short lifespan, Fatz can tickle the ivories with his Botox-stuffed fingers like no other. Being blessed with bass-range vocals, Fatz is rendered objectively useless by the other characters, and is only ever spoken to for comedic relief. While being dead-center in the action, he has a reputation of not doing much. Fatz' role in earlier shows was the M.C., but after long-winded rants and the occasional death threat, he, like Dook, was pushed to the side in favor of other more 'hip' characters.

Beach Bear

Beach Bear is the surfer of the band. Characterized by his sick guitar licks and laid back personality, Beach Bear hardly got any attention in the Rock-afire Explosion to begin with, usually serving as their "background vocal bitch". Prior to 1982, Beach Bear was a more crazy character, known for inappropriate screaming and illiteracy. In 1982, however, somebody realized that having a mentally deranged character on stage wasn't funny, so they put him in rehab until he was deemed safe for society. For some strange reason, however, fans couldn't get enough of Beach Bear, so in 2012, Aaron Fechter took Beach Bear out of his sex dungeon to record "Sittin' Too Long", which reminded fans why Beach should have been forgotten.

Mitzi Mozzarella

While being labeled "the ideal role model for girls in the 80's", in spite of numerous drug-busts and prostitution scandals, Mitzi Mozzarella managed to join the Rock-afire Explosion because "they needed a girl in the band". However, that wasn't why she was there. In the early days, Mitzi's singing sounded just a little better than nails on a chalk board. In 1982, however, the band attempted real music, so she was given vocal lessons to try and lessen the ear-pain. In the later years of the Rock-afire Explosion, Mitzi was given a more pronounced role in the shows, often singing leads, announcing shows, and the occasional material that made the fathers want to stay.

Billy Bob Brockali

The dedicated Mormon of the group, Billy Bob is located on stage left, alongside his alcoholic friend, Looney Bird. Billy Bob ignores his friend constantly being smashed on stage. For years, the instrument Billy plays has been a mystery. Some say it's a guitar, some say it's a bass, and this writer says it's bullshit and nobody should care. In earlier years, Billy Bob had massive tumors on his face that were likely a result of years of smoking and drinking kerosene. In the later years, however, they seemed to disappear. When approached about the subject, he claimed to have never had them, and the "tumors" were just a prolapse of his frontal lobe. Billy has taken the most show time out of all of the characters, though never doing anything useful with it.

See also

• Burger King
• McDonald's (In-store performances)
• American cuisine