Pants Vaporizer

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A rare full-colour blueprint of the original Pants Vaporizer. Note the vintage Converse kicks.

The Pants Vaporizer was invented as a practical joke by Ed K. Quickswallow, a philosophy major at San Diego Community College. He used it to vaporize the pants of many politicians and pop culture icons beginning in the 1970's. The vaporizer became very popular and the patent was sold to Sony, which began to mass produce them. Despite rave reviews from drunken perverts and pi naysayers, the vaporizer was taken off the shelves due to the Prevention of Arbitrary Pants Vaporisation Act of 1999, even though Jesus wore a robe or something. Some renegades still vaporize pants, most recently those of Corey Feldman and the more successful Pants MacKenzie.


Quickswallow invented the Pants Vaporizer using three paper clips and a shoe and an old APS test. Using his extensive knowledge of quantum mechanics (achieved through reading So You'd Like To Have An Extensive Knowledge of Quantum Mechanics), he merely negataized the plasma flow of the shoe in order to reverse the energy of the pants molecules. By decreasing pressure on the pants molecules with a plasma ray, Quickswallow was able to effectively send the pants through a phase change, known as sublimation. This is easily explained with the following formula:


Quickswallow's first victim was Gerald Ford, for no particular reason. It is important to note that Ford wears polka-dot boxers, which may have influenced his foreign policy. The incident made the "Human Interest" section of the Davenport Daily Times in Iowa. The massive circulation of this paper led to a worldwide phenomenon. Everybody wanted to know where to get a Pants Vaporizer. Gerald Ford had no comment.

Mass production[edit]

Quickswallow sold the product to Sony in 1985, finally putting his Philosophy major to use. Or at least, didn't have to. Now a millionaire, Quickswallow left his restrainingly comfortable lifestyle in order to pursue crack addiction. The Pants Vaporizer sold over 1 million units in only a few months after its release, making it the best-selling plasma de-pantsing laser of all time.


Pants Vaporizers were banned in 1999, but you can still get them on the black market. Talk to Carlos, the guy behind the 7-Eleven. I didn't tell you that, okay?

Materials it can be used on[edit]

The following materials can be vaporized:

  • Denim
  • Khaki
  • Latex
  • Gortex
  • Texmex
  • Nylon
  • Wool
  • Satin
  • Satan
  • Tofu
  • Velvet

The fact that the Vaporizer does not work on felt led to an unusual amount of famous people wearing felt pants. This led to the creation of the pickup line, "Are your pants felt? Yes? Well then you must be famous!"

Famous Victims[edit]

In chronological order:

Ford stares down the barrel of the terrible Pants Vaporizer.
An unfortunate victim of the Pants Vaporizer

See Also[edit]