Criticism of Uncyclopedia
Uncyclopedia is a website that replaces bathroom stall doodling. It is e-doodling. On the surface the website is just a bunch of unfunny articles. Deep below is a culture of wannabe writers mired in infighting, strategic voting, self aggrandizement, horrifically doctored images, needles in hay stacks and memes that weren't funny the first time. Uncyclopedians write lots of articles making fun of everything, but are the first to get angry, bitchy, and pissy when satired themselves. This article is written for the average human being who has never heard of uncyclopedia, a person who is relatively normal and understands creativity and originalality. For people who spend less than thirty minutes online every day. People who have at least one real life friend. You are either relatively normal ... or an uncyclopedian.
Quality[edit]
There are only 365 articles written each year which aren't painful. We will call these "feature" articles. An article is written by one of three regular writers, it must be nominated by one of those three and subsequently voted for by the three. On top of that, the article should not be voted against by sock puppet users who are one those three other writers trying to sabotage the others (you've been outed 342.234.54.33.243).
Despite this process a page gets featured every day. They are officially "funny" much like Saturday Night Live sketches which seem to be funny because other people find it funny as opposed to ever really being in any way f-f-f-f-funny.
Funny is relative in this case. To ensure that the article gets at least one laugh, the author will talk about penises and assholes, quote the same memes again and again and/or make fun of gay people. The authors obsessions with penises and memes and gayness means that uncyclopedians are unoriginal homosexuals with small penises. This means the writers are always writing about themselves, which is one very truly ironic and funny thing about Uncyclopedia.
If the three of them got together they would compare their small penisis, talk about memes all night and then have a gay threesome, something so gross and unpleasant that not even the sickest writer with his sickest Uncyclopedia article could conjure up.
Images and Citations[edit]
The images on Uncyclopedia are doctored so badly that it is like they want you to know they are doctored. No one has a copy of Photoshop. The images never have a copyright certificate; the site should be open to serious legal problems. But since no one ever reads these articles this is yet to be a problem. In the future when the ecomony decays photogrophers in desperate need of money will blackmail uncyclopedia to pay them big money.
Most other articles are written in about 5 minutes and then trashed or deleted.by other users. The vicious circles of criticism, envy and love between them is an anthropological students dream study and would be studied if anyone had ever heard about Uncyclopedia.
Humour[edit]
Generously speaking, about 0.0001 percent of the articles are not aweful. Of those, a tiny handful are funny enough to forward to friends. No one forwards anything to anyone however because doing so would create confusion as no one has ever heard of the website and thus your friends would think that you spend your time on an insignificant website that's not even funny. No one has ever linked an Uncyclopedia article to their Facebook account making Uncyclopedia the only site on the interweb to not have even one "share".
The articles can be so horrifyingly boring that Wikipedia science articles are far funnier and more worthy of laughing at. For instance Uncyclopedias article on the element Silicon will produce a chuckle once in every 10,000 reads (which occurs daily) as opposed to the popular Uncyclopedia article silicon, an article that has nothing to do with the element silicon, which is read a staggering three times a week and is given a pity laugh once a decade, by its own author, who reads it three times a week.
Uncyclopedia articles are so unfunny that as you read these articles you beg the article to give you even a whimper of a laugh. You force yourself to laugh at the unfunny sweating of the articles that the random use of the words "penis" or "faggot" or memes will have you whispering a distant chuckle or two. Maybe even an article written with just the letters A will help you get through your lonely 15 minute coffee break at work as your cool co-workers spend their time chatting and bragging about their interesting weekends.
Insider Language[edit]
The rare visitor to the site will see only articles and nothing more. They dont realise that behind the scenes is a shadowy and sinister community of people who don't like each other. They communicate by facebook like walls but with a programming code as old as the Atari game system. Their inside language and antics is so mysterious that it is difficult to ascertain if there is any communication going on or if someone is simply asking you to be their friend. For example "Hey ass hole, if you revert one more edit I'm going to ass rape every article you've ever created and block you for 2.049 seconds. You've been warned". It's hard to tell if these are direct threats or some coded form of bonding, generally lonely male bonding. Uncyclopedia is a tree club for lonely male bonding. Ultimately there must be some place online for lonely male bonders to express their homosexuality through satirical articles that no one reads. Uncyclopedia is the place. The obscure overlooked itsy bitsy concer of the internet.
Deleted Content[edit]
About one written word in ten thousand end up lasting more than a week on Uncyclopedia and even fewer full articles.lasts more than a second. The moment a bored passer by tries their hand at creating an article, some uncyclopediaphile up and about at five in the morning will submitted for deletion one internet second after the article is saved. The article is then voted against by all of Uncyclopedias friendly and helpful staff and it is deleted without a trace...as though the passer by didn't even visit the site. If one took all of the words that had been removed from articles and jumbled them around, it would eventually form the complete works by shakespear around five thousand times. Humans seem to be better at generating high literature than poop throwing monkeys.
Collaboration[edit]
The moment you suggest a change to someone else's article, your attempt at collaboration will often result in your account being deleted. If anyone ever adds to a featured article one can expect it to be erased one micro second after its submission. Authors who can die in peace having had their articles featured are so offended by the slightest change to their writing, even spelling corrections, that they employ bots to go to war. Such bots revert any transgression against their article and leave automatic messages such as "don't touch my precious" or "it's not that your contribution is completely despised but you have no fucking right to edit my perfection". Other popular reverts have been labeled "hey man, this is MY article, I wrote it, it was ME who nominated it, it was MY sockpupet accounts that voted for it, and it is NOT you to touch my sweet sweet baby, don't touch her, no no no, my sweeeeeeeet baby", as well as "um, yeah, um, I don't think so, as funny as you may think your contribution is, it just doesn't fit in with my kind of funny, and my kind of funny is a kind of funny with a story, and a sort of scheme that you don't get and your addition loosens up my text rather than tightening it and with what youve written, it's kind of funny I guess, but I just don't see it as a featured article nor do I see you ever writing a single word that will spend more than 5 seconds before its reverted". Lonely male bonding can only be understood by lonely male bonders.
Servers[edit]
Currently Uncyclopedia is hosted by wikia, a sort of meta-club of meta-lonely male bonding. However, before so, no server hosted Uncyclopedia for more than a couple weeks as the lack of interest in the site and amount of data added and immediately deleted made any server go haywire. Wikia has a reputation for being the most friendly and open wiki-based website host and thankfuly never do anything to interfere with the spirit of their wikis. Uncyclopedia does not deserve such kindness. Uncyclopedians thank wikia by sending their staff flowers on valentines day and by passive agressively creating a black hole of animosity and bitterness that sucks many websites around it into the vortex of lonely male bonding.
Centricism[edit]
Uncyclopedia is so Anglo-Saxon biased that people who don't speak English are unable to understand the articles. Even native English speakers who speak exotic and strange dialects are very underepresented there. Canadians for instance make up a large quantity of writers and yet despite the fact that nothing ever happens in Canada...there are almost no articles on the country. Even though Australian´s produced the worlds funniest comedian no one in the country has ever heard of the name uncyclopedia.
Many foreigners are learning English at a steady pace and it is sure that in the future their contributions will certainly one day be very unwelcome.
Articles from other language versions of Uncyclopedia are never translated into English as not a single uncyclopedian can speak anything other than English. Learning to count to 5 in any other language takes a lot of time you see. And yet...even having spoken English their whole lives, not a single Uncyclopedian can write a single sentence without spelling mystakes, confusing grammar and an incredible amount of content based on making fun of gay people.
Optimism[edit]
Rare needles in the unfunny haystack...search for a few months and you will find a couple articles worth reading while you are on the toilet. The optimism is that one day these lonely men will make non e-friends and let uncyclopedia sink deeply into its obscurity and other side of the railroad track. Until then, its best to pretend you never stumbled upon the website in the first place and go out and do something constructive to make up for the wasted time of visiting this site. You may never ever be able to get those precious minutes of your life back, but you can at least recouperate that time by reading a really funny book or playing your favorite video game or collaborating with writers who won't delete every single word you contribute.
