Family Circus
The Family Circus may very well be the most entertaining of all awful newspaper comic strips[1] to be ever created. It revolves around four ordinary children who make statements that are not exactly what we would expect or hope for, almost as if the universe in which they were created was not perfect. Bil Keane, the comic strip's creator, has been contacted numerous times by government officials asking him to stop writing the comic strip because it was causing uncontrollable laughter among the populace, which caused at least a few hundred thousands of deaths since its beginning, but Mr. Keane flipped them off in an access of vanity after being beaten by Barack Obama for the 2009 Nobel Prize of Peace, having been nominated for his "fervent dedication to comical arts" resulting in a "whole lot of potential murderers falling into coma for extended periods of time."
The name originates from its controversial depiction of American families. Although most of the latter are built on the picture perfect cooperation between a couple living in total harmony and children (preferably two boys and a girl) diligently submitting to their parents' advice and having fun doing their homework, this one represents a more depraved facade of the middle class culture in which children sometimes put certain things in question momentarily, or worse, in which parents present certain slight vulnerabilities that may or may not amount to some form of virtual irony. Hence "Family" which represents good, and "Circus" which represents clowns, who are evil. Needless to say this wouldn't have gone far when the Hays Code was enforced. Because of its spicy takes on highly popular subjects, needless to say that every goddamn person in the universe loves this comic, even people who have never read it, although its widespread distribution in Japan seems to have some mysterious correlation with its population's high suicide rate.
- ↑ It might be relevant to note that this is not a comic strip, as it only has a single panel.
History[edit]
The Family Circus is written by Bil Keane. It was originally called The Family Circle, in reference to the charmingly original border used with each and every strip which kinds of remind us of a rifle scope and makes it easy to read it even when wearing a monocle. However, experts have been known to say that many people have generally accepted that this pun might be considered "lame".[citation needed]
It is unimportant to note that Bil Keane has a sadistic side and that, according to certain sources, his goal in life was actually to invade pop culture with what could only be funny to whoever appreciates what inspires suicidal thoughts, hence his ongoing plan to bore people to death with awful Sunday comics since 1960. One other aspect that noone gives a damn about is that Bil Keane is a God-fearing Catholic, to the point where even Pope Benedict XVI doesn't want to hang out with him as "he is such a push over" (his words). Characters are in fact based on real children that Bil knew, but each of them went their separate way after their coming out. Bil-2, who is Bil's alter-ego and admittedly his inspiration for Billy, stated when interviewed about his character that "What Bil didn't mention is that I used to walk around in a Marilyn Monroe costume all the time. It just felt right."
FACT! Bil Keane is married to Ayn Rand!
Christian themes[edit]
Forgiveness[edit]
Forgiveness is a major theme in Family Circus. For instance, the children have committed at least two or three sins over the course of the strip, but are forgiven by their parents and by God, because they are just so cute! This is a scandalous misinterpretation of the holy scriptures which underlines the profound liberal bias that spreads over and infects our media.
Ghosts[edit]
See "Grandma".
Billy running all over the damn place[edit]
That little brat – BILLY GET THE HELL OVER HERE OR I'LL BEAT YOU LIKE A RED HEADED STEPCHILD! For God's sake, put that kid on a leash.
Abortion[edit]
The obnoxiousness of the four children is actually Bil Keane's way of telling young couples eager to become parents to avoid parenthood by any means necessary.
Characters[edit]
Family Circus has many uninteresting and horrible characters which are cardboard cutouts. The loving deadbeat dad, the responsible alcoholic mom, and the crazy old hag. There is one black child, but Bil has made it quite apparent that nobody in the comic strip actually likes him.
Billy[edit]
Billy has blonde hair. Like most things with blonde hair, his sole purpose is to welcome you as he does wholeheartedly on the Family Circus website. He is also quite skilled in the field of addition, as shown to the left, which is interesting enough to throw your kid out the window when he's about to do his violin cover of Stairway to Heaven so you can resume reading your single-panel comic until you've fully understood the intrigue.
The family usually refers to Billy him by his nickname, "bitch".
Dolly[edit]
An obnoxious fire crotch in a dress. Has allegedly had 4 abortions. Her purpose is to make you ponder on how to properly punch into a newspaper.
Jeffy[edit]
Billy, but with red hair.
PJ[edit]
The baby, and pretty much the best character because he doesn't say anything stupid. The comic would be wonderful if every character was like him.
His name is actually derived from the initials of Paul Jensen, who designed his kaleidoscopic wardrobe.
Parents[edit]
Named Bill and Thelma, they are sometime seen by the cynical as being perhaps loosely and remotely based on Bil Keane and his wife, Thelma. But that is a lie from the government.
Grandma[edit]
Bill's mother. Her real name is Florence, but everyone calls her Grandma. Not only is she an old hag, but a ghost, at that. The spooky kind of ghost that creeps around your house and misplaces your keys and stuff. She creepily watches over her grandchildren with her ghostly binoculars through their bedroom windows at night, as a good Christian ghost would. Jeffy has tried several times to file restraining order on her, but local courts do not have jurisdiction over the undead.
Not Me[edit]
Some kind of little white monster with the words Not Me written on his stomach. Not Me is known to occasionally wreak havoc, such as knocking over lamps or spilling vases full of water and things of the sort. When asked who did it, the children always respond "Not me!" trying to tell their parents about the culprit. Of course, their parents don't understand and the little demon stands by, contemplating the horrible discord he has caused. (Note that the masculine is used to simplify the text although the character most likely has both a venis and a pagina.)
Black Kid[edit]
Similar to Grandma, Black Kid is never mentioned by name due to his inherent lack of a soul, which is ironic because Grandma is just a soul. For the sake of convenience he can be referred to as Daeshawn. Known for his role as the token black guy, famous lines include "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Jeffy?!" and "Dayum gurl, dat ice is NICE!"
Drugs[edit]
The Famiy Circus has been under allegations of child abuse and drug traffic for apparently feeding their children hormone suppressants for the duration of the strip's existence. Bill and Thelma have denied these claims, stating that it is "completely normal for children not to age for 51 years on when they are God-fearing Catholics. The Lord works in mysterious ways." When blood tests revealed the presence of said hormone supressants, Jesus was expectedly blamed.
Parodies[edit]
Some people have naively thought it would be funny to steal Family Circus artwork and replace the caption with the systematical opposite of the original text. However, this is intellectual property theft and should be punished with death penalty and a $2,000 fine as prescribed by Internet law.
ROFLMAO!
If I laugh any harder, I'll rupture my spleen!
It's funny because it's true.
There's also The one Other parody of The Family Circus, The Other Family. (get it?)
You'll find the secret of happiness at their website, unless you do not appreciate the refined taste of recursive humor about child molestation : The Other Family