John Mahama
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John Dramani Mahama (/məˈhɑːmə/; born 29 November 1958) is the 12th and 14th President of Ghana, his current term having begun on 7 January 2025. Ghanaian voters were inspired by Donald Trump being both the 45th and 47th U.S. President[1] and anxious to prove that Ghana could do it too.[2] They were also ready for another go, having had four years to recover from Mahama's first Presidency (/ˈhɑːmənə-ˈhɑːmənə-ˈhɑːmənə/).
Mahama was the candidate of the National Democratic Congress (NDC). His rise to office sets a variety of records: First President to be younger than the nation, first to be President in non-consecutive terms, and first to excel in hitting empty beer cans with stones from twenty paces (7 m). He has been an MP, pan-African MP, Deputy Minister, Minister, Vice President, and President, a feat known in Ghanaian political circles as "Bingo!"
Mahama started his first term upon the death of his predecessor, John Atta Mills, on 24 July 2012. The so-called "Atta-boy" gave a stirring speech to accept his new responsibilities. He stated, "This is the saddest day in our nation's history. Tears have engulfed our nation. But enough of that — Where is the royal scepter???"
Cabinet[edit]
- Mahama's Vice President for his second term is Jane Naana Opoku-Agyemang FGA.[3] Another record! for she is the nation's first female Vice President. Before that, she was setting smaller records as the first female Vice Chancellor of a Ghanaian state university, the one in her native Cape Coast, though she left for Zimbabwe's Women's University where, in 2024, the institution began granting Master's Degrees in Hyperinflation. Wikipedia tells us that her birth surname was Sam. She claims that, like Johnny Cash's chart-topping "A Boy Named Sue", her gender-queer surname toughened her up to face political adversaries — until an ethnic hyphenated surname started working even better.
- Mahama Ayariga, MP from Bawku, became Minister of Information in President Mahama's first term. He is reportedly open to a portfolio in the second term. This Mahama (/məˈhɑːmə/) is not a relative of the Big Mahama. However, can you really take that chance?
- Karen Bass is not a member of Mahama's cabinet. She is the Mayor of Los Angeles in the U.S.A. However, she was in Ghana for Mahama's inauguration, and may have exchanged tips with "Sam" about campaigning based on womanhood. While she was in Accra, her underfunded Fire Department was draining and repainting reservoirs during the dry season, and her home city was burning to the ground. She is likely to return to Ghana to seek work.
Quotations[edit]
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“When you kill a goat and you frighten it with a knife, it doesn't fear the knife because it is dead already. I have dead goat syndrome.”
English majors call this an analogy. The only thing "Dead Goat Syndrome" could mean in Mahama's case is that he does not fear criticism because he realises that his chance to achieve great things has already expired.
“The only thing that I am jealous of is that my opponent has the opportunity to sleep in Accra and I have to sleep in Tamale.[4]”
In fact, another thing that Mahama was jealous of is the fact that, on foreign junkets, the president gets the top bunk.
“I am not a magician; I cannot make money grow on trees.”
However, Mahama's manifesto, which promised widespread prosperity, omitted the disclaimer that he is not a magician and could not make money grow on trees. For the 2025-29 Presidential term, requisitions have gone out for magic wands.
Personal life[edit]
Mahama was the son of a rich government minister, who rode in a limousine between boarding school in Accra and one of his many homes. He states, in his memoir, Coup d'État: A New Beginning, that a defining moment in his life was when Ghana's President-for-Life Kwame Nkrumah was shown the door in a military coupé. It was then that Mahama decided to dedicate himself to amassing political power. And doubling the palace guards.
Mahama's wife is Lordina Mahama (née Effah, 6 March 1963). John insists on the top bunk. They have five children: Farida, Jesse, Shafik, Shahid and Sharaf. Often the wrong one comes when you call them. Some are Christian and some are Muslim, so there is always an infidel at the dinner table. Mahama carves the meat himself.
Mahama has numerous interests outside government, notably waste caused throughout Africa by single-use containers (and possibly by having garbage collection managed by the mayor's slow nephew). He committed himself to addressing the problem during his time as vice president, and by all accounts, he did address it. Meanwhile: paper or plastic?
Other interests include innovations in farming, as he claims to be a farmer himself, a veritable sub-Saharan Jimmy Carter. He tours farms during his official visits and is often heard to say, "We could write an app for that!" He works to get youngsters to see farming as a viable business and not just something you do because you are starving.
In his spare time, Mahama writes for a variety of magazines and newspapers. He is a fixture at the Huffington Post and the New York Times, appearing in columns entitled "Letters to the Editor".
References[edit]
- ↑ Though some say this had been done before.
- ↑ Ghana actually bested the U.S. by thirteen days, due to Constitutional niceties — more, if you count the time difference.
- ↑ Surely an abbreviation for First Girl Assistant.
- ↑ Uncyclopedia Senior Editors have never slept in a tamale and do not fancy being swaddled in corn meal.
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