King Tiger Tank

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Tiger II preserved at Bovington Tank Museum

“I used to love driving these around cities and running people over with them!”

~ Oscar Wilde on GTA

“How the **** are we supposed to stop that thing?!”

~ GIs on King Tigers

“In Soviet Russia, Tank sabotages YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on King Tigers

“And I thought the Tiger was bad!”

~ Winston Churchill on King Tigers

“We could win this war in a few months with heavy tanks like that, but NO! WE have to use these crappy Shermans! ****ing bearucrats!”

~ General George S. Patton on King Tiger Tanks

“Hey, Patton, Look! The Tigers all broke down, again! Shermans don't do that!"”

~ American Tanker replying to above.

The King Tiger Tank was developed during World War 2 by Nazi-Germany as the racing version of the highly successful Tiger tank. The German name for the king tiger is " PantyKampf-Wagen" or "PanzerVolksWagen" (more on that ahead).


A Tiger II of the Schwere Heers Panzer Abteilung 503 in Normandy, 1944, demonstrating the early (so-called "Hovercraft") capability.

During it's development, the early models suffered various mechanical failures, such as over-eating. The Nazi's shook their heads at this, terminated the failed tank in the most brutal means possible, and went back to the Nazi leader to ask for more money. Eighty years had passed before they finally realized that tanks shouldn't have personalities anyway, but the new tank kept having mental break-downs every five minutes, and the armor was too weak to protect against spitballs. They designated this the Sherman IV, and sold it to the United States of America. In 1942, they developed the Tiger I, and the designers were immediately terminated to prevent further "heresies" against the Roman Catholic Church. To bad for the Germans, the designers were angry about their low pay, so they kept the engine that had been used in the Sherman IV. Adolph Hitler finally decided to use some actual scientists, instead of monkeys with hammers, and the result, the King Tiger, was an immediate success with the German tankers.

Little known fact that souls of tigers were put into the tanks. thus the hover motion performed at right.>>>

Germans saw a tiger (tiger is german for tiger) and said "We make that metal now!" and the tank was born.

Combat Record[edit]

Tiger II's of s.H.Pz.Abt. 503 in a battle scarred street in Buda's Castle district, October 1944

The King Tiger has the reputation for being the slowest, heaviest, and most difficult to damage-any-part-of-it-besides-the-paint tank in the history of warfare. It's weakness however was that it was addicted to cheese, and as the Russians had killed all the cows removed all potential fuel during their retreat, the tank turned on them. It is rumored that Berlin was taken by an army of deranged King Tigers, and not by the Reds as any reliable historian would claim. The King Tiger shot 88mm spitballs that plastered enemy troops to the ground, allowing it to run over them at leisure. It was also armed with a telegewehr, or the tele-rifle, which had its other other end placed in any convenient septic tank that happened to be in occupied territory. However, it was subject to frequent sabotage during the battle of France, so cases of American and British soldiers dying from puking their intestines out were pretty rare. The Russians were not so lucky. It's armor, unlike the Sherman IV's, WAS thick enough to repel spit balls (They used metal, not paper as they had in previous models). It was used in the following battles: The battle of Britain, The Normandy invasion, The battle of Stalingrad, the battle for the Atlantic, The battle for Potty Chairs, all of the Star Wars battles, the battle in 300, The battle for Mcdonalds, NHL, and the battles throughout Saving Private Ryan. Chuck Noris finaly met his match when he met one of these in a bar one saturday night.


Rare photo of a Tiger II knocked out through the frontal armor of the turret.

There are two weaknesses in the design of the King Tiger tank. First is its vulnerability to Russian soldiers. The tactic of picking up the tanks was widely used by the russians. The russians trained specialist Maximum strength soldiers to deploy into german tank depots, pick up a king tiger and run back to russia and place it in the kremlin for STALIN to see. Second was its addiction to cheese. As mentioned before, both Russian, and surprisingly enough, French partisans shot, strangled and mooned cows, bombed milk storages, and in short, drove the tanks insane with cheese withdrawal.


This tank was used by...

  • Germany: War of 1812, Peninsular war, Vietnam war, World Wars 1,2,3&5(the fourth was fought with sticks and stones according to the time traveling historian Albert Einstein), the Lunar Invasion of 2078
  • France: Peninsular war, Napoleonic wars, World war 2,The great surrender war
  • Spain: Peninsular war, Reconquistida war, Spanish civil war, Spanish Inquisition
  • England: American Revolution, Napoleonic wars,War of 1812, Empire-building conquest, World War 1,World War 2, Gulf Wars
  • Switzerland: (Never really got into any wars, except when Napolean invaded them(Wimps!))
  • Austria: Napoleonic Wars, Roman civil war, World War 1
  • The Netherlands: The Great Beer Riot
  • Iraq: Holy Wars, Crusades, Iran/Iraq War, Gulf Wars
  • The Roman Empire: Every SINGLE ONE of their wars
  • U.S.A.: French and Indian War, American Revolution, War of 1812, Texan War of Independance, Mexican/American War, American Civil War,Etc,Etc...
  • The Galactic Empire: Who CARES?!
  • Vietnam: Uhhhhhhhh...
  • Korea(north and south): World War 2, Korean War
  • Russia: Finnish War, Napoleonic Wars, Franco/Prussian War, World War 1, World War 2, Afgahn War
  • China: Keeping dissenters down and every ****ing war they've HAD!
  • The Rebel Alliance: What do YOU care?
  • The Old Republic: If your expecting answers, your ****ing retarded!
  • The Combiness: The Seven Hours War, The Human/Alien Uprising
  • Willy Wonka: The Oompa Loompa uprising of 2000
  • Chuck Noris: Every little thing he has EVER done.
  • Old Navy: Invasion Of Banana Republic
  • Da Fuhar: I don't care, so you can go to hell if you want info on this.

Recent Sightings?[edit]

Over time, there have been numerous reports of sightings of Bigfoot, The Yeti, The Loch Ness Monster, Godzilla, Elvis Presley, Adolph Hitler, and The King Tiger. None of these, however, have been confirmed (Except Hitler's!). The last reported sighting was of The King Tiger in 1994, kicking Chuck Noris's a** around a bar, by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris was later found with strange charges on his credit card, a lampshade on his head, and a MAJOR hangover. However, the culprit may have just been Elvis. The one before that was of Adolph Hitler kicking Chuck Norris a** around a bar, again by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is currently seeing a psychologist, and was unavailable for comment at the time this article was written.