Hannibal Buress
“He's a fool, I am greater than him, I am the winner in our battle of the wits. Nothing he does will ever compare to MY genius.”
Funny man Hannibal Buress, sometimes also known as just Hannibal (born 4 February 1983) was an African American comedian, civil rights advocate, politician, athlete, ska musician, and rat enthusiast. Perhaps Buress's most well known role was his time on the drama series "The Eric Andre Show, where he walked on to set and refused to leave for 6 years as a statement against the police's injustice against some guy who got shot or something, yadda yadda yadda, police brutality.
He is currently the only person to hold a shocking 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, making him the most critically acclaimed person in existence.
Early Life[edit]
Hannibal Buress was born in the deep valleys of Arizona to an unknown mother and father, who left him there to fend for himself. He was then found by a pack of wild coyotes and raised as one of their own. He was a child prodigy, reported as speaking his first sentence at the very early age of 4 years old, and was walking by age 7. He was accepted into Harvard University at age 8.
Comedy Career[edit]
Stand Up[edit]
In 1985, Buress began his career as a stand-up comedian and Saturday Night Live, becoming well known for his routine "Taxes, say what?". Well known for his one-liners and sardonic attitudes, Hannibal would often get pelted with eggs during each show due to his catchphrase "please throw eggs at me."
Political Career[edit]
Hannibal Buress is a proud member of the Democrat AND the Republican parties. He was inaugurated as president in 1996, due to him winning a competition in a magazine he was reading at the time, but America was not ready for comedian president, and he was refused entry to the white house.
He cites his main political inspirations as Barack Obama, Ronald Reagan, Martin Luther King and the Bacon Double Martin Luther King XL.
Spiderman: Homecoming[edit]
Buress appeared as mild-mannered Peter Parker in the 2017 biopic "Spiderman: Homecoming" alongside fellow rat enthusiast "Michael Keaton" (Who he later called out on his Tumblr blog for inappropriate rat conduct.). The film was released to widespread critical acclaim and admiration from notable film critic Roger Ebert saying "Hannibal Buress truly captures the heart and soul of Spiderman, something I have definitely tried but I have never succeeded in. Thwip Thwip. 4/4".
Hannibal Buress took home 12 Oscars at the 2018 Academy Awards, of which 7 were his. However, he left one behind on the bus home, this Oscar now resides in the home of fellow comedian Louis C.K.
Feud with Bill Cosby[edit]
In 1987, Buress called out Bill "Not Guilty" Cosby during a stand up routine accusing Bill Cosby]] of allegedly, hypothetically, possibly, being a no good, very bad, very mean, very criminal, crook.
Their feud ended when Bill Cosby challenged Big Man Buress to an intense game of Scrabble. zbut Buress beat him by instead playing Chess, a game designed for smart intellectuals, like him. With no chess pieces, Cosby lost instantly and left to live in isolation
Controversy and Assassination[edit]
After the release of his second breakfast cereal, Hannibal Buress was featured in a Tumblr call out post showing that he, in fact, did not care for the film "The Breakfast Club", and was therefore unfit to be the spokesperson for any kind of early morning meal.
Three weeks after this incident, on December 19th 2019, Buress was shot and killed in the streets of Brooklyn by an unidentified man who "looked sort of like Eddie Van Halen". Hannibal Buress did not respawn.
Biopic[edit]
The black, transgender actress Scarlett Johansson is set to star in the upcoming Buress biopic "Say what?" directed by Michel Gondry. Scheduled for release in July 2020.