Oxymoron
“Oxymoron? I think Billy Mays washes clothes with that.”
Chemical Formula: O3H42Moron
Oxymoron is a compound produced as a by-product when a moron is oxidized. When inhaled in large quantities, oxymoron causes idiocy in a large group of people, which spreads quickly. This tends to happen during elections, scientific conventions, sporting events, or on nightclub dance floors.
Oxymoron is a covalent molecule. It has strong intramolecular forces by which the affected moron resists change. In contrast, "The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."
Oxymorons come in various strengths. Oxy-5 and Oxy-10 are the best for persistent skin problems. Industrial-strength oxymorons exist in abundance.
Industrial uses[edit]
Corporations arrange morons in large farms named offices. A large ventilation system provides an abundance of oxygen and induces the production of oxymorons. The resulting oxymorons can be made into software, marketing, political propaganda, and other bullshit.
The quality of oxymoron is directly proportional to the quantity of morons processed. This is especially true during meetings and brainstorms. By-products of these reactions are buzzwords and slogans.
Homemade oxymoron[edit]
Although not as potent as oxymorons obtained through industrial refinement, one can create the compound with amateur equipment such as pornography, religion, and World of Warcraft.
Simply place your person of lower than average intelligence (pictured) in a well-ventilated room with a toilet, food and one or more of the above ingredients. Lock the door to prevent any contaminants such as culture or opinions. Leave for a week. Be careful when handling your freshly baked oxymoron and enjoy.
History[edit]
Billy Mays invented the oxymoron. Determined to get everyone to use OxiClean, Mays used his utter genius to make the new product famous overnight. Now everyone uses it, without even knowing it. Admiring the product's similarity to cocaine, Billy overdosed on it during his commercials and was mourned nationally by a presidential order that all coin-operated laundries fly their flags at half staff. Billy is known as the first true oxymoron. His grave site, a giant washboard, attracts thousands of rabid housewives each year.
There have been many heroic efforts by individuals and groups to clean up the many spills of oxymorons, but these have been largely unsuccessful and led indirectly to the Darwin Awards.
Scientologists make use of the substance to attract converts (and, in some cases, convicts).
Other oxymorons[edit]
The following are examples of well-known oxymorons:
- The town of Freedom, Maine
- Great Britain, where one can get a Full English breakfast
- Microsoft Works
- Military Intelligence
- Vacation Bible school
There is also the annoying practice of American insurance companies of referring to the man who sold you your policy as the "producer".
They say that Federal Screw Works is an oxymoron and a redundancy at the same time.
"Oxymoron" also refers to a scrapyard worker who has enough intelligence to light an oxyacetylene torch and to cut up metal objects with it, and no more.