Franco-American War

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Boiardi ~ Renegade General and instigator of the Franco-American War of 1982-2004.


March 13, 1982
  • A military force under the command of General Hector Boiardi (Italy) notifies the White House of its intention to launch an invasion of the mainland United States.
  • US President Ronald Reagan puts the nation on alert and mobilizes all branches of the armed forces to create a defense perimeter and round-the-clock air cover.
  • Italy brands Boiardi a rebel and a traitor and denies any affiliation with him. The Italian government offers its apologies to the US along with its blessing to act with extreme prejudice in killing Boiardi.
  • Photographs are provided to US media.
March 27, 1982
April 1, 1982
  • Dressed completely in white, but still instantly recognizable, Boiardi appears on national TV demanding that US consumers purchase Italian exports. In particular, he recommends his own canned pasta suspended in cheese and tomato sauce.
  • Reagan recalls all US air and ground forces.
April 2, 1982
  • US Inspectors refuse an Italian-registered ship, condemning its cargo as contraband. The cargo in question is clearly labeled with the name and likeness of the Italian rebel leader.
April 5, 1982
  • Boiardi responds with a propaganda campaign to garner public support and create mistrust of the US Government. Broadcasts conclude with the strangely disarming and pleasant ring "Thank Goodness for Chef Boiardi."
Boiardi, shown in Chef attire, from a propaganda broadcast on US television.
April 10, 1982
  • US Media reports that the Italian contraband has inadvertently fallen into public hands due to human error at several US Points of Entry.
April 13, 1982
  • Reports begin to trickle in from US physicians that American citizens exposed to the contraband have developed an addiction to it. Youth are identified as particularly at risk. Major pharmaceutical companies publicly pledge their resources in search of a cure.
April 14, 1982
  • Ralph Miller, computer scientist at MIT, reveals at a White House press conference that America is ready to respond to the threat with a weapon of its own. A new computer operating system, SpaghettiOS, has been deployed to locate the hidden fortress of Boiardi.
April 15, 1982
  • Less than 24 hours after being deployed, SpaghettiOS successfully locates Boiardi.
  • US and Italian forces move in to Boiardi's position, but the hideout is already abandoned.
April 16, 1982
  • In order to capitalize on the positive press generated by the success of SpaghettiOS, military experts propose the creation of a competing spaghetti, cheese and tomato product to meet Boiardi's head on.
April 20, 1982
  • Laboratory analysis of the Boiardi contraband to determine the nature of its addictive properties is inconclusive.
  • A similar product is launched nonetheless, and US military includes its own disarming slogan in the broadcast: "Uh-oh! SpaghettiOs!" NBA Star Oscar Robertson agrees to make the pitch as a personal favour to Reagan.
August, 1989
  • The war rages on without end, leaving many hands and faces stained red in the process.
November 19, 2004
  • The US denies defeat but reports that the search for Boiardi is being called off, as he no longer constitutes a tangible threat to the American people.
  • The competing formula is sold to a US soup manufacturer, but retains the original military title.

See Also[edit]