HowTo:Buy a One Way Ticket to Hell and Back
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“It's always nice this time of year! Sure beats the alternative. Did you know that in heaven, they DON'T torture you?”
“You mean you wanna go WHERE?!?!?”
Do you want to have a great vacation in the tropical climate of Hell, complete with numerous tourist resorts and beaches along the famous burning lake of sulfur? Do you wish to see the big guy in red tights, and come back alive? Well now you can, by following Uncle Belthazor's guide to touring hell and coming back in one piece! Just be sure to bring a couple of chilled beers with you, as you're probably gonna get thirsty.
How to Get There[edit]
The easiest way to get to Hell is to commit suicide. What? That's right! Most people who commit suicide go the the famous afterlife barbecue, so it's probably your best bet. "Well how do I commit suicide" you ask. How? It's simple! You can:
- Get a gun, and do the ol' lead in the head trick.
- Don't have a gun? That's OK! Just go skydiving and delibrately forget the parachute. Works every time.
- Can't afford sky diving? Don't worry! There's always the good old fashioned car crusher at your local junk yard!
- No junk yard nearby? Darn. Try Pop Rocks and Coca cola.
Oops...[edit]
So you were TOO good of a person eh. Accidentally went to Heaven, and not Hell? This happens sometimes, so you gotta be prepared for things like this. To get yourself out of heaven, you need an angel willing to give you a mid-air piggy back ride. Once you and your new angel friend are out of heaven's boundaries and flying over the burning pits themselves, let go. You only got one shot at this so aim well. If you miss, Mr. Angel isn't very likely to give you any more piggy back rides.
Checking In[edit]
When you first arrive at Hell, don't be surprised to see a long line. The people who check in the future residents of hell are former DMV employees, so it may take a while. I suggest you bring a book, or something to entertain yourself when you die. Be sure apply lots of sunscreen, as someone decided to turn up the thermostat a bit.
Finally...[edit]
After 18 hours of waiting, you finally get to the end of the line. Here, you receive your death certificate, assigned residence, and official ticket to hell. The funny thing is that the DMV employees charge a $16 registration fee for eternal damnation. Talk about a rip-off!
At the Hell Motel[edit]
As you arrive in your motel room, don't be surprised about the quality. The beds have fleas, the showers have only freezing cold water, and the cable's broken. The only bathrooms are uncleaned Porty potties, so you may want to hold it for a while. The room service is terrible, and the ceiling is lined with asbestos, but hey! At least it's cheap.
Tourist Attractions in Hell[edit]
Ah! So you're finally at Hell and have finished unpacking! But now you have to decide what you actually want to do. Not to worry! Uncle Belthazor has it covered. These are the some of the more popular pastimes tourists like to do at this time of year:
Get your picture taken with Hitler[edit]
By far the most popular tourist attraction. Get your picture taken with the ol' man himself! Ask him all the questions you want, such as why he has something against Jewish people. He'll be perfectly glad to answer them. Although the photos are free, for an extra 3 bucks the photographer will frame your photo for you. The frames are just made of cheap plastic, so it's not usually worth it.
Get tortured[edit]
This is the downside of living in hell. You aren't allowed to skip torture sessions, as Hell's law forbids playing hookie. Try to make good friends with the demons, so they'll go easy on you. The first time is always the hardest.
Have the big man himself give you his autograph[edit]
This one is also quite popular among the tourists. Basically you wait in a short line, go up to the devil, shake his hand, and he'll sign a photograph of himself for you. Having the devil's autograph is quite a fun thing to brag about once you return to the world of the living, so this one is a must do. Also, the autograph might be quite valuable among satanists, so you may wish to sell it. Keep it or sell it, the choice is yours.
How to get back[edit]
So you've finally decided to pack up, because your tired of getting tortured and the heat is making you miserable. But how do you get out? Getting out of hell is almost as getting in, just not many people know how. To get out of Hell, you must follow one of two methods.
Method 1: Steal someone's "just visiting" pass[edit]
Although difficult to do, it's entirely possible to find someone with a pass. Be patient, for it may take a while. Once you do find someone, all you need to do is knock em' out, remove their visiting pass, and place it on yourself. If your a really talented pick-pocket, you don't even have to knock em' out! But while your at it, you might as well take their wallet too for a few extra bucks. What's the worse that could happen? You're already in hell. All that's left is to walk right out hell's front door, avoiding security altogether.
Method 2: Demand a refund[edit]
Remember that registration fee that you had to pay? Well guess what! You're allowed to refund your citizenship in Hell! All you have to do is walk over to the Complaint department and make a big scene about how terrible the misery in Hell is.. For instance, you could make the argument that some people might actually LIKE fleas on their bed, and that some people find the fire-proofing qualities of asbestos quite comforting. Once you convince them to refund your citizenship, you will be escorted out the front door as you are not legally allowed in hell anymore. Best of all, you got to keep the $16 bucks in your pocket! Piece of Cake!
Method 3: Proclaim your love for Jesus[edit]
He's forgiving, right? So why not take advantage of his good nature as a ticket out of hell? Sure you might have done some 'bad' things, but hey: we're all sinners anyway, right? So get on up to the very tippy top of hell's tallest building and shout at the top of your lungs "I LOVE JESUS! PRAISE THE LORD!". Of course, if the angel happened to rat on you about the piggy back ride, it's your best bet to cross your fingers and hope that God doesn't hold grudges.
Tips[edit]
- Be sure to wear sun shades at all times. That way, all the horrific images are hard to make out.
- Don't drink the water. It's piped directly from urinals located within the Mexican border.
- Don't walk anywhere alone at night. All the bad people go to Hell. As it is always dark out, you might be better off if you avoid walking altogether.
- Make sure your relatives don't cremate your body when you die. Otherwise you might find yourself in quite a predicament.