Megalon
“Shame I had to kill him. He was a great guy, ya' know? Played a -(sniff) - played a mean game of Stomp Tokyo Flat.”
“I will cut your throat!”
“For a giant cockroach, he had style. Goofy-looking, though.”
Meglon Artemis Schnaufferwin was a popular giant cockroach, nerd rapper, movie star and all-round schmuck. Although he had a career that Paul McCartney would have killed to achieve, it was sadly cut short when an envious Godzilla murdered him. By that time, however, nobody cared.
Birth and Childhood[edit]
Megalon was born in 1973 to an underwater species of human-like people called Seatopians. His mother died at birth, due to the fact she had just given birth to something weighing about a ton. His father immediately disowned him, used several hundred boxes of tissues during the funeral, booked himself into a mental hospital, and committed suicide by strangling himself with his own straight-jacket in a feat that would impress Houdini and orange juice.
Somehow, Megalon, in an incredible display of sheer stupidity and fortitude, shrugged off these concerns and got himself adopted by the King of Seatopia, under the alias of Count Drillands Jr.. He quickly settled in and made a few friends, including Godzilla and Jet Jaguar, who hung around with him round the back of the bike sheds smoking and discussing which girls they'd like to snog/go out with/shag (delete as appropriate - they all went to the same schools). Megalon was teased due to a deformity in his hands, but surgery replaced them with drills, and after some gory incidents and expulsions, no-one dared make fun of him again.
Whilst he was in hospital after the surgery, Megalon noticed a fellow patient, a green and gold chicken-like thing, attempting to cause GBH on one of the nurses with his claws - he had undergone the same treatment. Megalon promptly stopped the whole affair by simply standing in the nurse's way and sticking his arms out in front of him. After hiding the body, the fellow patient revealed himself to be Gigan, and offered the hand (metaphorically) of friendship. The two left the hospital together, and went their separate ways, promising to keep in touch.
Early Career and Crime life[edit]
After leaving school (sadly, Godzilla and Jaguar went on to college) Megalon got himself a job as a miner. Although his work was appreciated, Megalon though he could achieve something better. Then, one day, whilst playing video games in the break room, Megalon found himself unconsciously rapping out his situations as he played. Inspired, he made several songs on video games, addiction to said games and violence, and made an album, entitling it "Bullet through The Head of a Zombie."
It was a raging success amongst the miners, and Megalon was soon approached by a record company, wanting him to be paid millions to turn out trash he didn't write. Megalon refused, and killed the man who approached him. He was fired. D'oh.
Undeterred, Megalon struck out on his own, and made several more albums, including the famous "Mash Dem Buttonz", by breaking into record studios, recording his songs, then running like hell when the cops showed up. He managed to contact Gigan again (who was now working in a bank someplace), and struck up a deal to become partners. Whether they were partners in crime, or cowboys, I have no idea. However, Gigan always managed to redirect the profits to Megalon's bank account.
Eventually, however, Megalon felt guilty, and turned himself in. After a loooooooooooooong time in prison, he re-emerged, deciding to be an actor instead.
Acting career[edit]
Megalon was approached by those guys that make monster movies, asking him to appear alongside Godzilla and Jet Jaguar in a new movie. Megalon jumped at the chance, and after coming back down, soon found himself back with his pals, including Gigan, who had been offered a job as well, filming what was to be the most kickass, mind-blowing, unbelievable movie of the decade. Godzilla vs. Megalon. How happy was he, to get the main villain's role. He was with his friends again. Or so he thought.
There were tensions, of course. Godzilla, envious of Megalon's popularity and upset he had to play the goofy hero again, tried to outperform his friend-turned-rival at any chance he got, even fighting to carry the bloody drinks around. Jet Jaguar kept flirting with one of the (admittedly hot) camera-women, but thankfully managed to keep his desires under control until after the filming was done, when he disappeared into his caravan and was not seen (but definitely heard) for about an hour. Megalon and Gigan's ego inflated so much it could carry them away, and sometimes their fighting scenes went from acting to real brawls. The director was too stupid to notice any of this. Good times. *sniff* Good times.
Failure and Death[edit]
Sadly, the movie was not a box office hit. It sucked. Badly. Although Godzilla shrugged it off, and Gigan was by now too insane to notice, Megalon went into a state of depression. He started drinking. HARD. He experimented with drugs. He married Uwe Boll. He found himself on the street next to a dead hooker. Then, one night, Godzilla arrived at his house. After a talk about Megalon's behavior, a fight ensued. Godzilla won, and killed Megalon with a bullet to the brain. Megalon's last words were reported to be, "Tell Gigan she's a backstabbing little bi-*bang*"
Megalon was buried in near the Grand Canyon. Every miner and Seatopian came to pay respects. They tried to build a statue, but it was destroyed when Megatron arrived on Earth.
Legacy[edit]
Megalon had no legacy. GINO has been rumoured be his child, but we don't know. Megalon was a member of Cobra, and after his death, Cobra Commander held a memorial to him. "He wasss quite a niccccee bug. I will misssss him deeply...", he said.