Happy Dance
“I respect the fact that you just lost your family in a fire, sir, but pardon me whilst I delight in the Happy Dance”
“It's time to do the happy dance/ the happy dance for cats with no pants/ if you don't like it, you can go to France/ doing the happy dance”
The Happy Dance is widely believed to be a dance performed when someone, more than likely the dancer, is in the emotional state of happiness. It is not to be confused with the Humpty Dance, the Unhappy Dance, or the Mashed Potato.
What Do We Know?[edit]
Little is known about the Happy Dance; in fact, most sources on the Happy Dance have long been lost. Many historians believe there was once a Holy Happy Dance Bible, and no one could be more wrong.
Ancient civilizations such as the Etrusks had been known to do the happy dance - sadly, only second-hand accounts remain of such occasions, though rest assured the proceedings were mirthful indeed.
The Happy dance was a cross-cultural phenomenon, and the ancient Romans were quick to take over the Happy Dance, fastidiously recording every arcane detail of such dances, from how many steps to take to how happy one must actually be to do the happy dance. Most texts about the Happy Dance were destroyed during the fire in Rome, in 69.6 AD, caused by mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirates from Mars.
Is That All? That Seems Excessive[edit]
Additionally, we suspect that when performed correctly, Sauron, Lord of the Dance will appear and grant the performer of the Happy Dance half a wish. That is, he will grant any wish, though do a decidedly half-assed job. For instance, if you wished for a million dollars, you might get a million pesos, which is not really quite the same thing at all.
Famous Happy Dancers[edit]
Famous Happy Dancers include but are not limited to:
- King Henry VIII, who wished for a beautiful wife, but could only get it right after the eighth attempt.
- Pope John Paul 2.0, who wished to be David Beckham. Instead of getting to screw Posh Spice, he merely died.
- George W. Bush, who attempted the Happy Dance. He wished for a brain, and the result attests to the impish nature of Sauron.
- Steve Ballmer, who just wanted to be a monkey.
- Malcom in the middle, Happy dance Happy dance we love to do the happy dance!
How To Do It?[edit]
As we incorrectly stated before, not much remains of the original Holy Happy Dance Bible. From what could be recovered, the following snippets could be translated: "..and thou shalt put thine right foot in.." "..Sauron, Lord of the Dance shall appear to whomever performs the Happy Dance.." "..and he spake unto them: 'Thou shalt not put thine left foot in, else Sauron shall smite thee.." "..thou shalt not perform the Happy Dance clothed or sober.." "..five is right out!"
Happy Dance Tragedies[edit]
Although the happy dance is primarily happy, there have been some instances in which disasters have struck. In 1972, a bunch of happy dancers, known as the "Happy Dangers" started a giant Happy Dance session at a popular music event in Seattle, Washington. In the drug-crazed madness that ensued as a band took to the stage, four small children and an elderly woman were killed.
Other dark days in the history of the Happy Dance include the Russian happy riots of 1734, the Cambodian cocaine-fueled happy massacres in 1987 and the lost children of the Happy Dance (date unknown, possibly urban myth). Despite attempts from some authorities and many peace-loving protest groups, Happy-dancing has been banned in two countries: Lithuania and Brazil.
Though Happy Dancers must perform the Happy Dance drunk, doing the Happy Dance while high or stoned can result in bloody massacres.
The Happy Dance in other countries[edit]
As stated above, the Happy Dance is a cross-cultural phenomenon. It has spread all around the world. Germans call it 'Geiler Tanz', the French refer to it as 'la Danse Joyeuse' and in Dutch it is called 'Den Blijden Dansch.' In some countries, the Happy Dance is performed in a different manner, for example Soviet Russia. In Soviet Russia the Happy Dance dances you! French people like to perform the Happy Dance whilst drunk on wine, whereas the Scottish prefer whiskey with their dancing. Dutch people are accustomed to wearing wooden shoes while dancing, though the resulting splinters are far from happy.
Needless to say, Muslims may not engage in the happy dance on pain of losing their feet.
