HowTo:Bake a cake

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Your cake will probably not look like this. Sorry.

Below is an extensive guide on the creation and consumption of cake (any variety).


  • 2 cups of flour
  • 1/2 cup of butter
  • Guilt from that thing you did two summers back.
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 1/2 cups of water
  • 2 teaspoons of baking soda
  • 1 1/2 cups of white sugar
  • 1 fuckton of salt


Get two bowls. Put flour, sugar, and whatever amount of salt you want. It really doesn't matter how much you put in. Salt is salt. Slightly melt the butter, using a microwave, oven, or bunsen burner. Put the butter in the second bowl, as well as the eggs and water.

Put the two bowls together and mix thoroughly. Lick the batter a bit if you really want to. Be cautious that you may get Salmonella.

Next, remember that thing you did two summers back. Your self-hate will increase flavor.

Preheat your oven to 360 to 1000 degrees fahrenheit and place the cake inside.

Optional Things[edit]

You may also put other things on your cake. We don't judge. This includes chocolate chips, strawberries, cherries, and other delicious food. You may also add some food dye to the cake. Red is a color you have seen a lot, obviously, so that's a good option.

Note. For best results, don't use most things that are hazardous to your health.

Important. For example: Do not use cyanide pills. Smarties are sometimes just as festive.

Frosting is almost a must. Frosting can come in many colors, shades, shapes, degrees, types, and so on. A good example of a color is green. There are other colors, too, apparently. Frosting can come in any flavor, except for banana, because that's gross.


This section will be short as there is not much to handling your cake.

Use oven mittens to take the cake out of the oven, unless you are a masochist and wish to burn yourself. If you do burn yourself, a visit to the hospital is completely optional. If the cake is burnt, cut your tongue off to avoid burning yourself, unless, again, you are a masochist.

You may be tempted to try the cake before it cools down. This is discouraged as it is painful and, to be honest, kind of gross.


Cut your cake up into exactly eleven equal pieces. Any more or less will inevitably cause the heat-death of the Universe. Place each piece on a plate, and serve them to your friends, if you have any left, that is. If you have none, eating all of them yourself is acceptable, if not encouraged. Any weight-gain caused by the consumption of your cake is fine, as you probably have a gym nearby, unless you're broke.


How is your cake? If it is delicious, congratulations, you have done very well! If not, you probably should try again, this time, adding some more existential dread. However, you're not the only determiner. Ask your friends if they like your cake. Here are some indications of their opinions:

  • Barf: Wonderful cake. Improvement not necessary.
  • Spitting out: Also wonderful, although flavor could be improved.
  • Smile/Look of satisfaction: Your cake is probably unsatisfying, despite their social cues. Consider changing the way you made it.
  • Hug/Kiss/Blowjob/Pat on back: Throw it in the garbage.