Glasgow Caledonian University
| Glasgow Caledonian University | |
|---|---|
 University logo | |
| Motto | Just this and then you'll be done |
| Established | 1875 or 1992 |
| School type | Commercial Trust of Stooges |
| Head | That woman |
| Location | Townhead, Glasgow, Scotland |
| Campus | Glasgow |
| Enrollment | (number of students)*103,419 (number of graduates)*48 (showing the immense popularity of postgraduate education even with those with no Highers) |
| Faculty | 860 |
“Scotland's finest University”
The Ghetto (as it’s known by the friendly inhabitants of Townhead) was officially founded in 1992 has endeavored to cast off its roots and enter the 21st century in style with vast investment in gimmicky staff, reducing funding for supplies like self issue machines in the library and allowing massive allocation for product placement throughout the campus. It also allows inferior universities to outsource their problems on the campus, such as the lack of faculties at Strathclyde or the second rate students from Glasgow University.
The entry requirements are subject to course. Glasgow Caledonian University is at the world's forefront in research, particularly in fields such as psychology and psychoanalysis, as its students have much to offer as test subjects.
The Campus[edit]
The campus as we know it was first designed in the late 1980s by an unknown German design team to be the new location of the Autumn Palace of the Third Reich, but as a result of the protesting residents at what they perceived to be an unethical institution, out of spite the government had the team sell its monstrosity to the university.
The post-modern influenced design includes a fairly large can of baked beans called 'The Satire Centre' (see below), predominantly a facility of bronze-age hovels that have been converted into state-of-the-art teaching rooms; there is a library behind the giant Baked Beans but it's usually packed full of students and unidentifiable lifeforms and is a most terrible place to be.
The refectory is situated in a pebble-dashed Porter Cabin and a Student union with two bars that no one uses; typical Caley students bring their own "buckie" to better their amazing experience at the high-tech utopia throughout the day.
On Campus there is also a gym that once again is used by nearly everybody except the students who either usually too drunk to use it or too fat or too lazy, generally the latter fuels a culture that allows for the former.
Saltire Centre[edit]
A massive amount of money crooned from the obscene product placement throughout the University went toward making an obsolete library with stencils and other useless gimmicks to scare off prospective students. To access the fine new building there's a giant can of Baked Beans with a stairwell fitted. In no way could this construction be viewed as helping the low inroads the University makes in the league tables.
History[edit]
The University was established in 1875 as the Glasgow School of Cookery and to this day remains the leading university for research into tatty scones, deep-fried Mars bars and crystal meth.
The Glasgow School of Cookery merged with Glasgow Polytechnic in 1992 to form the Glasgow Caledonian University we all know and love today.
The aim of the new university was to offer easy-to-understand, straight out of the packet (or pocket), instant education and training to the niche market of students unqualified to attend the University of Glasgow due to its colossal entry requirements (at the time, one higher D). It sought to collaborate with commercial and industrial organisations and other providers of burgers and fries.
Departments and Faculties[edit]
The university had a cryptic system as to the nature of Departments and Faculties; this as of 2005 has been reformed to three easily understandable formats which are:
- Soft Courses: Nursing (vomit mopping), Podiatry (foot feeling)
- Really Soft: Business (soft Economics) Computing (Computer games)
All three Course options are available within the Business School and the Medical schools and other as yet unknown Faculties
Refectory[edit]
“Only slightly better than airplane food, but at least I didn’t get a bout of the shits!”
A most wonderful trough, voted Glasgow's finest Trough, ideal to flee from Neds and see yet more product placement at the University; there are also security guards to see that you don't steal any cutlery; they'll just set aboot ya if you try.
The Cuisine is broad and at GCU Refectory you can expect to enjoy terrible food from around the globe; from the Fish and Chips Slough style to a Curry Brummi style.
Continuing investment will hopefully one day that eating at the university will not mean the difficulties of finding doctors and dentists to repair the damage done to students by the refectory; Product placement in exams has been the deans prescription for the matter, god bless her.
Alumni[edit]
- Jeremy Beadle - Quality Broadcaster
- Henry Miller - Briefly attended evening classes on Domestic Science
- Albert Camus - The Absurd hand that guided him led him there
- Vladimir Putin - Fitness programs welded the Russian Dictator
- Alf from Home and Away
- Jimmy Savile
- Morrissey - BA James Dean Studies went on to become mediocre singer
See also[edit]
- Glasgow
- Scotland
- University
- Gordon Brown - Former Lecturer
- China