HowTo:Place a personals ad

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“GWM Poet, seeking pretty pony with which to romp in the rump”

~ Oscar Wilde on HowTo:Place a personals ad

He's quite a catch, and he needs to be caught

At some point in one’s life, there may be a need for the type of interpersonal companionship that a dog, or a kitten, or even a hamster can not provide. For those who are tired of the bar scene, are anti-social, or can no longer afford the high cost of Personal Escorts, there is the personals ad. Therefore, the purpose of this article, How to: Place a personals ad, will review the steps necessary to write an effective personals ad to cure that desperate and dateless feeling.

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Determining your objective[edit]

The first step in determining what steps are right for you, you must first determine the objective of the ad. What do you want this ad to attract? If it isn’t a relationship with another person, but instead an ad for a maid, then you want to see How to: Place a classified.

For example, if you are a heterosexual man and you seek the companionship of a heterosexual woman, you would do best not to advertise in the Advocate Classifieds. Why? Because that publication is strictly for men who seek men for purposes other than forming bowling teams or taking mancations.

So if you are a man who seeks a woman who is a seeking a man who is seeking a woman by placing a personals ad, then you must run you ad in a place where such women browse such ads. Duh!

Determining your best attributes[edit]

In order to write your ad, you will need to determine what you are going to write about yourself that will attract a potential mate. What draws two people together is attraction. There are two schools of thought on attraction:

  • Like Minded People Theory. According to this theory, like minded people seek out each other through their common interests. So if you are an avid birdwatcher, it would best to advertise this if you would like to seek out a kindred soul who also likes spending hours peeping into trees and across the sky shrieking “There he goes!” when a speckled partridge waddles by. Likewise, if you are a boozehound, in search of lush, then that would be importance.
  • The Opposites Attract Theory. According to this theory, opposite personality traits tend to attract one and other because they compliment one and other. So under this theory its stands to reason that a very short man with a boob fetish would seek out an Amazon type with very large, ripe bosoms; she would seek out a short man because it would be handy to have one about in case a small object were to fall under a table. Thus, each gets something from the other: one gets the ability to reach out of the way places and the other gets their Oedipus complex taken care of.


Because ad venues charge by the word, one must understand the myriad of abbreviations that exist. They are very easily to understand and even the most exotic needs can be whittled down to initials. For example a MAN is abbreviated a “M”. See how easy that is grasp? And what do you think “W” stands for? If you guessed “George W. Bush” you guessed wrong – “W” means a WOMAN who has a George W. Bush fetish.

“G” stands for GAY, “L” stands for LADIES LPGA GOLFER and “S” can either mean STRAIGHT or SINGLE; SINGLE can either mean a heterosexual or a non-heterosexual person. So there is no need to guess, its all plain as the “N” on your “F”.

For a list of abbreviations, see the section at the bottom of this article.

Getting it all down[edit]

It is vital that when writing your ad that you get it all down, and then swap out as many words as you can with initials that mean something. For example the following ad is a perfect example of getting what you really want:

SWJM seeks versatile GWM into the club scene Me: br/br, height/weight proportionate, I enjoy being one of the boys. You should be single, fun loving and looking for that one special someone who you know you can depend on no matter what. You must also be into CBT and S/M and FF, BB, no exceptions, but always open to new experiences.

According to this ad, a 5”1” 420lbs. (as tall as she is wide) single white Jewess who is mature is seeking a Gentile White Man who enjoys going to Jazz clubs or just hanging out with the guys and watching sports. She’s looking for a man who isn’t cheating behind the back of another woman, witty, and looking for that one special person with which they can confide. But she is also looking for someone who shares her passions for Croquet, Basket Weaving and Tennis as well as someone who is a diehard fan of Bob Seeger and Moby and our feathered friends including Big Bird!

Wrapping it all up[edit]

So remember, when writing your personal ad, consider your needs (not theirs), your interests (not theirs) and above all be truthful about the positive attributes that you are proud of, while saving those annoying little habits that have kept you from a healthy relationship for later.


The following a list of abbreviations that you may helpful in writing your personals ad:

Man: M
Woman: W
Straight: S
Gay: G or Q
Lesbian: L
Mature Lesbian: Tweedy
Gentleman: G or GM
Gentlewoman: L, or GW
Bisexual: B
BiCurious: S/M
Bottom: B
Top: T
Versatile: Vers
Croquet: C
Basket weaving: B
Butterball: BB
Loves to Gab: Oral
Lives for Finger Foods: FF
See the Bee?: CDB
Loves to Eat Out: Cunning Linguistic.
Eats the crème center of the Oreo first: Feltch
Working for a temporary agency: Sub.
Delivers the spankings at home: Dom
First up player on the Devonshire Cricket Team: Pitcher
The one likes to get it from the Pitcher: Catcher
Ann Heche: Switch Hitter
Swings both ways: Tarzan
I love creamy deserts: Bukkake
You mother warned you about men like me: Necrophiliac
Ugly women got pussies too!: Looks unimportant
Can’t get off without a vibrator: PNP

See Also[edit]