Simón Bolívar

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Mr. Renown himself as seen by a terribly drunk painter.

There’s no doubt about it. Revolutions are great. Tyrants die, and you get to shout things like “In your face Thomas Hobbes! You and your monarchy!” In fact, you could say that revolutions are super. Of course, not all revolutions are wonderful, (the Frenchies did it wrong). But generally speaking, revolution leaders are looked at as heroes, and their faces are printed on money, which we then greedily spend on unnecessary things like hot dogs and alimony. Simon Bolivar was no different, and unlike that selfish attention-hog George Washington, this guy was from a country that wasn’t America, so you know the guy had a hard time.

Following is the history of the man, no-- the legend who successfully liberated a bunch of countries and made people happy and stuff. Furthermore, he wore a uniform, and looked pretty striking in it. Also, he had a sword, which is cool, and probably a statue of himself somewhere. Basically, just remember he was important, and way cooler than that Washington guy.


Simón José Antonio de la Santísima Trinidad Bolívar Palacios y Blanco (born July 24, 1783 in Caracas, New Mexico - died December 12... 2012... on the Santa Maria, one of Christopher Columbus's ships) was a South American revolutionary leader (Texas).

Simon Bolivar stood side by side with Davy Crocket in the battle of the Alamo against the Mexican general Santa. Everyone in the Alamo died during this horrible massacre and he has been the inspiration for the Mexican holiday known only as "Cinco de Mayo", which in English translates to "Pass the Mayonnaise".


At the age of nine, his mother died of bee stings (of which she was allergic). His father had died at the age of three, as he was also allergic to bees and died of bee stings. Bolivar was sent to live with his wacky uncle, Don Juan. Juan didn't like Bolivar, so he sent him to Spain to continue his education.

Bolivar became well educated in many topics, including classical philosophy, "hip" philosophy, bear fighting, the Enlightenment, and revolution-starting.

Perhaps the greatest skill acquired from his aristocratic education was the ability to hot-wire a jeep, a skill which saved his life at the age of 18.

In 1801 he married Michelle Rodriguez, who died of scarlet fever a month later. He NEVER remarried.

Broken-hearted, he decided to study philosophers like Locke, Rousseau, and Napoleon, until he realized that Napoleon wasn't actually a philosopher, but just some really short, feisty guy.

While journeying home from Spain by way of Texas, he decided on a whim that he was going to start a revolution and free every country in South America. Alas, it was a dream he never achieved because he died at the Battle of the Alamo, which happened around that time.

Fun Facts[edit]

Simon's evil twin, Nimon Bolivar
  • Bolivar is known as "El Matador" The Bullfighter.
  • Bolivar wobbles but he doesn't fall down.
  • Bolivar is so The Man, they named a frigging country after him (Bolivia, duh).
  • Bolivar backwards is raviloB. Ravilo B was the Ravilo in which Bolivar lived for 3 years while he was training to become a member of the U.S. Olympic Ski Team. At the Olympic trials, he missed every gate and collided with a stray cow. During his stay in the hospital, he met Xavier, with whom he had alleged sexual relations. He went on Entertainment Tonight and vehemently denied those allegations. A viewer poll showed that 33% of the population thought he was telling the truth, 32% thought he was lying, and 35% favored bananas over apples. Regardless, the scandal forced him into hiding for much of his adult life.
  • Bolivar has only one known living descendant, Bolivia Newton John, known for her infamous song, "Let's Get Revolutional!"
  • Monkeys live in South America.
  • Hugo Chavez always leaves a place at his dinner table free for Simon Bolivar. Bolivar has so-far declined the invitation.


  • "We have ploughed the sea, now let us plow the ladies." ~~Speech to the Argentine National Congress and Dance Club, 1854
  • "If nature is against us, then we shall beat up on tornadoes and earthquakes alike. You guys go first." ~~Battle cry at Agua Profundo, June 19, 1847, where a tornado swept 5000 of Bolivar's troops out to sea.
  • "Is it conceivable that a newly emancipated people can soar to the heights of liberty, and, unlike Icarus, neither have its wings melt nor fall into an abyss? Such a marvel is inconceivable and without precedent. There is no reasonable probability to bolster our hopes. I mean, TODAY WE SHALL HAVE FREEDOM!" ~~Speech delivered in the Plaza de Oro before the Battle of Pequeño Huevos, August 3, 1852
  • "How come everybody gives a shit about George Washington and nobody even knows who I am? Seriously, I liberated a lot of fucking countries! Bolivia, Peru, Urinary...uh, did I say Bolivia already? And Brazil, and Shropshire and Monaco and East Los Angeles! And for what? Am I appreciated? No. You all suck. Did I say Peru? Shit, what is in this punch, anyway?" ~~Posthumous address to the Ché Guevara Dead Liberators' Club, May 5, 1972