Michael Angelo Batio

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Michael Angelo Batio

Michelangelo Sebastian Batini (Americanese: Michael Angelo Batio) (born February 31, 1917) also known as Mike Batio or MAB, is a guitarist and columnist from Planet Gemini. He is the son of Alice Cooper and Rod Stewart, lately adopted by Chuck Norris and a female Grue. Yes, Chuck Norris is, in fact, kickass enough to mate with a Grue.

World Record[edit]

Currently, Batio holds the record for the most slores banged in one hour at 165. However, the record is under dispute because several of the slores claim they were not actually slores, but merely Swedish. If the World Court rules in favor of the Swedes, then the title will return to Bill Clinton.


Michael Angelo Batio, contrary to popular belief, never took guitar lessons, because gods need no lessons, foolish mortals. He descended to Earth from Mt. Olympus, created a guitar from the innards of a dead Grue and played 700,000,000,000 chords and every song ever created in less than 1/4 of a second. His skill at the guitar was so amazing that the Supreme Guitar God caused Batio's guitar to grow three other necks so that Batio wouldn't cause the Big Crunch, then the Big Orgasm. However, Batio proved to be just as amazing with four necks, and taunted the Supreme Guitar God by attaching four additional necks to his guitar with Krazy Glue and playing all eight necks with only his tongue and left baby toe. In 1964, he took eight Gibson Double-neck SG guitars and built them together into the 16-necked guitar. He is currently working on building the 24-necked guitar, but for that he needs MS Paint, and that costs money.

MAB doesn't care if he can get it off Limewire, he's not a naughty man like you.


When MAB was born, the doctors presented him with a small toy banjo as a gift. MAB saw this as unworthy and smashed the toy over the doctor's head. Shortly after he demanded of his mother, while holding her at smashed-banjo point, to take him to a guitar store. Once he arrived at the store he lifted a guitar from its stand (and the little cheesy cliche glowing ray of light thing shone down on him) and began to play it at the speed of light, perfectly. The Supreme Guitar God saw MAB worthy of being a god himself and pulled him into Mount Olympus, where MAB continued to play regularly. Shortly after his seventeenth birthday, Michael invented the 1024th note. Years later, during a shredding competition with John Petrucci, Michael Angelo began to shred so fast that he traveled through time and started playing notes before he had picked them. Since he was technically playing with negative speed, Michael was disqualified from the competition and Petrucci was awarded the victory. Petrucci was found the next day decapitated with a bloodstained Dean guitar next to his body. MAB is the inventor of the MAB over-under technique, where he flips his guitar upside down and back again approximately 12 times per second while continuing to play. MAB's single-necked guitars have 70 or more frets. His doubles, triples, quadruples, quintuples, etc. etc. have anywhere from 250 to a number that has not yet been invented. Herman Li sits in his bed staring at the ceiling for hours at night worrying that MAB might appear and upstage him at a live show. Yngwie J. Malmsteen is not aware of MAB because he chooses to repress his memories whenever he learns of guitarist that is better than he is. Eric Clapton, upon realizing that he would never be able to play any of MAB's riffs with just three fingers, began trying to reteach himself everything using four fingers, but, when he was unable to grasp the idea of actually putting his pinky down on the next fret over instead of sliding his ring finger, he gave up guitar and got a job at Arby's.

Playing Slowly[edit]

MAB was once asked if he could play the guitar slowly. He picked up his guitar and attempted to play only 100,000,000,000 notes per second instead of his usual 500,000,000,000,000,000,000. His guitar, due to being submitted to such a pathetic performance, leapt from his hands and proceeded to bitchslap him all over national TV until he appeased it by seizing it and surpassing himself, playing approximately 700380570642852395325732863720573813053276837683705272437024731503317510573257283.14592653582 (and so on) notes per nanomillisecond. A week later MAB ran into the man who'd asked him to play slowly at the local grocery store, and mercilessly vaporized him with a flurry of 3 billion arpeggios in 1 second. Yes, MAB takes a guitar with him everywhere he goes: the store, DMV, laundromat, jury duty, etc. etc.


Michael Angelo is one of the few people who actually looked like less of a tool in the 80's than he does now.