HowTo:Deny your nerdiness
So, you're using your computer, reading Uncyclopedia, when suddenly you realize it. You've become a nerd. You always knew everyone else who got near computers is a nerd, but you never thought that rule it applied to you!
The first idea that comes to your mind is simple: "Stop being a nerd." But this requires some thought. To lose your nerd status and become an anti-nerd, you would have to avoid touching any technology ever again. This means you will live a boring life and end up as some old guy with Alzheimer's who is always talking about how things were different back in his day, and no one used these computchamacallits. If you have an extreme case of nerdism, you could even die.
So the simplest method is to merely deny your nerdiness. This guide outlines, in detail, how to avoid being found out.
Perhaps the most popular way to deny your nerdiness is to play sports. After all, sports are the only activity of anti-nerds. Especially football. You must train for hours a day to play these games which no one cares about, and watch every sports game possible. In fact, the very definition of having a life is playing sports. Your sports priorities are as follows (take note that you will never, ever get into professional sports):
- Moar football
- Everything else
- All non-American sports
You must be as dedicated to sports as nerds are dedicated to Star Trek. This includes knowing every athlete by name, team, and number. It's very important to make fun of anyone who doesn't play sports (see Sports#Sports and Masculinity for an excellent example of a nerd using this technique). The use of steroids actually decreases your nerdiness and will make you more popular.
For your favorite teams, pick one of the two current top teams for each sport. If your team starts losing, change back to a winning team. Your chosen team should never lose, as this detracts from your artificial-awesomeness.
World of Warcraft
By far the most important aspect of denying your nerdiness. As far as you are concerned, 3 facts are true of all WoW players:
- They all have a specific diet of Cheetos and Red Bull
- They only have girlfriends for their WoW character.
- They don't have any lives other than their jobs to pay for WoW
When you see, hear, or even THINK about WoW, you MUST point out at least 2 of these 3 points. In comparing yourself to the inferior players of WoW, you are bringing yourself up higher than those fools. Plus, the joke is always funny.
Be an idiot
Everyone knows that nerds are smart, so it only makes sense to make yourself appear stupid in order to avoid being found out. As of now, your vocabulary doesn't have any words longer than 6 letters. Refrigerators are now cold boxes. Microwaves are now ovens. Computers are now... see next section.
As for school, you don't know anything. Forget the fact that any idiot can get into whatever class, as of now you think it is a reflection of your actual intelligence, and therefore your nerdiness. It helps to purposefully fail classes, mainly those which you can pass without doing anything anyway.
It is essential that you have a large ego, and think you are better at everything than you actually are. This includes video games, which you never play because you aren't a nerd, even though you are a nerd and do play them. The three exceptions are Guitar Hero, Rock Band, and Halo (especially Halo). Somehow, some way, people will think that playing Halo will actually decrease your nerdiness. This is a popular myth based on Halo being home to an extremely high number of idiots. However, it is also a spawning ground for nerds. The other two games are just ripoffs of common mini-games that no one liked in the first place. Also, you don't even know who Mario is.
Technology is the very backbone of nerdism. Touching any piece of technology will immediately lead to you being found out. The only safe technology is anything with a lowercase I at the beginning of its name, cell phones, and cars.
iPods: Cherish these iPods, as they are your only form of entertainment. Since you lack computers, and therefore the internet, there is little fun to be had. Thankfully you can listen to iPods however long you like; however, the only types of music you can listen to are rap and rock. If rap is chosen, remember the simple formula of times shot + times jailed = quality of rapper's music, with a value of 10 or higher being ideal. Also, somehow, without using the dreaded computers, get a picture of Halo on your iPod and just stare for hours. This is a common activity among (fake) anti-nerds.
Cell phones: You should talk on a cell phone even when you don't have to or want to. You'll probably get a brain tumor eventually, but it's okay, since you are too not nerdy to care. Pretend to be interested in everything. For example, if person A dumped girlfriend/boyfriend B, pretend that you care, even though it has nothing to do with you. Then proceed to tell everyone else, just to prove how unnerdy you are.
Cars: You won't settle for some simple car. You need the all-new 2010 [generic car company] [expensive car]! This particular car does nothing special. The point is that it is expensive. Just for having an expensive car, you are cool and therefore not a nerd. You also must know the specific make and model of every car you see. To simple nerds, they are merely "cars" and "trucks". Pfft. You are superior to these nerds and must know everything about these worthless heaps of metal.
Computers: These just exist for you to make fun of. Pretend you don't know what anything does. If you hear someone talk about a "mouse", say something like "Mouse? You mean like those little animals? No? Hah, what a nerd." STAY AWAY FROM THE INTERNET AT ALL COSTS. The internet is the best thing ever, and since you are trying to be an idiot, you must stay away. Far away.
Television: This just exists to watch sports. You should have cable, but don't use it. A widescreen is a necessity.
Shave your head. Every day. After taking a shower (which you should do 3-4 times a day), smear dirt on yourself to make it look like you have been playing a rough game of football. Always chew gum, solely for how you look while chewing gum. Do not under any circumstances wear glasses, and ALWAYS wear Abercrombie/Hollister clothing for that matter. You'll just have to go around not being able to see anything, while looking like a complete douchebag. Sometimes it can help to have acne, but remember the difference between your acne is that a nerd's acne is pink, while you have dirt smeared in yours.
You are a nobody. You are a complete nothing from nowhere. You will never be anything, except an idiot. However, you won't be a nerd, which is all that matters. And you are awesome, at least in your own mind. (But not in ours.)