|This Article smells funny...|
...and has been awarded a pine-scented air freshener.
Frankford was founded by Frank Ford, Henry Ford's Twin brother. Henry claimed to have invented the car right in his car garage, although it was in fact Frank who invented it. Henry merely beat Frank to the copyright office with Frank's plans, ironically, by driving there. Frank then decided to move into the real estate business. He was very successful in this venture and was soon working with the Government, buying property to be used for public works. On one of Frank's government appointments, he ran into a fledgling group of adventurers. He was intrigued by their claim to know of a location where a vast supply of oil reserves were located. At the time, a barrel of oil only cost 2 cents, but Frank was a very farsighted man.
Frank decided to fund the group with the money he made from his real estate business. The group numbered 8 when they set off (they included the sadly deranged <insert name here>), with Frank remaining in America. 4 months later Frank received a letter from the group, they claimed to have founded a city. Frank was shocked at their discovery, and yet still remained disappointed at the fact that they didn't find oil. In order to appease Frank, the adventurers named their fledgling city after him.
In 1822 a cemetery was built in the middle of Frankford, after a bird was struck by lightning while watching the annual piggyback joust. The cemetery was divided into sections, organized alphabetically by cause of death. To the date of August 17, 2005, there was only two sections; "Lemonade" and "Piggyback jousting". Later, on the 17th of August, a "miscellaneous" section was added.
The Town of Frankford
Frankford contains many buildings, of which the most impressive being the City Hall Igloo (although its size reduces in the summer time, when the temperature rises up to a blistering hot -40 degrees). Aside from the Igloo, the only other building that attracts tourism is the beer store (LCBO). LCBO is an acronym for the lucky ritual performed in Frankford, Lick Can Before Opening. This is believed by many to improve the taste of the great beer of Soviet Canuckistan. For the citizens' entertainment, the city installed a golf course that consists of 2 and a half holes (both par 2, the half hole being a dent in the middle of the swamp). The course has 10 golf carts although 9 of them are out of commission due to jousting matches that took place on the carts. The golfers, holding the largest club possible, drive full tilt (roughly 10% of the speed of smell) toward their opponent, many aiming to hit their golf clubs (Grandpa would get mad if they cracked his 3 Wood). There have been 56 casualties in the last year due to jousting. The corpses have been hung in the main intersection of the town to promote martyrs for the cause of piggyback jousting.
The most entertaining sport in the history of Frankford,next to golf, is the world renowned Piggyback Jousting. This wonderful sport is mostly played outside of the LCBO. It was invented by 4 young men by the names of Wynatt, Taron, Lenny and Bandrew. To compete in this sport you must find a human horse. These crossbreeds were originally made in Frankford, due to the high horse:lonely human population ratio. After bestiality was outlawed, golf carts became an acceptable substitute for human horses.
During a piggyback joust, the human jumps on the back of a human horse, and faces another human, also mounted on a human horse. The humans extend their arms at each other and kick their human horses until they gallop towards the opponent. The first person to fall off their human horse, or die, loses. The same rules apply for the golf cart variant.
90% of all of Frankford's economy consists of profit made by 12-year-old boys with "lemonade" stands, selling their urine in cups to innocent human horse bystanders. The other 10% of the economy is entirely the liquor store. There is the yearly piggyback jousting competition, but the entry is free, so the entirety of the profit is made from untaxed lemonade stands.
There is also a new source of income to Frankford that was invented about 23 minutes ago, CHOCOLATE MEN! Chocolate men are little guys made out of "chocolate"(just as the name suggests). Chocolate men are usually sold as an appetizer at lemonade stands while the owner prepares the drink.
Probably the oldest building in Frankford, the LCBO used to make the most money in Frankford, until the lemonade stands gained popularity. Now it is a place for relaxing, piggyback jousting and buying liquor. The owner of the store goes by Stumpy Johnson, who first originated from northern South America, otherwise known as Mexico. His most popular product is "lemonade" Vodka, specialty of Stumpy Breweries. Stumpy is also the celebrity referee for the yearly piggyback jousting competition (which is actually held once a week, or whenever someone gets bored and yells "PIGGY BACK JOUSTING TIME!!!".
Frankford is also home to the nefarious group of terrorists called the Frankford Falcons. They are usually residing in the local school, but from time to time there seen in a tent near the water tower. Their most famous crime was the melting of the town hall igloo in 1987. No one died in this well-played assault on the town's well-being, everyone was away on summer vacation. In 2007, there was a plot discovered by the CIA (Soviet Branch) for which the Falcons planned to destroy the famed CN tower, located in the central part of the village of York; luckily they were all arrested, paddled and then sent back to Frankford for the good of the public.
The People's Army of Frankford
Formed during the Soviet curfew of 1792, they consisted of all of the Frankfordian males. They were then sent to Canukistan's capital igloo, which they then proceeded to melt it to the ground.