Evolution of the turtle

A scientifically-renderred diagram of the turtle's evolution

The first thing you may be thinking is "Why do we need an article on the evolutionary history of turtles?" You may also be asking yourself another question, "How is this supposed to be funny?" Well, the answer is quite simple. Turtles are the absolute greatest evolutionary in history. For this reason, and this reason alone, they are funny. Moving on.

Tri-ass-ic Period

Turtles first appeared on the planet about 215 million years ago. At the time, the concept of a powerful, armored tank with a retractable neck was something never before seen on Earth. However, when the time came, the first turtle was a huge disappointment. Approximately five inches long and weighing in at a meager three ounces, the first turtle had no shell and very little neck retraction, making it something like a slow, wrinkled lizard.

The turtle should have died there and then. This cruel, horrible evolutionary experiment was destined to a collision course with natural selection. But it persisted, for reasons unknown. The turtle had survived.

Jurassic Period

Rule the lettuce, rule the world.

The Jurassic Period saw rapid and startling transformations in the turtle's physiology. Turtles, at this time all water-dwelling, began to exhibit the first shell. Another great leap in evolutionary prowess, the retractable neck appeared. Finally.

The turtle's reproductive system also began to change in unexpected ways. They could produce twice as much offsprings, more than your average turtle today could.

Also a new fascination with lettuce was shown. The main staple was lettuce, and lots of it.

With the lettuce trade growing at a rate unbeknownst in over 20 million years, it soon appeared that the turtles would take over the world. With their inpregnable armored backs and retractable necks of doom, the turtles were unstoppable. A new dominant species was about to emerge to reclaim the planet once more. Or so it seemed. Until the dinosaurs came, and ate them and their lettuce.

Cretaceous Period

Records show that early humans often rode around on turtles, though their hard shells made for uncomfortable rides, and very bruised and sore testicles. Also, they enjoy sausage on a stick. The main reason people use to have turtles rides instead of other more comfortable animal rides is because turtles got you to the your Final Destination at a much more leisurely pace! People back then were obviously far less business than today`s people as their was no Internet to waste their time back then!

The Cretaceous Period, safe to say, fucked the whole shit up. Up till this point, turtles were on top. From the depths of the Pacific to the plains of the Serengeti, the turtle could not be destroyed. And unknown to the turtles, new and inevitable evils conspired against them. In one fell swoop, the turtle was obsolete, their once thriving empire began to shrivel into a decadent mass of shattered hope.

And herpes. What triggered this cataclysmic change? What horrendous, cruel twist of fate would bring such a culture of pride and progress to its knees? Two words: domed shells. Yes, the one thing that not so long ago shielded and protected the turtle, now sealed its fate. Here's how it works:

Let's say you have a lizard, and a turtle. Perhaps you do, perhaps you don't. Let's say you do. Now, take your hypothetical lizard and flip it on its top. If your lizard is not dead or retarded, it will most likely get back up. Yay, it survives. Now, take your hypothetical turtle, and flip it over on its top. Do you see? Useless. The turtle has been renderred immobile.

There you have it, proof that the turtle is the absolute most inane, absurd, pointless, ludicrous excuse for a vertebrate this world has ever seen. If you do have a turtle, please perform your duty as God (as far it knows) and destroy it. Now.

Cenozoic Era

Ok, by now, you might be wondering "WTF?" What The Fuck indeed. The turtle should have died back in 230,000,000 BC, so what is going on? Well, somehow, the turtle managed to survive long enough to make up for its physical disadvantage. The smartest turtles apparently became slow and old, thus renderring them totally lame. Other animals do not touch lame animals. Humans do not care about lame animals. Turtles are the lepers of the animal kingdom.

Now able to outbore predators, the turtles survived, and some even evolved to the point where they no longer needed movement of any kind and degraded to a cyclical habit of lettuce-munching, neck-craning, and urination. These are what we call "tortoises". Today these animals are endangered, only a handful of Galapagos tortoises remain in existence. It's a shame, they still walk the earth.

Damn turtles.

Quaternary Period and the Present

OWNED. Where is your God now?!

In present time, some turtles have evolved to be almost human-like in shape, and many have acquired the ability of speech. These turtles usually live on to foster adolescent genetically-enhanced amphibious offspring trained in the ways of martial arts. These turtles are always pubescent in appearance, and have names relating to classical artists.

The common turtle, however, is more suited to munching on lettuce, urinating on itself, and doing nothing. Some turtles have even evolved a sort of suction apparatus similar to an elephant's trunk. It is believed that this fleshy appendage is used to help the turtle breathe underwater. While it does nothing whatsoever.

Mutated Varieties

The elusive Burger Turtle.

Several mutated versions of the turtle have been reported. In particular, the Burger Turtle is recognized as the rarest and most edible of these mutants. It is believed that the Burger Turtle was created in an accident involving a turtle and radioactive waste. The Burger Turtle has been known to form symbiotic relationships with ham, mayo, and other tasteless shit.

Turdels

these are quite different from tortoises and turtles. these type of reptiles live in southern asia and northern antarctica. It's scientific name is ''yomommgenidous :)oaiuj.L it has been know to eat vermin and other carrion. during puberty, it becomes very big and has been knownt to eat and go nom nom on your mom. They have become and invasive species and eat on local villagers.

The Future

It is believed that the turtles of the future will be smarter, faster, able to withstand nuclear blast, as well as most types of water damage....Nah, just fucking with you! In fact, by the year 2120, it is predicted that turtles will become so slow, that they will literally rip the time-space continuum and thrust the Universe into an eternal entropic state, devoid of all life, and reduced to a quantum singularity.

Until then, we can only sit in our little wicker chairs, gaze at our little pet turtles in their little plastic tanks, and ponder: "How the hell has it survived this long?" In the immortal words of Charles Darwin, evolutionary biologist:

“ The turtle will be the end of us all. ”

See Also

• Turtle
• Evolution