Office etiquette

Office Etiquette is a general term for the written and unwritten rules that make an office run smoothly. The following general guidelines were published in the 2014 guide to official office management compiled by the Lichtenstein league of happy office workers and are generally considered the definitive documentation of office etiquette.

General etiquette

The league of happy office workers lists the following as general rules to consider and adhere to when working in an office. Most items contained within were usually considered common knowledge until the Prestige publishing massacre of 1878 the aftermath of which resulted in the development and publication of these guidelines.

• Avoid profanity.
• Keep workspace tidy.
• Keep common areas clean.
• Keep deodorant to a minimum.
• Don't read boring printouts or faxes.
• Office temperature must be kept at exactly 22(c) except during regular office fires.
• Use cell phone only during important meetings and discussions.
• Be respectful of others' personal life choices unless they disagree with your own.
• Consistently check printer paper levels to assure they are always completely full to maximum capacity at any given moment.
• Remain focused and professional unless something really, really funny is going on.
• Remember to adhere to local customs and rules.
  • Example: Snapping at someone is rude in some parts of the US, whilst ripping someone's earlobe off and chewing it whilst removing your shirt is a term of endearment in Scotland.

Email use

Added to the guide in 2001 the following sections governs etiquette relating to emails and other digitally transmitted text.

• Forwards should only be sent to your employer, your mum and your therapist. Forwards to your cat are also permitted but generally frowned upon due to the related sexual connotations that entered mainstream office society after the great 1947 fondue fire.
• For clarity, avoid using a moderate religious signature. Instead opt for an extremist signature, such as 'Allah shall rain down a plague of staples upon ye!'
• Be aware that sarcasm and other humor cannot always be read in emails. These techniques are only to be used to make criticisms of fellow staff members that may later be detracted as "Only Kidding".
• Avoid 1337 language. Unless you're leet.

Social etiquette

How to treat and not treat co workers.

• Say hello or nod when passing coworkers in common areas, unless, of course, they are common.
• Hold doors. Perpetually.
• Only paid interns are acceptable substitutes for door stops.
• Don't bother to Attempt good relationships with your cube neighbors. Jim said they were a bunch of squares man.
• Do not feed the office-supply junkies, unless so asked to.
• Never split infinitives.

Break area

Rules for break and common staff areas.

• Make a new pot of coffee if you finish the last one. If you're feeling lazy, you can simply add black . This also minimises coffee-pot waste.
• Do not break the break room. The break room is for having breaks in, and not for breaking things in, breaking the room itself or breaking down in.
• The break room is the only place where breaking office etiquette is acceptable.
• Break dancing is never permitted in the break room.

Meetings

General things to consider about meetings.

• Do not attend meetings. You will help the company more by sleeping in your cubicle.
• If you do happen upon a meeting, do a convincing impression of the fire alarm to free the trapped worker-bees inside. You may add to this effect by dousing your agenda in petrol and exposing to a naked flame.

Hygiene etiquette

Hygiene and cleanliness standards for the office.

• Continuously groom, this includes grooming others.
• If you must engage in kitten huffing, do so only with sterilised kittens.
• If you're ill, it's good manners to infect as many colleagues as possible to allow them the same sick-day privileges as you.
• Do not leave items to rot in the fridge. Only in the pantry.
• Do not leave items in the sink, this includes fart bags.

Office language

A selection of particularly formal office language reserved for high level functions.

OLD PHRASE	NEW PHRASE
No fucking way	I’m fairly sure that's not feasible
You're fucking joking mate	Really!?
Tell someone who gives a shit	That’s not my department!
No body fucking told me about it	I wasn't involved in that project
I haven't the fucking time	Perhaps I can work late
Who fucking cares	Are you sure that's a problem?
Eat shit and die	You don't say
Eat shit and die, arsehole	You don't say, Sir
Kiss my arse	So, you’d like me to help you?
He’s a fucking wanker	He’s somewhat insensitive
She’s a ball-busting bitch	She’s an aggressive go-getter
You haven’t got a fucking clue	You could use more training
This place is all fucked up	We’re a little disorganized today
What sort of wanker are you?	You're new here, aren't you?
Piss off shithead	Well, there you go
You're a wanker	You're my supervisor, and I respect you
Ha, suck eggs shit face!	I wasn't there that day
Fuck off! I’m busy	I’ll look into it and get back to you
How did you get this piece of shit to work?	Well done!