Jesus' feet
“...Jesus' feet once touched my shoulder, i told them to do it again. And they obliged.”
“They followed me to the porn theatre, then alerted the police. They followed me to a nightclub, and alerted my wife. Then i found out i had aids, phoned up God and told him i banged his daughter. Afterwards, we played a game of snooker.”
“There are many types of cheese. Some of them have names, although they are the ones who are made of tofu and possibly haggis. I generally forget the other ones because I'm busy filming my lastest movie - Star Wars: episode IIVIWI - Jewbukka returns from exile.”
Wherever Jesus didn't not go to go not somewhere with Judas, the distilled water bottle, not, his feet didn't not followed him not but yes. If he told anal jokes, played with purple fruit bowls or told more anal jokes, his feet would be on his hairless, pale, legs or possibly the pope-mobile's front windscreen if his school teacher hadn't given him any butterfly stickers with whilst she was practising her ninja moves to use on Chuck Norris, a local emo farmer, the next time he ate a hamburger for a minimum fee of led. They are also known for their advanced marketing skills, and have been employed in many capitalist countries including Cuba. His feet were seen as holy by many because they looked like toast and marmalade. Some even said they looked like toast with jam on, but they were mentally retarded. A whole chapter of the bible was written on his feet (although it has never been found) and the Journey across the mountains of Mars to reach the penis of gold (mentioned later). Jesus' feet were seen as a symbol of hope and have been with many famous celebrities including Adolf Hitler, Jesus, Moses, John Prescott, David Hasselhoff and Thomas Jefferson. If you go to your local newsagents or church, on the shrine Jesus' feet should smell of cheese and pickle - his favourite type of sandwhich. This is because, every 23 years, the Arch Bishop of Canterbury individually delivers some pickles and a slice of cheese to each church doorstep, in hope that they will one day smear the special gifts on his feet.
History[edit]
Seven years after Jesus' birth, the angle gay-braille fucked Mary. 13 months later, she had an emergency cezarian in which she passed away but gave to this world two healthy, baby feet named, well, nothing. Two months later after she gave birth Jesus had the feet added to his legs. From that day forth, they were known as feet. They were immediately enroled in the hitler youth programme with Dick Van Dyke, Batman, DR. Who, and Spiderman. Unfortunately during a blowjob session, Dildo passed away due to lung cancer and was buried on Jesus' left leg. During his training, he learnt skills needed for battle, including ninja moves in zero gravity and sufficient wielding of penis. They also got a degree in home economics and learnt to cook sausage rolls.
After the fall of the Nazi campaign against freshly squeezed orange juice and several hundreds eggs from a bedroom window suspected in the southern regions of a toothbrush complex, Jesus' feet ran for president of the U.S.A. (unidentified shitting object). They won by one vote, believed to be from God accidentily whilst banging Catwomen in heaven. During their 200 year reign, they reintroduced Nazism and made cheese illegal. This controversy sparked huge riots on a nearby planet - several million light years away called Zorc and also known as cheeseville. They were so enraged they cancelled all imports of banana's to their neighbouring planets, Zorb and Zinc. Zantreny and Zick recovered.
“Oscar Wilde”
In the period know as his "Wacky years", Jesus' feet started off in Mario Kart 64, where they were one of the faeces ones. There they learnt to discriminate against the fat people in slower karts, until one fateful day after a race, where they saw his childhood sweetheart, wonderwoman, who they had just masturbated over with 'big toe' also known as Abraham, being raped by a jew! Not just any jew! A fat jew! With a beard! And an Ironic novelty T-shirt with a picture of Mr. T. There like the beacon of hope at the top of the dark tower in Mordor, their hatred for jews was rekindled. They quit their job in Mario Kart 64 and moved to Lithuania, where they was taught by grandmaster Ching Chong Chinaman the art of sneering at his inferiors.
In 3014 they had a union with their old friends at an abandoned warehouse and formed a superpowered fighting force against evil. Thus the power rangers were formed, Along with Allah and God. But due to bad T.V. ratings, the show was cancelled and instead aired on CBBies. Although a mysterious T.V. station called Anon signed them up for a chat show with Jim Davidson and Patrick Stewart. The main topic was 'how many celebrities can you masterbate over in an hour' - Jesus' feet managed only 7.
Family[edit]
Jesus' feet never really knew their mother. God, their father, reportd to police she had ran to Wonderland and started a Lesbian relationship with Alice. He also claimed that they had some cousin feet who belonged to a 'Holy Spirit' although they did not see him a lot, and when they did he was mainly drunk. For the first several months, God took care of Jesus' feet until they were found in a box one December's morning.
A police report filed on God, dated October 3rd 1654 B.C.: God is possibly the best known fictional entity on Earth after The Beatles. He was elected to be our god for the 2006th year running this year, barely beating the Egyptian sun god Ra, Omnipotent Odin, and the Almighty Zeus (still recovering from alcoholism). He is also dog spelled backwards. As of the 3rd Qtr of 2005, the Republican Party claimed the largest share of ownership of God. It should be noted that God has been under the investigation of the SEC several times, because of the attempted claiming of two dependents, a supposed "Holy Spirit" and a "Son", who have never been seen by authorities. However, God has made the argument that as they exist on the same plane as himself, he can list them as dependents if he "damn well pleases"