SeaQuest
“Star Trek underwater? Brilliant!”
seaQuest DSV/2032 is a (loose) spin-off of the Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea documentary movie and series, set in the weird future of 2018 and beyond. It starred Brody from Jaws as the captain of the squid shaped sub seaQuest (often mistaken for a Japanese sex toy) trying to make the world a better place without blowing anything up, which was quite boring.
The Plot[edit]
The show's drama and excitement was nearly nonexistent during its run. The series started off with Brody (who had changed his name to Bridger as a tax dodge) being tricked into leaving his island and taking over seaQuest from the token black guy in the main cast, backed up by his talking dolphin. And getting shot at by the former captain of seaQuest, who was fucking crazy and perhaps died. Or perhaps not. Then they wandered around aimlessly, despite the fact that pirates roamed the seas and they were in the most advanced submarine ever. Instead, they looked at volcanoes, fought Giant enemy squid, and had one episode where they built a sub for a really important race. And they did whatever else the UEO (the UN with a military) wanted. But then the ship was blown up because some dude who wanted to give free power to the world didn't do his homework. However, Brody got the idea that people were willing to pay for a replacement sub, so he went off to start a telethon.
The second season was pretty much the same as the first, except for a new sub (which was pretty much the same as the old one), some new people (who were mostly annoying and useless), and the fact that almost every episode had the crew face something really retarded, like Neptune, and had them act like it was something normal. However, they did have episodes where they fought against other submarines, which were immensely popular because shit got blown up and there wasn't a lot of far out stuff (which wasn't the result of an acid trip unfortunately). Then the ship got taken to another planet by aliens for reasons that didn't make any sense even to the crew or the people filming this stuff. And the ship got sunk again, but no one got to see this episode of the show for a long time.
Major retarded villains of season 2:
- Neptune
- Giant worms that lived underground
- Giant enemy crab
- Giant prehistoric alligator (Barney in disguise)
- Killer plants (which might have been created by the Umbrella Corporation)
- Aliens (seriously-it made Brody quit)
- Giant future robots
- People who were weirdly colored
- Psychics
For season three, some sort of plot was barely created for the series, after seaQuest had been dumped in a cornfield in Iowa ten years after it disappeared. Apparently, Australia was taken over by lots of businesses and things with "Mac" in their names and became the Macronesian Alliance. Under the leadership of President Bourne (not Jason Bourne), the He-Man cosplayer military began taking over the Pacific Ocean, but Captain Oliver "Ironhide" Hudson used seaQuest (lifted by six helicopters-something everybody found strange) to stop Bourne and some other company from taking over the world. After saving some place, the ship went around meddling with Bourne's plans and blowing up ray-like things with people in them. Then a new enemy was created, called the Cow-die or Chaodi but nobody cared, because the show got canceled since sports were far more important. Then the sports were replaced by reality TV, which was total crap.
The Seamen[edit]
Because of the show's documentary nature, people left or got killed. As of Season 3, the crew consisted of:
Fresh Seamen[edit]
Kaptain Oliver "Ironhide" Hudson, the stereotypical military man. Likes to blow shit up and is the only one who knows the ship's dolphin is a fish. He has an ex-wife who he left on the aisle twice before marrying and divorcing within an hour.
Is Micheal Ironside when undercover.
Kommander Jonathan Ford, the only black guy with an important job on the show. Also a ladies man, and pretty much the only sane, competent person aboard. However, he stopped caring about a lot of things in order to stay sane.
Is sometimes known as Don Frankli in chat rooms.
Lootenant Tim O'Neil, a clone of Daniel Jackson without the good looks. Usually falls for hot women who take advantage of him.
Is known to have stolen the identity of Ted Raimi.
Lieutenant Lenore Ellen "Lonnie" Henderson, the biggest tease on the planet. Known as "Henderslut" by fans of the show, and currently Ford's squeeze (until he can get someone better).
Is also known to use Kathy Evison to hide from lumberjacks.
Leftenant James Brody, the most likely guy to blow shit up before Hudson came aboard. Got killed trying to save Henderson, then came back from the dead before disappearing. He is not related to the Brody who was captain.
Is known as Edward Kerr during Spring Break.
Lieutenant J.J. Fredericks, Hudson's black ass kisser (among other things). Got killed off in the last episode of the series and replaced by an Asian chick. She had a chip in her head that allowed her to ignore being "rapped".
Goes by Elise Neal when clubbing.
Ensign Lucas Wolenczack, the fangirl bait. Basically a teen genius who got drafted into the military in season three, after two seasons of being the guy who made most of the older people look bad. His best friend is a dolphin, which makes him more pathetic.
Uses the alias Jonathan Brandis when dealing with haxxors.
Seaman Anthony Piccolo, the only person with a Brooklyn accent on the ship. Has gills and dyslexia, making him barely useful.
Uses Michael DeLuise to avoid taxes.
Dagwood, the Ancient janitor with a skin problem. He acts like a retard to avoid work.
Is known to use Peter DeLuise when publishing research papers.
'Darwin, the dolphin. Talks with a really annoying voice.
Aka Flipper and voiced by Megatron.
Spoiled Seamen[edit]
Kaptain Nathan Hale Bridger, aka Brody from Jaws. In an attempt to evade the IRS (who thought he had lots of money from being famous), he and his wife ran away to a tropical island. Then she caught deathitis, forcing him to become friends with a fish named Darwin. He became captain of seaQuest and quit after seaQuest returned from it's abduction by retarded aliens to find his zombie son.
Uses Roy Scheider's Social Security Number.
Doktor Kristin Westphalen, a British MILF that Bridger had the hots for. After the first sub sank, she (unfortunately) decided to stay in L.A., leaving room for a much more annoying person to take over.
Is Stephanie Beacham when she feels like it.
Doktah Wendy Smith, a psychic doctor who often stated the obvious. Liked to wear miniskirts on seaQuest despite (or because) of the fact that guys could catch a glimpse of her panties when climbing stairs. Apparently died before seaQuest returned to Earth or suffered a total existence failure, much to the fans' delight.
Is Rosalind Allen in a past life.
Lieutenant Benjamin Krieg, the "supply and morale" officer. He basically had connections to get stuff no one else had (like beef-which was banned by hippies who ran the world) and tried various "get rich quick" schemes that never worked. Strangely, after disappearing before season two, he showed up in season three in an episode that was mostly about him.
Uses John D'Aquino to buy stuff on the black market.
Leftenant Kommander Katherine Hitchcock, the hot chief engineer that Lucas and Ford had the hots for. After the ship got blown up at the end of the first season, she went on to command a "sausage with a prop on it." It doesn't take a lot to imagine how the inspections went.
Is Stacy Haiduk at totally random moments.
Chief Manilow Crocker, crusty old sea dog. Does something related to security (actually no one knows what the hell his job is). He became a rent-a-cop after the end of season one.
Is Royce D. Applegate on his GED.
The Ships[edit]
Despite the fact that the show was supposed to be about people living on a submarine, people liked watching submarines more than looking at people, so CGI effects of varying quality were created to satisfy the need.
seaQuest DSV[edit]
Basically, the show was named after it because of how awesome it is. It's big enough to have saunas, a movie theater, and an army of darkness. However, it has nukes and little subs in it, which are often mistaken for stuff. Also, there can only be one seaQuest at a time, because the UEO doesn't have enough money to make a new one and/or doesn't have the patents to build it (thanks Microsoft!).
Stinger[edit]
The coolest sub on the show, basically because it looks sexy. You could pick up chicks in it, provided they're at the beach. Unless the girl doesn't like fish... or you're a douchebag.
Everything Else[edit]
All the other ships fell into one (or more) of four categories:
- Ugly
- Old
- Stupidly designed
- One-off that was supposed to be used in one episode only.
Due to budget problems, footage would sometimes be reused in multiple episodes. Fans spotted this easily, especially the really fake looking shots. In fact, due to the power of stock footage, Macronesia got a UEO sub for free (hoping that people couldn't remember an episode over a decade old didn't work-the show was constantly being rerun). The wage slaves working on the show didn't care, due to the fact they were zombies possessed by the ghost of Flipper, and were too busy working (reusing stock footage and occasionally making new stuff).