Harlem Shake

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“Let's do the Harlem Shake! Right after I huff this sable kitten.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Harlem Shake

“Mmmmm... tasty! Like a royale with cheese!”

~ Morgan Freeman on Harlem Shake

“Mmmmm... tasty! Like a quarter pounder with cheese! HEY YOU BAD MOTHAFUCKA UP THERE! THAT WAS MY LINE!”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on Harlem Shake

Harlem Shake: a nutritious milk concoction imbibed by the basketball group known as The Harlem Globetrotters, who endorse its dietary value on YouTube motion pictures in various guises. Legend states that those who drink of the Harlem Shake will be endowed with great power, without the great responsibility that comes with it. Legend also states, in a quieter and sneakier voice, that conditions apply.


The First Harlem Shake came into existence when the Big Bang huffed herself by mistake. Everyone involved agrees that a dissonant female voice was heard just prior to this event, exhorting them to "do" the Harlem Shake. As this voice precludes spoken language and indeed, sound itself, it is postulated that the voice belonged to The Goddess. The Goddess herself is silent on this matter.

After it came into existence, the First Harlem Shake proceeded to create humanity in order to have a people who would worship it. However, these people decided to worship Mr. T instead, as he pitied them foos. The First Harlem Shake went into a shivering rage, and proclaimed that there would come, in the distant future, a race of tall and well-built humans who would be able to appreciate the finer nuances of taste, which meant that they would pray only to the Harlem Shake. The First Harlem Shake then went into hibernation, plunging Earth into darkness with a cry of poignant woe.

Early Life[edit]

The First Harlem Shake had no life, only hibernation. Humanity soon realized the error of their ways, but in vain. Mr. T worship was as addictive to them as huffing apple pie, and they could not withdraw from his benevolence due to the fear of his pity, which had whips of fire and knew how to use them.

Despondent with their loss, the first humans turned to their Chief, Miss Prometheus. Yes, Prometheus was actually a woman. Miss Prometheus went into 15 days and 2 minutes of deep meditation, followed immediately by a toilet break and contortion into a variety of shapes. She then realized that her people were calling out to her. Unmistakable cries of "Miss Chief! Miss Chief!" rent the air, and vultures were donning their bibs and sharpening their kusarigamae. Mr. T had arrived to do battle!

Prometheus, being a woman, decided to use her powers of seduction, and contorted into a variety of beguiling shapes in front of Mr. T's disbelieving eyes. Mr. T then uttered "HUBBA HUBBA" and they proceeded to dance the bachata together. Judges awarded them an 8.5 average, with a bonus of 17 points for the wiggling of Prometheus' Callipygian parts. Later, this dance was adapted into a film called Silver Linings Playbook.

Thus, humanity now had a new Harlem Shake to follow, although it was a dance and not the tasty beverage that was now lost to the world until a prophecy would be fulfilled.

Rise To Prominence[edit]

Eventually, Mr. T had a lovechild with his mistress Marsellus Wallace, who resembles a female canine. They named this child Jules Pitt, and eventually realized that the Time Of Wakefulness was near. Upon reaching the prime of his youth, Jules underwent mitosis repeatedly; 2 times, to be precise. All the Juleses together gradually gained complete expertise in Basketball, Brotherly Love, and Big Kahuna Burgers. And when they purchased a scale model of Earth With Ponies on time-share (narrowly avoiding the salesman's pitch to go for a full purchase), the name of the Harlem Globetrotters came to rise. This Tale Of Bensonish Victory is chronicled in the epic poem Beowulf, also known as "All Hail The First Harlem Shake".

The Harlem Globetrotters went around the world, spreading the Word of the Holy Tasty Beverage and converting people to The Original Faith. They came up against resistance from unexpected sectors: Paul Muad'dib led the fight against them, and banded together with Mr. T and the singing cast of Dune to form the Revolutionary Band of Power Rangers And Sundry Spicy Sandworms. However, the amazing power of Michael Jordan and his Raccoons led to peace (and green peas) between the two warring powers, and bacon cheeseburgers were born on the Fields Of Pelennor.


There are a number of Youtube videos demonstrating the hip-wiggling sex appeal that Prometheus used to seduce Mr. T. These have come under fire from The Global Union Of Baby Boomers for being against the concept of "Make love, not war", as Prometheus and Mr. T together prosecuted war as well as made love. This was a paradox to many baby boomers, who ended up hanging themselves as a result.

Hitler chuckled to see genocide, and was immediately crushed by the Triumvirate Triad formed by Paris Hilton, Godzilla, and Walker (that Delta Force Ranger chap). This led to the Triumvirate Triad being summoned to the International Court Of Justice at The Hague.

The population of The Hague rose up in rebellion to see their favorite TV stars being dealt with in such a cavalier fashion, and sprung all the political prisoners from The Bastille. With joyous prayers rending the very air, they unanimously elected The Pope to lead them to everlasting faith and the Harlem Shake Fountain And Drug Store.

Eventually, the dust settled and everyone realized that the Harlem Shake had but one true flavor: dark chocolate.

Current Status[edit]

Ask Jeeves about it, for only he knows.

However, speculation suggests that The Harlem Shake resides in the back pocket of The Pope, where it finds warmth and at times, a gentle pressure.