Religious Right

“This one time, at Bible camp, I stuck my pee-pee in a hymnal.”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Religious Right

The Religious Right is a broad term used to describe a group of people in the United States committed to proving that the world is flat. Really flat.

For this reason, most of the Religious Right lives in places like Kansas. Needless to say, if you spent your entire life in Kansas, the notion of a round world would not only be disturbing, but a rather cruel and dumb and really, really obvious joke made up by gay people to mock you for glimmering yellow card that will allow you into the Kingdom of God.

Origins of the Religious Right

While they would bitch and squeal if you told it to their faces, the Religious Right is pretty clearly descended from a combination of the Mormons, the remnants of the Wellsville experiment conducted by Walter Kellog, and one of the less Satanic branches of the Freemasons.

After Brigham Young had taken the Mormons west to Utah, many of his followers were upset.

Particularly upset among them was Barney Frank, the most pious Mormon to have ever lived. Upon arriving at the Great Salt Lake, Frank was noted to exclaim, "You gotta be kidding! Who the fuck decided THIS was a good idea?! Oh yeah, that guy who found BYU."

Barney Frank also knew that one day, BYU would play in the Mountain West conference, or Big Sky, or the Big 12. Whatever the case, it would really make for some shitty Saturdays.

Frank took all 16 of his man-brides bak east to Michigan, a place slightly more consistent with the flat earth policies of most modern Christian churches.

It was there that Barney Frank met Walter Kellogg. Initially, Frank was trying to induce Kellogg into helping him with a Ponzi scheme.

Eventually, Kellogg convinced Frank to join the Freemasons.

Frank, after years of listening to the Freemasons, decided it was his destiny to dominante the world. He contrived a plan to do so. That plan would become the core of the Religious Right.

The Plan

The Plan was simple. It could not fail.

In short: you took the dumbest, most obviously wrongheaded ideas and rammed them all together into a hodgepodge of stupidity so thick that it would take a knife just to see through it.

This meant espousing some really dumb shit so you could take money from the dumbest members of society. So, Frank decided that the Religious Right would support a flat earth theory, oppose gay marriage, support the dumbest and cruelest war mongers they could find, waste money by handing it to really rich guys with no discernible means of financial support, pick on braindead people and not let them become properly dead, be ignorant toward black people even though most of them are Christian, and probably support a few other ideas, like talking donkeys and giants and the idea that Eli Manning will be better quarterback than his brother.

Implementing the Plan

Barney Frank tired of the Religious Right before his plan could come to fruition. Once Frank realized that he couldn't be gay AND a member of the Religious Right, he quipped, "Fuck that."

The Plan sat in a cellar in Taylor, MI for forty years until it was discovered by Prescott Bush during one of the last legal Indian hunting trips during the summer of 1942.

Bush immediately recognized what a great plan it was. He started building churches in places that probably would have been better off with factories or convenience stores or even Walmart. Pretty much anything would have been more useful than the Religious Right. He offered Jesus instead of food, and the people just loved him for it.

Over the next sixty years, the Plan would remain in the hands of the Bush crime family.

Ascent of the Religious Right

Being a bunch of sneaky bastards, the Bushes added their own nifty touches to the Plan.

First, they added Intelligent Design, a theory that states that only an intelligent being would have put eight nipples on a male cat, because nly smart people find shit like that funny in the first place.

Then they decided to convince everyone that the Apocalypse was happening now by paying some camel jockeys to fly planes into buildings. This took several tries, since most of the camel jockeys tried to befriend and mate the airplanes.

The Religious Right also spends lots of money on the Arab-Israeli Conflict, with the hope that if we set a BIG, BIG, GINORMOUS fire in the Middle East that God will be so impressed he'll come down and make some smores with us using our totally new, straight from DARPA mountain pie iron.

The Religious Right also puts tons of money into making radio broadcasts that old people listen to. This is actually considered by many to be one of their more humanitarian acts, as it does distract those old people from listening to Paul Harvey, who is currently considered a war criminal for his actions at Dachau during the Second World War.

The Bush Presidency and the Fall of the Religious Right

It goes without too much discussion that God did see the BIG ASS FIRE the Relgiious Right started in the Middle East.

In order to punish the Religious Right, God flooded New Orleans in 2005, forcing many of the flat earth believers to have to put up with actual Negroes in their midst. Now that the Religious Right is ass-deep in African-Americans they should get the idea that God thinks they're assholes.

However, one has to wonder what exactly it is that God has against black folks that compels him to make them put up with fucking Jesus zombies.

Oh, well. Just one more reason it sucks to be black in America, huh?

Notable members of the Religious Right

• Sting
• Brigham Young
• The Beatles
• Gandhi
• George W. Bush
• Barney Frank
• Ronald McDonald
• Lance Armstrong