Roma!

The crumbly stadium, known as the Olympic Stadium after a failed attempt by hippies to move the games from Beijing

Roma! (formerly AS Roma) is an Italian Football team and Constitutional monarchy, population about fifty. The present King/captain is Francesco VI of Totti.

Roman Empire, Julius Caesar and Gladiators are just some of the bullshit teachers tell you about Ancient Romans. But they got the start right. In 100BC two brothers, Romulus and Remus Totti wanted a monarchial sports team, but Remus wanted AS Rema Golf team. Romulus won which is good because it formed Roma! and because Golf is shit. Despite having the 400,000 seater Coliseum, Roma! got crowds of about 7. This is because the AS stood for Absolutely Shit and who wants to see an absolutely shit team? They aren't that bad either. Oh, yeah, Manchester United get good crowds but thats because England gets a lot of Japanese tourists. Nothing happened until 2003, when the new King Francesco VI of Totti turned the name to Roma! and the exclamation mark made them seem exciting and interesting.

Nicknames

Roma! have many nicknames given to them. These include Roobarb and Custard because of their bizarre kit, and Dirty Hooligans due to their fans. Another nickname because of their badge is Wolfuckers. Due to being a one man team, Totti FC is another decent jab.

Kit and Badge

Dude that is sick!

Dye for the kits

Roma!'s famous badge shows two babies BJ-ing a wolf. This is a common practice in the city of Rome, and this has caused local wolves to run away. Originally the kit was quarters of pink, burberry, fluorescent yellow and broew. This changed when the box of shirts went to the sweet factory instead, and ended up covered in rhubarb and custard sweet mix. This was, to be said, a welcome change.

The King

The king was born without an arsehole, and finds it hard to poop

"Your majesty, this is a cruel, unusual and humiliating punishment"

Francesco VI of Totti is King and Captain of Roma, ascending in 2003, after the republic with Fabio Capello in charge failed. He is the only world class player the team has ever had and not even he can name the rest of the team. His Majesty is a talented Shakespearean actor, and sometimes gets his jobs mixed up. He falls to the floor as soon as slide tackles are made, and during a performance of Hamlet, headed the ball out of Hamlet's hand because he had Yorick's skull "in only one hand". Totti's other hobbies include making pizza, sniffing glue and rapping. His Majesty has no bum hole and that has led to problems with him having to suck his thumb to avert death through constipation. Francesco is a strict king with absolute control. When Vincenzo Montella missed an open goal v Livorno, Totti sent him on loan to Fulham. Very cruel indeed.

And The Rest...

• Miralem 'Twinkle Toes' Pjanić: Plays for a country you've never heard of, dribbles the ball to places you didn't think were possible too. Tries to hide his babyface with a beard and hilariously fails.

• Daniele De Rossi: Savage midfielder who killed an American player at the World Cup. That's actually a quite good thing to do.

• Leandro Castan: No information available. But hey, those guys Marquinhos and Mehdi Benatia were pretty fucking good, right?

• Morgan De Sanctis: Basically Dennis Quaid in The Rookie: a washed up former sports player who suddenly can actually play the sport again. INCREDIBLE, HUH?

• Maicon Douglas Sisenando: Brazilian dude who has apparently won some shit in the past. Steals balls better than an psychopathic anesthesiologist.

• Mattia Destro: Typical Italian striker. Multiple-time corner flag rapist. Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife when he scores (and he scores a lot), because he will try to grind on them.

• Ashley Cole: British leftback who doesn't understand how pictures work. Even when he's not playing. Looks a bit of a Noob walking down the street. Dumped a really hot wife.

• Seydou Keita: Many still think he plays for Barcelona. Has fizzled away from the rest of the world for at least a couple of years.

• Federico Balzaretti: The only corpse who plays for a professional sports team. Wears glasses to look nerdy.

• Francesco Totti: The Almighty King of The Roma Empire. According to legend, he made Julius Caesar look like a pussy and a disgrace to Rome and killed him with a penalty to the face. Captain, king, dictator and sex symbol.

• Kevin Strootman: The newest washing machine model from Philips. His jaw line causes Orgasms whenever viewed, and has made Louis van Gaal cream his pants on a daily basis for the past 2000 years.

• Alessio Romagnoli and Tin Jedvagina: Every team needs young boys, huh? Apparently they have loads of potential, but no one knows what they're like as players though.

• Salih Uçan: That means "70s Porn Star" in Turkish, because Walter Sabatini used a Hot Tub Time Machine to steal him from the 70s so that he could play for Roma!.

• Gervinho: Usain Bolt's half-Predator brother who is actually faster than the speed of light (slightly slower than the Road Runner, however). He was fired from Arsenal for not being French.

• Tonny Sanabria: He's a Tonna fun. One of Walter Sabatini's lovechilds with Lionel Messi and Pelé. Only 18 years old, so don't give him any booze.

• Rodrigo Taddei: He plays for Brazil/Italy/Brazil/actually Mongolia/no probably Malawi/definitely Italy/I thought Brazil. His ghost haunts Roma to this very day.

• Marco Borriello: Director of the FBI (Female Body Inspectors). Has had sex with every woman in Italy. He's mainly still on the team for the annual nude calendar.

• Adem Ljajic: Nutella addict who once was beat up by Delio "I'm a Pussy" Rossi. Inventor of the Sexy Serbian Shuffle.