Michael Moore
“Things got better after the Reagan voters died.”
Michael Moore (born April 23, 1954) is perhaps the world's most famous walrus who currently resides in the United States where he produces political docudramas and (less notably) haircare products and perfumes. In a special issue of Time magazine, Moore was named "The world's most influential walrus" (though he was the only one on the list).
[Moore reading to kindergarteners the book Forrest Gump.]
Early life[edit]
Like all walruses, Michael Moore was born in the Bering straight. "My parents were good walruses," said Michael in a recent interview, as he was basking by the edge of his tank. His mother was tragically killed by a member of the United States Marines who mistook her for a rather small weapon of mass destruction. This was a tragedy Moore never recovered from, and is said to be one of the main sources of his anger towards some United States policies. Moore grew up to have the characteristics possessed by most walruses: whiskers, tusks, a large bulk, a passion for raw fish, and a tendency to vomit randomly.
Moore did not yet know English at this period in his life; it was not until Al Gore visited the North Pole to interview indigenous creatures about their opinions on Global warming. Moore was inspired by this visit, and committed himself to learning the English language with hopes that some day, he could become an American citizen. He spent the next 8 years meticulously studying, before he made the slightly embarrassing discovery that he had actually been studying French. After several more years, he had a basic grasp of the English language.
Filmmaking[edit]
Moore first became interested in making films when an airplane crashed near him, and a box containing a video camera rolled out. Moore took the camera as his own, and named it Paul. Paul would become one of Michael's best friends, and ultimately ended up as his best man when he got married. Moore was thrilled by the camera, and, after four days with it, had already filmed over 400 films. He planned to release them as a series, but he then realized he had forgotten to remove the camera's lens cap, and all the films were pitch black. He threw the tapes in the ocean, disappointed, and the over 7 hours of blank footage was never released (though it would become the inspiration for Unrelated Quotes Guy's epic project, Udder Kazoo Armpit Mayhem).
His failure did not discourage him for long, though, and after several days Moore had released his first ever documentary, which he called A picture of some ice, and then a picture of some fish swimming around. It was eight hours in length, and was a mixture of professional shots of Moore's every day life (i.e. his parents fishing, the sun rising over the ice caps, his father sneaking off with an Orca when his mother wasn't looking) and shots that Moore had filmed accidentally, but couldn't erase because he couldn't figure out how to press the small "delete" button on the camera with his large, blubbery flippers. His second film was a rather disturbing pornographic video featuring three walruses and a sea lion, which will not be described in detail in this article due to its disturbing, horrific, yet strangely exciting sexual content.
Immigration to the United States[edit]
Soon, Moore realized that the Arctic Circle was not the place for him. "The movies I made were getting very little press," said Moore, "I'd film them, and try and sell them, but none of the other walruses understood what movies were. They'd try to eat them, thinking that they were strangely shaped fish...*chuckles reminiscently*...*belches*...And even if they did buy one of my documentaries, there weren't any movie projectors within a thousand miles. The Eskimos were all using Blu-ray DVD-players, which are useless if you want to watch a cassette tape." The last straw for Moore came when he wanted to make a movie about corruption. He wanted to make something controversial, a movie taking on corruption and unfairness in the system. The only trouble was, there was no corruption going on where he lived. "I tried making a movie about ice being unfair, and about how we need to replace all ice with styrofoam, but I couldn't bring myself to do it," he said, "Then I realized the problem: there are no people in the Arctic! How was I supposed to make a movie about hypocrisy, corruption and stupidity without people? I needed to move." And so, Moore packed up all his possessions (the camera, a piece of ice, and half a fish head) and set off on his journey to the United States.
Moore swam the three miles (197.31 kilometers) from the north pole to Canada, where he had a thumb surgically attached to one of his flippers so he could hitch-hike. He traveled across the nation, and finally arrived at the border of Canada and Maine. He then spent a traumatizing 8 weeks trying to get across the border into the country. At the time, the United States had a rigidly anti-walrus immigration policy, although some types of fur seal were accepted with open arms. After his tenth month of sitting around in a waiting room, attempting to figure out how to hold a pen to sign his paperwork, Moore noticed a moose walking across the border without being hassled, and realized how he could get into the country. He taped a pair of paper antlers to his head so he vaguely resembled a moose, and managed to cross the border without being harassed.
Early days in the United States[edit]
Moore was accepted almost immediately in Maine. He arrived at a small town in the north of the state, where he was adored by local women as "The sexiest male to come to our town since that rhino came with the circus last spring." He didn't stay in the state very long, however, because it was so close to the Canadian border, and because there was no way for an aspiring artist to get a proper start to his career there, unless he wanted to write books about evil cell phones. He moved to Michigan, where he wrote and directed his first film. He had been angered by the ordeal he had had to go through in order to get into the country, and this anger prompted him to make his first film about corruption in the stamp collecting industry (nobody is quite sure how he arrived at that idea). The film premiered at the Traverse City Film Festival in Michigan, where it was slammed as "boring" and "too long" even though it was only 3 minutes, two of which were taken up by the opening credits (there isn't really all that much scandal in the stamp collecting industry). He began publishing a weekly Liberal newspaper he creatively called The Weekly Liberal Newspaper. He appeared at the Democratic national convention in 1999, where he sat next to Jimmy Carter, who later said "He got my shoes all wet, and he smelled funny."
Rise to fame[edit]
After the election of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, Moore was one of the most prominent people to celebrate. "My documentaries are gonna be so awesome now that something preposterous is BOUND to happen!" he was heard saying at a party, before gulping down his eighth glass of sea water and vomiting violently. Sure enough, only eight days into President Bush's time in the White House, Moore had written eight books and directed eleven documentaries about the shortcomings of the president. In the books, he criticized everything from Bush's tax cuts to the wealthy, to Bush's poor tooth brushing habits. Moore's first international bestseller was written with the title "Stupid White Men," but thanks to a rather embarrassing typo, was released under the title "Stupid White Hens." In the months that followed, Moore released several of his most popular films, including Bowling for Columbine, criticizing America's obsession with guns (and featuring disturbing footage of actual shootings--footage that seemed to lose its purpose when members of most audiences cheered, yelling "What a shot!"), Roger Rocks with Me, Moore's only non-political film of the time which documented Moore's friendship with Pink Floyd bassist Roger Waters and ended with Moore performing a rap version of "comfortably numb," Fahrenheit 9/11, which criticized the Bush administration and sparked the Fox News sponsored documentary Michael Moore is a greasy, unpatriotic, Arab loving, sweaty, inbred, ignorant, non-bathing, hat wearing, fart sniffing, lying, over-eating retard, Fahrenheit 7/11, detailing overpricing of Sprite at local 7/11 stores, and Moore's latest film Dunko, which criticizes the doughnut industry, particularly Dunkin' Donuts, for overpricing their products, and calls for a socialized doughnut system.
With the release of each film, Moore became increasingly popular amongst Democrats, and increasingly despised amongst Republicans. He made a guest appearance on Oprah alongside former Pink Floyd member Seamus the dog as part of Oprah's series on famous animals. Later that year, Moore married Kathleen Glynn, a producer, who fell in love with him "Because I loved everything about him, particularly his money." They have one child, a rather freakish walrus-human hybrid named Ted. They live in New York, where Moore has a large tank on the roof of his house that he enjoys swimming in when he isn't basking in the sunlight, or polishing his tusks.
Feeding habits[edit]
Although Moore has been known to eat just about everything in sight (including small children), he does prefer some foods over others.
Moore prefers to feed in shallow shelf regions and to forage on the sea bottom. His dives are not particularly deep compared to other pinnipeds (see elephant seals for example); his deepest recorded dive was around 80 meters, when he spotted a rather large Twinkie on the ocean floor.
Moore has a highly diverse and opportunistic diet, feeding on more than 60 genera of marine organisms including shrimp, crabs, tube worms, soft coral, tunicates, sea cucumbers, and various mollusks. Moore sucks the meat out of these various shellfish by sealing the organisms in his powerful lips and drawing his tongue, piston-like, rapidly into the mouth, creating a vacuum. Moore's palate is uniquely vaulted, allowing for extremely effective suction to be generated by the tongue.
Due to his great size, Moore has only two natural enemies: the orca and the polar bear. However, as he lives in the middle of New York City, Moore has very little chance of being attacked by either creature; nevertheless, he often steers clear of Central Park Zoo.
Fragrance[edit]
Following the lead of such celebrities as Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, Michael Moore has created his own perfume brand, which he calls "Musk." It is created using Moore's sweat, and his body odor is then magnified with several chemicals. He advertises his musk as a sure-fire way of attracting a female. What he usually leaves out of his advertisements is that the perfume only successfully attracts female walruses, which can lead to generally awkward dates, especially if the destination is an aquarium.
Moore's Law[edit]
Moore's Law was enacted by the Florida legislature in 1999. This law makes it a felony to possess or sell any film or documentary produced by Michael Moore. Moore's Law had its beginnings when a Florida Legislator heard some old Geezer complain about the damned kids on his lawn saying "there ought to be a law" and told his fellow congressthings that the old guy had said "we need more laws." As all the legislators are hearing aid wearing geezers themselves, they took this to mean that Michael Moore should be outlawed. Florida Governor Jeb Clampett, President George Clampett's brother, signed the law so quickly that the friction of the pen caught the paper on fire and the law had to be passed again.
Many slashdot nerds believe that Moore's law has something to do with computers, but this is patently false.
Awards and Recognition[edit]
In December 2004, Michael Moore received the coveted "Biggest Douche in the Universe Award" which he stated "is quite an honor, considering the competition." He also received a Grammy for his rap performance of "Comfortably Numb." The biggest honor for Moore, however, came with his winning of the TIME magazine's coveted "World's Most Influential Walrus" award. As he is currently the world's only influential walrus, he is expected to win the award next year as well. That is, unless somebody clubs him to death for his valuable blubber. After obtaining the world record for 'longest time without seeing penis' Micheal was inducted into the Guinness book of world records.