The Diary of Anne Frank
“Teenage girls gassing on and on.....phah!”
“Hollocaust jokes are NOT funny, Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.”
The Diary of Anne Frank, the child prodigy and mathematical genius, was only discovered shortly after her very early death in 1945. Born in Germany, Anne spent her childhood in Amsterdam which she described in her diaries as "like, boring!"
Her fixation on her classmate Klaus and their blossoming relationship is heartwarming, acting as a counterpoint to the violence of World War II that was exploding all around them.
Diary of a Young Girl
Anne resolved to begin a "Diary Project" in which the life of the entire nation would be chronicled, thus creating a vast reserve of propaganda to fight World War II with. Unfortunately, she couldn't figure out whom to fight, finally settling for squaring off her mom against Mrs. Van Pels (Mrs. Van Daan) in the wrestling ring (K.O. to Van Dan from the blue corner in the third round), and calling it a day. Over the next four years her diary expanded to twice the size of War and Peace, with little of the Russian classic's gravitas or import. Still, the Diary is a sentimental favorite.
First published in 1952, the book released under the title Tales from the Backhouse, remained relatively unknown (due to most readers not being Dutch and thus having no knowledge of what a backhouse is), however all this was to change. In 1958 the book was republished under the title Diary of a Young Girl. Due to a massive misunderstanding, the book became an instant bestseller amongst middle-aged men in Thailand and Wapanese on 4Chan.
The success brought material gain to the young Anne, but little happiness. She and her three dogs, Toto, Lala, and Ann Coulter spent the remaining years of the war residing in a three bedroom apartment above the Kingdom of Hallmark, from which she spread love and bile to all the needy children in the world. The book has become a touching-stone for middle school children all across the world, who read her diary as part of their yearly curriculum. Most children say that it's 'kind of sad' but also 'kind of boring', unless they're Japanese, in which case the book is 'kind of cute'. Clearly attempts to humanize modern children have failed.
Selected Diary Entries
Sample sections from her diary portray the life of a normal teenage girl:
- June 12th 1941: Saw Klaus watching me again in class. I think he likes me.
- September 3rd 1941: Klaus was telling the class about some super race that he is part of. He looks so athletic that I'm sure he'll win it. He says he's an Ashkenazi, at least thats what I think he said. No doubt we have loads in common. He looks so hawt in those lederhosen.
- August 11th 1941: Klaus's uncle wanted to do a photo shoot of me. I'm so nervous!
- March 21st 1942: We've all received a gold star (Daddy says its because we work so hard) that we have to wear whenever we go out. I think I prefer the nice pink one that Aunty Wilhelm wears.
- July 6th 1942: We're playing hide and seek. Daddy says we need to keep quiet. I think its like when we had to hide from Mr. Zimmerman the Rent Collector. Hope Daddy has enough money to buy me some new shoes. I miss Moortje.
- August 7th 1944: Daddy says that one of his work colleagues has arranged a trip for us. I overheard him talk about "camping" somewhere in Saxony. I'd heard those nice blonde German boys are cute.
- August 14th 1944: The camp is a disgrace, they have clearly overbooked. Also the showers don't seem to be working.
The Future of Anne Frank
Such has been the success of the book, that in 1973 the Dutch Government founded the bustling city of Annefrankhuis, so that Holland could have a place full of terrorists, er, tourists to gawk at, located within the vicinity of Amsterdam.
Despite its cramped situation, Annefrankhuis currently generates in excess of 30% of Holland's tourism income, overtaking Tulip Production and Whore Houses to become the primary source of income for the whole country.
As of December 2006, an additional amusement park called "Anne Frank Land" is currently under consideration, having been proposed by Colonel Klink and some producer from Noo Yawk named Bloom.
Proposed rides include Sieg Heil Tobaggons, The Rattling Death Train Rollercoaster and The Escaping Jew Shooting Gallery, already a popular attraction at Disneyland Paris.
The park, expected to open in 2010, is predicted to be a resounding success, particularly among rowdy youngsters with very bald heads.