HowTo:Pity the Fool

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Mr. T smiling after pitying someone, who breathed near his soup.

Pitying the fool is a fucking easy task based on the catchphrase of Mr. T, co-founder of Samuel L. Jackson's Centre for Bad Motherfuckers. Pitying the fool may result in the death of the person being pitied. The art of pitying the fool can be likened to the art of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick, although devastatingly more powerful. Pitying the fool consists mainly of just talking about doing it and few people know how Mr. T does it, for he pities the sun for a brief moment and so while he is pitying the thing or person, The Earth is fucked up a wall.


Well, let's face it- you're tired of being pushed around by people taller then you (perhaps of a different color?) Well, that stops now, you stupid ass white-boy! You're gonna stand up for yourself and pity the fool, and using this guide you will be feared. By the way, you won't be big and strong through this guide. If you want to visit that page, do so now. Right! Get ready to be like the big man himself (maybe not in size or awesomeness, but perhaps close to his attitude).

Step One - Preparation[edit]

First of all, you need to go around telling people you're planning on pitying someone, so everyone will get excited and be expecting a death or finally seeing what pitying someone looks like. Little do they know it's not amazingly interesting in the slightest. The next part of preparation is to practice a mad face- for example, buying a Glenn Beck poster and constantly staring at it until he gets inside your mind, which will take a few milliseconds before it truly sinks in. It is important your face is just right before you start pitying fools. You will need to practice your new-found pitying face on some small child, who may or may not be a fool at this time, but at this time it does not matter.

Step Two - Choose Method Of Pity[edit]

There are many forms of pitying someone, the most common is the method is pitying someone behind their back, which is seen as a way of shaming them and giving them a reputation as something of an asshole. Here is a brief list of things pitying may include:

  • To cure disease
  • To kill
  • To order food in a Drive-thru
  • To argue whether you wish to get on a plane or not
  • To diss someone’s get-up
  • To shop

Now choose how you want that thing to do what you want. This is very hard and will eventually result in your pity.

Step Three - Practice[edit]

In terms of the violent pitying of a person, without decent practice on an animal or small object you will never be able to pull it off on someone bigger than you. But whatever you do, NEVER PRACTICE ON A MIRROR! IT WILL RESULT IN INSTANT DEATH. (If you do it right, that is.) Peter Johnson of Poland is the only known survivor of self-pitying, and says that he wishes that he was killed because he is now stuck in a continuous spiral of pity. The best thing to practice your pity on is a snail. Pretend that you want it to bring you some salt from your kitchen. (Which would kill the snail, by the way.) After you have completed this challenge without touching the snail, then you have successfully conquered the pity.

Step Four - The First Attempt[edit]

Now that you are armed with a weapon more powerful than a gun and not quite as powerful as Chuck Norris' Right Leg (or His Left for that matter), you are ready to have a real go at at pitying someone. The best way to start off is to head to an area where there as an increased level of danger to your usual surroundings. You will most likely be approached by someone much larger than you, and whether they wish you harm or not, they most likely deserve a good pitying, so now that you are ready...

The following is censored by the
National Commitee Of Pitying the Fool.

Step Five - Glory[edit]

Now that you have successfully pitied someone, after you've basked in the glory from all your fans and stalkers, you can join the ranks of other people who have also completed this task, here is a short list:

Hmm...that, actually, is a short list. Well done. Be sure to add your name unless you haven't actually done and you lying. In which case, kindly go to this page.