Mime Wars
“*glass box*”
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“I covered this war.”
The Mime Wars were a series of battles that ravaged on from 1991 to 2000. The main cause of the war was a dispute over how much a mime should be paid, not to mention the fact that the mimes reportedly "had it with these muthafuckin' snakes in this muthafuckin' glass box". It was an extremely bloody war, with over 700,000 mimes killed in battle (114% of the world's mime population at the time).
1991: Tensions rise[edit]
In late 1990, a secret agent known only as "Grandma" got run over by a reindeer, walking home from prison on Christmas Eve. You may say there's no such thing as conspiracy, but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Grandma's funeral was held in the Town Square of Moscow on New Years' Day 1991. Pieces of the Berlin Wall mysteriously disappeared into Grandma's anal cavity, and were never seen or heard from again.
Suddenly, Super Action Mime burst onto the scene. He took an AK-47 out from his anal shat, and blew Grandma away with a rat-a-tat-tat. Then he ran out of bullets and he ran away, because Optimus Prime came to save the day. Two were killed and four were critically injured (also known as being Christopher Reeve'd). This caused anti-Mimism in Russia, eventually spreading to Kazakhstan.
In June 1991, three mimes committed a ghastly suicide bombing in Kazakhstan. They strapped cherry licorice-flavored dynamite to themselves and set the U.S. embassy on fire, effectively burnin' down the house. The three mimes, known only as Pixplz, Roflcopter, and Lollerskates, soon entered Mime Heaven, chanting "Allah ackbar!" and performing glass box mime tricks for eternity.
A state of emergency was declared, and President Garfield ordered U.S. troops into Kazakhstan. Soon, Kazakhstan was littered with dead mimes, combat boots, and special Armed Forces-ordered copies of Girls Gone Wild: Ultimate Rush.
1992: Nirvana takes control[edit]
President Garfield was assassinated in early 1992, after being distracted with a plate of lasagna and being harpooned while he ate it. Vice President Kurt Cobain then became president, and began working on his strategy for the war in Kazakhstan. General of the Army Dave Grohl took control of the Armed Forces, with his 101st Foo Fighter Division killing mimes... with the power of ROCK!!!
Yeah, you heard me right.
The power... of RAWK!!!
In the meantime, Colonel Krist Novoselic, who did not exist because of non-existent injuries he received in the Vietnam War (which never happened, by the way), was summoned after a 14-year-old kid named Raymond Clitoris after he stuck a candy cane in his nose and yelled "Krist Novoselic" three times while looking into a mirror, as per the urban legend. Clitoris was lectured to death, but his efforts were not in vain, as Novoselic was free to nuke Kazakhstan, which he did. After all the excess plutonium was removed, the country was taken over by script kiddies and is now called Kthxstan.
1993: The rise and fall of the Mime Resistance Movement[edit]
In March 1993, Secretary of Defense Thom Yorke, successfully killed half a million mimes through the Hungercaust, which involved starving mimes to death, and repeatedly playing the song "Creep" over the loudspeakers. Since they wanted to have a perfect body, and have a perfect soul, they all became anorexic and died.
In the meantime, General Grohl took the liberty of impregnating every single 13-year-old girl in Eastern Europe. If his calculations were correct, one million children fathered by him would be born by February 1994.
In July 1993, the Mime Resistance Movement was founded by Oscar Wilde and a flamingly homosexual Indian chief named Running Tap Water. Their first act was to put on white hoods and kill all da black folk. So they did. They committed what is known today as the Rwandan Genocide. However, they prefer to call it the Racial Holy War With Cute Turtles And The Anal Shawshank Redemption, Covered In Awesome Sauce And Served On A Silver Platter By A Bipedal Rabbit Named Joe, Dressed In A Denim Jacket With Buttons Made Of Thallium And Astatine.
However, the Mime Resistance Movement soon committed mass suicide on the set of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm in October 1993. Neither Larry David nor Trashcat were amused.
1994: The African campaign and the Starbucks incident[edit]
Rwanda, still pissed about how the Mime Resistance Movement gave them metaphorical AIDS, decided to run home and cry to its mommy, also known as the United Nations. The United Nations sent out one million troops to Kazakhstan and gave Rwanda a Band-Aid and kissed its boo-boo to make it better.
As Grohl anticipated, all the 13-year-olds that he knocked up gave birth. He now had one million babies at his disposal, but he didn't know what to do with them. So he put them all into a big pile and left them there. Somehow, they miraculously survived for six months without any food or water. Well, except for the weird baby. He was a black baby who was fifty-three pounds at birth and had Asperger's syndrome and his name was Macaca. Maybe the pile of babies ate his corpse, maybe that's how they stayed alive?
General Grohl and Colonel Novoselic met at a Starbucks and both ordered a Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice. However, in the excitement of the moment, Novoselic accidentally knocked over a candle which set the Starbucks ablaze. Grohl managed to put out the fire after hitting everything with the pile of babies.
Civil war began in Africa, and Novoselic and Grohl directed their attention to the fighting there. By late 1994, they had invaded all of Africa. They spent the rest of the year sexually experimenting with each other in a hut in the Congo, fondling each other naughtily with spoons and Italian dressing. When they got bored, they made Microsoft Sam say "soif" repeatedly. And they laughed like retards, every single time. Fuck.