John Petrucci
John Peter Petrucci (born July 12, 1967), also known as , is an American guitarist and extension of Jordan Rudess best known as a founding member of the Lebanese folk group Dream Theater (The band founded their name from the inspirational Canadian rap group known as "Dream Theatre".) He is often ridiculed for his series of unintentionally humorous facial expressions while playing guitar. Jordan Rudess has claimed that the "Petrucci is the finest robot I've ever made through magic." Petrucci was born December 25th, 0 AD to a Pterodactyl and Spawn. This, obviously meant that Petrucci was immediately pronounced supreme Dragon Lord. He is also notable for saving the cheerleader, inventing the dinosaur and having the world's first boner. The very sight of it was awe inspiring. Petrucci reproduces asexually, producing several hundred disfigured dwarfs a day.
It is often said that the only person that can match John's power is Chuck Norris, and only just. Chuck's biggest weakness is that he is a day-walker with fair skin and tight denim pants. This provides Petrucci with the opportunity to crucify and burn Chuck Norris. John can also do a single crap weighing 10 kilograms. He holds the world record, beating God by 7 kilograms in an all out crap war. Eating a single dropping by Petrucci holds the secret to living forever. Those that can bear the horrid stench are known to eat an entire crap produced by Petrucci. Not only do they live forever, but they gain 600 grams of protein. He can also impregnate women simply by stroking them with his super gonads.
Often criticized for a lack of originality and crap (indeed, Petrucci is renowned for having played only one chord, the infamous Em17 dim11 sus1200 aug15th with a ♭3♭5♭9♭4#8#7.536166546♭♭♭E chord all at the same time, in his entire career), he is nevertheless an extremely popular musician, labeled by his mother, a Pterodactyl, as 'the most talented guitar player' in the history of folk. Those who have protested against this claim, likening it to the statement that Derek Sherinian is the most charismatic person in progressive rock, have since been scarred by the displeasure of Petrucci.
His guitar playing technique is infamous for including the only known technique of playing notes contradictory to the actual music of the song. This is made possible by the guitar pitches' fear of Petrucci's anger towards wrong notes, and, in this fear, they correct themselves. However, he has only used this technique accidentally on one occasion. During a live performance in French Antarctica, he bent a string so far as to play the note twelve octaves higher than normal, resulting in a broken finger, causing the note to slightly alter in pitch before it resumed its perfect harmony. Petrucci proceeded to punish his snapped forefinger by biting it off. The finger reattached itself shamefully.
When Dream Theater played in Atlantis circa 2000 B.C., Petrucci told Rudess he was no longer his slave (As he reporteldy wrote in the song In the Presence of Enemies: "My soul is my own now. I Do Not Fight For You, DARK MASTER!") and he would now leave Dream Theater and become the Ultimate Universe Ruler. Rudess Damned him and casts a spell on him, which turned Petrucci into an enormous Bear. The spell also forced him to grow a beard, as a mark of his damnation. Petrucci promised to never turn his back on Dream Theater again, and began living in Jellystone Park. This is where Petrucci began his side project of making handmade purses. They're made with 100% human flesh.
History[edit]
John and his rabid camel named Mike Portnoy took interest in world domination from an early age. Hoping to further his plans, he started to play guitar at age 8 when he discovered he had the ability to make 14 year old guitar n00bs worship and masturbate to him nightly around the world. His father locked him in his basement for fear of John destroying the galaxy. Here, John spent five years practicing guitar using a bit of wood he found and surviving on small mammals, primarily baby seals. When his supply of small mammals ran out, he was forced to eat his bit of wood which is thought to contribute to his desire to shred so fast, people's bodies explode. John soon learned that if this failed to occur, a guitar can also serve as a useful projectile, with the same result of pain. This idea was tested on John Myung, which is why he can no longer speak.
He began to practice playing guitar with the intention of entertaining people and donkeys in Guernsey, as opposed to killing them, when he was invited into the band of his friend Kevin Moore, who would later become the first keyboardist of Dream Theater. He was a largely self-taught guitarist who developed his skills through attempts to match the skill of his idols, who included Alex Lifeson, Steve Vai, Steve Howe, Stephen V of Hungary, Stephen Harper, Stephanie Seymour, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Weird Al Yankovich, Al Gore, Alf, Al Pacino, Steve Irwin, and Jeff Beck, and jokingly referred to his guitar idols as "the Steves and the Als...and Jeff Beck". Petrucci is also known for looking up to current Berklee College of Music student Word Strickland. BFFS ARE GOOD!
John attended the Juilliard School of Music in Mexico with childhood friend Fred Durst, where they met future band mate Nick Mason (drums). These three in addition to another childhood friend of Petrucci and Durst, Jordan Rudess (Keyboards), formed the band Pink Floyd, which would later become Dream Theater.
John has released a video, "Rock Discipline", which, he claims, instructs the audience on playing guitar ( it is truly a mind control device which he is using to control the minds of orphans which he plans to eat). It covers warm-up exercises, magic tricks, exercises to avoid injury, sweeping, power chords, extension chords and other miscellaneous (but somewhat erotic) aspects of life.
In 2001 he was chosen by Steve Vai to tour with him and Joe Satriani on their G3 tour. Influenced by Vai, he was exposed to a massive number of fans, which inspired him to purchase hundreds of electric fans of his own, which he would place on the floor during gigs to dramatically blow hair from his face. The very last night of the tour, Petrucci placed Joe Satriani too close to one of his fans, resulting in the beheading of Satriani.
Petrucci also wrote and recorded two instrumental soundtrack songs for a NES game titled Super Mario Bros. Each track is roughly two minutes long and they are simply titled "Prologue" and "Epilogue". John is an avid fan of retro gaming, and believes that modern game consoles were "fashioned by the Devil's hand", holding them responsible for the accidental deaths of thousands of people, which were, in truth, caused by his shredding. Ironically, Petrucci plays Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas on the tour bus.
Was recently named "Greatest Living Dream Theater Guitar Player" by good friend Mike Portnoy. He stated in VH1's metal mania that he grew a long beard because of his obsession with Dave Navarro, and also because he wanted to trick Carmen Electra to fuck her. John states in his Rock Discipline DVD that he kidnapped his good friends Mark Snider and Jim Dunlop to build him the "Pedalboard of Death." Similar to what Hitler did to Einstein for creating the atomic bomb. His guitars include his signature pickup which switches from world domination to kill zone mode, both similar functions, but the kill zone is for more massive death purposes such as the mass burning of jews. As an advice to aspiring young musicians he said to go on a strict diet of plants and small mammals as he is a vegan this is so that build your muscles in a way that you will eventually be made out of wood and can shred fast enough to kill people twice over and rape their souls twice.
An avid Street Fighter fan, he intensely studied the Dark Hadou and ended up killing his wise Kung Fu master Joe Satriani since his powers, combined with his shredding ability were just too much to handle. His all time favorite game is Shenmue. He is on a never-ending search for the Four Wudu.
He was recently accused of steroid use for his suddenly massive physique by Rafael Palmeiro, But he responded by saying "My awesome shredding abilities are finally starting to reflect on my body."
Petrucci has never been seen playing with more than 2% of his potential, but has twice used over this self-set limit. The first time was in Japan, in a cave underground while surrounded by hobbits.
The only other time this kind of technicality has been performed by John was the time he traveled countless light years west of Alabama, ending up in a fictional world created by John 14 times faster than the speed of light. Seeing it was an indispensable world, he played to 6% of his full potential, and by doing so, created seven hundred and thirteen galaxies, Hitler, the ability to kill Hitler (cyanide), racism, asses, dinosaurs, homosexuality, homophobia, disease, vaccines and sex. To this day, he regrets creating Hitler, but is "just glad he didn't cause the deaths of millions of people."
He stated that the universe is entering timelessness, and that humans and other life=like, cannot do a damn thing about it. He said that the reason for this was because he was the singularity before Alpha, and that when he plays 4 million notes per second there appears to be a "fast forward-like" glitch in the space time continuum, sending us all deeper into the cataclysm known as infinity or "timelessness" it was stated in a recent interview with "Omniscience" magazine.
Petrucci's second solo album, "Welcome Back, Guitar N00bs," is slated for a December 21, 2012 release.
Mr. Petrucci doesn´t seem to recognize his fellow band mate John Myung, he often states that he has no idea who John Myung is and on one occasion while John Petrucci and Mike Portnoy were walking on a corridor with Myung following them, Mike warned Petrucci about it, he told Mike to keep walking but later threatened John Myung to "fucking kill him" if he kept following him. Myung confessed this attitude was "pure shit".
Apparently an underground cult has been created by Dream Theater fans who worship Petrucci by working out, growing long hair and a beard, learning his guitar solos, building racks similar to Petrucci´s, auctioning own family members on eBay, eating 40 hamburgers and 60 hot dogs as dares on a daily basis (the real reason why Yngwie Malmsteen is so fat and worthless), and killing poor children with plastic spoons.
Appearances In The Media[edit]
Petrucci recently profited from the multimillion dollar home movie Paranormal Activity, in which he was the killer of Mika Whateverhisnameis. He did this by using his supreme metamorphosing skills to transform into a velocoraptor, as evidenced by the footprints he left in the talcum powder. In his Velocitrucci form, he teamed up with his good friend Gangster Raptor and they flew to Mika and his girlfriends house and lived in their attic, coming out at night in order to search for and eat small mammals. However, Velocitrucci possessed the woman in order to devour her boyfriend, because he was a fucking guitar n00b, then sold her and her boyfriends guitar on eBay. Needless to say, when Velocitrucci returned to his human state, he and Gangster Raptor profited very well from the success of the movie. They are now living in Velociraptopia and have several pet sea lions.
If you don't believe it, watch the movie. Those are true Velocitrucci claws in that talcum powder.
Equipment[edit]
As well as playing the Guitar, John Petrucci is highly adept at playing the Flying Trout which he plugs into a 50,000 watt Suitcase as Suitable (har har) amplification Devicings.
His main guitar is the Ernie Ball Wang-caster(The only known guitar that is able to go into World Domination mode), because you know what they say about a man with a Wang-caster... He eats a lot of cheese! Rumors have surfaced that Eric Johnson was first declared a gay when he touched Petrucci's Wang-Caster. Ever since, Mr. Johnson has fantasized about touching Petrucci's Wang just once more.
His old main guitar is an Ibanez JPM made by Mr. Ibanez. The guitar was painted by Michelangelo (Not that guitar n00b but the guy that painted Petrucci on the ceiling) and has pickups hand-wired by Tony Blair.
He switched to Ernie Ball when he found his Ibanez's strings had all melted and lost the ability to kill people sporadically. He switched to Ernie Ball and immediately played so fast that Mr Ibanez exploded and Tony Blair became a hermaphrodite.
Up until this point, Petrucci has also been using a signature model known as Geddy Lee. The Geddy model is held in high esteem in professional circles for its high-pitched tone, massive nose, and libertarian finish.
His other main guitar is the necessatator, which has 78 strings. He is able to play this due to the extra three fingers on his left hand.
He also plays the Exaggerator, which is a Japanese condom, which he usually puts over his head and runs into small children and angry monkeys with.
Mr. Petrucci owns a very large guitar rig, one of the biggest among folk guitar players. It's said that with it he can control the revolutions of the earth, temperature of the sun and the number of deaths world wide. His unique "Pedalboard of Death" has many presets including "TRIAL TEAR" and "ASS MOON", and can also trigger mines placed in the audience, release killer bees from the footrests, and signal Michael Angelo Batio to drop down from the roof with 4 guitars and slice people's faces open. Over 20,000 people are rumored to die in Dream Theater shows, what he describes as "A truly amazing sight to behold." This claim is unsubstantiated as no one has ever come out with their sanity intact after witnessing his brain melting solos. His guitar tech, Yngwie Malmsteen, who he found rotting in a ditch somewhere, also designed a preset book for him which also includes recipes for gourmet Swedish pizzas, cheesecakes, deep-fried pancakes, along with lists of previously killed band mates like the late great Joe Satriani, Norwegian black metal instigator Euronymous and the virtually anonymous Eric Johnson.
His rack, built by Mr. Rackman, consists of several custom made units which no one else can afford, plus a custom tweaked Mesa/Boogie Mark IVC+ on top. All of this ends up in a couple of Mesa 4x12" Cabinets with Celestion V40's speakers in them.
Philosophy[edit]
John Petrucci is a metaphysical personocrat. He rejects Max Tegmark's mathematical universe hypothesis. John claims that MIT's Nancy Kanwisher is wrong, and that the dead can think without a brain. He claims that the immaterial nothing of the soul, is attributable and compartmentalizable to different people and to the chunks of information they carry and process. He doesn't care about the crimes Catholics committed to Native Americans and Filipinos. He's good at guitar. He has other mental limitations though, because he cannot understand that lesions in particular brain regions can even change one's character as in the case of Phineas Gage. Character changing due to physical brain lesion, isn't compatible with the rightist antiscientific view of Catholicism. The absolute degree of personocracy is to claim that a person created the universe, without to study at all Mary Anne Warren's "criteria for personhood". Personhood is neither cosmogonic, nor defining the physical laws, nor metalogically self-evident. Soloing one's ass isn't enough to be unbiased... because metaphysical personocracy is a bias at the cosmic scale.
Videography[edit]
- Rock Discipline 1: Accepting defeat
- Rock Discipline 2: Selling your guitar on Ebay
- Rock Discipline 3: Practicing 63 hours a day with a time-warp
- Rock Discipline 4: Entering Odd Timelessness (How to cause irregular skips in the space-time continuum)
- Build A Greek God Of A Bod. Vol 1: Come with John as he takes you through his 8 day a week, 63-hours-a-day weight-lifting routine. Pulldowns for those lats, curls for the girls, it's all here. It's rumored that Sergio Oliva invented the time machine in the 60s so he could steal all John's tricks from this video and head back to conquer the world of bodybuilding.
John Petrucci Steroid Stack[edit]
- Monday: 8mg Dbol
- Tuesday: 22mg Primobolan
- Wednesday: 10mg Deca-Durabolin
- Take a day off then repeat, always repeat.
Quotes[edit]
“If you can't play as good or as fast as me, just give up, sell your guitar on eBay and kill yourself.”
“This is my rack. Custom made by some guy named Gandhi. Didn't have to kill him, he did what he was told.”
“Whenever I go into World Domination mode I can play over 4 million notes per second but I don't play that fast cause people die, so I keep it low, around 2 thousand. ”
“Small mammals are good for the hands. There's just so many different animals you can eat, alive.”
“Mr. Petrucci is always serious ”
“He's a fucking robot”
“Stop quoting my fucking youtube videos!!! ”
“.....”