REO Speedwagon
| REO Speedwagon | |
|---|---|
 REO Speedwagon, minutes after digging into a short stack.
| |
| Background information | |
| Genre(s) | Sedimentary Rock |
| Years active | 1967—eternity |
| Associated acts | Chicago, Foreigner, Styx |
“We izz of da hizzle, yo!”
REO Speedwagon is the worst band ever in modern music history, even when compared to The Eagles and American Idol. They have performed incredibly horrendous live concerts and at dances of all genres from ballroom to breakdance competitions. Never before has a band been this mediocre — from amazingly mediocre to just unremarkably mediocre — yet had such an effect on Old Folks' Polka Night in St. Clairsville, Ohio. On the other hand, some argue that REO are one of the great bands, and that every music critic and millions of people across the United States simply got it wrong.
Founding[edit]
REO Speedwagon, commonly written "REO Peedwagon" or "REO Speedaddict", was founded in 1967 at an IHOP when Need Dough approached Gary Wristwatch for a loan. Wistwratch blasted Dough's eardrums with "GET A JOB", and the ensuing conflict caused Alan to Grate his teeth and key Need Dough's hatchback, leading to such dissonance that they realized they could probably make a fortune in American pop music. Denny Hutch added maraca and Gregg filled in on seabass.
"Kevin"[edit]
Denny Hutch, oblivious to the fact he was a Singer sewing machine, increasingly wanted to leave the band in order to fulfill his lifelong dream of being a Denny's Manager. After walking out of the studio never to be heard from again, he was replaced with "Kevin" in 1972. Kevin - whose hobbies included kitten huffing, basking in his own greatness, giving long monologues at concerts between songs about the merits of aerosol cheese, incessantly hitting on women and flipping out, Jerry Springer Show-style when they rebuffed him - was the perfect front-man for REO.
Each band member was given $1000 dollars to spend however they wanted: Need Dough bought a new box to live in, Gary bought an entire series of "For Dummies" books, and Kevin used his share to buy beer. Before long, the money was spent.
The Feud and subsequent fall into penury[edit]
Somewhere around 1989, Gary Wasterich got into an argument with "Kevin" over whose last bottle of beer it was. The argument ended with Wiskretch saying "I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say prophylactics me and impregnates you!" Kevin immediately fired Ratwasp from the band and filed a paternity suit. He was replaced by a homeless man named Dave Clamato. Three-quarters of REO's fans either died of encephalitis or grew up and so RE0 spent the next dozen years playing pinochle.
Comeback[edit]
The band slowly re-gained commercial success as the band and their old fans grew senile. Their new sound, which combined the self-pity of emo with the allure of chest hair, was a surprising hit with both the elderly and female soldiers stationed overseas. Today, REO tours extensively their native-land (casinos on reserves), make appearances on soft-rock radio stations, and scare small children. Several former members can be seen greeting customers at Walmart.
Where are they now?[edit]
Among the original members, a bit of "Kevin" was found in a dumpster behind Cedars-Sinai. Denny became a Denny's manager, Alan Grate got food poisoning, and Dave Clamato is serving time for insurance fraud. Bruce Hall entered the Witness Protection Program and currently resides at 1567 Ashdowne Way, Boulder, Colorado. Gary Rotwitch blew all of his royalty money on beer and lives in his Honda Civic just outside Bryan Drinkwater. Greg Fillin currently operates a day-care center in Rhode Island. Mike Liebowitz became North Carolina's first Dial-a-Rabbi.