Colored People's Time
Colored People's Time (CPT) is the official time zone of African Americans. Colored People's Time was invented by black people in Detroit, who felt lazy and just didn't give a damn about showing up on time anymore. Colored People's Time was successful, and gave them more time to do stuff like blasting music from their apartment and eating fried chicken. It is currently followed by millions of colored people, and their wannabes, whether they intend to or not. Even though it isn't officially recognized by the United States government, millions of black people have been petitioning for it to be, claiming the government's ignorance of Colored People's Time is racist.
Using Colored People's Time[edit]
In Colored People's Time, it's impossible to show up late for anything. Instead of time controlling what you do, you control what time do. Think of it as the difference between having your wife fix you whatever she feels like for dinner and going to a restaurant.
For example, let's pretend your boss schedules a meeting for 9:00 in the morning, but you feel like sleeping in for four hours. No prob! Now the meeting is at 2:18 in the afternoon, giving you enough time to play a pick up game of basketball and shizzle a nizzle. Now, let's pretend one of your friends asked you to attend a funeral for one of their family members, and the funeral started at 7:00 at night. Screw that! Besides, you're only going there for the food. No one will mind if you come at 8:13; besides, everyone will forgive you when you say you're on CP Time. In CP Time, it isn't your fault if you're late; it's everyone else's fault for thinking you are late.
CP Time not only lets blacks have more time to play Madden, it also helps African Americans reach amazing top speeds while sprinting. CP Time not only lets African Americans slow down time for their advantage, it lets people like Reggie Bush speed up themselves to make it look like everyone else is on CP Time. Michael Jordan used Colored People's Time, combined with his Air Jordans, to perform spectacular dunks, and to have a little more time to judge his shots. Barry Bonds used CP Time, combined with steroids, to get acute reflexes and heat seeking abilities. This gave himself an equivalent of 100 seconds in normal time to decide whether to swing at the ball or not. Allen Iverson uses CP Time to get down the court faster than everyone else, and have an excuse for why he hogs the ball so much.
Telling if someone is on CP Time[edit]
It is easy to tell if someone is on CP Time. People on CP Time always insist they are on time, even when they are clearly late. They also make no big deal about arriving to parties an hour later than everyone else, and instead wonder why everybody is an hour early. People in CP Time move noticeably slower than their white counterparts, and seem to walk in supa slow motion. While a normal person takes five minutes to walk a city block, someone on CP Time takes an average of five hours. People in CP Time not only walk slower, they also think slower. They have a difficult time focusing on challenging tasks, such as chewing gum and walking at the same time. People on CP Time are even more impaired than drunk/elderly people.
When meeting a white dude who doesn't care[edit]
This is a situation that happens a lot, and is unavoidable if you're boss isn't a colored person also. For some reason, white people just don't understand why black people aren't constantly running all over the place, like they're catching a bus or something. There are several things you could do in this situation:
- Give them a long, boring lecture about the history of black people.
- Tell them that Egyptians are really black, and watch their faces get red in denial.
- Tell them white people didn't invent everything on Earth, and that they didn't invent time either.
- Tell them black people invented the elevator, democracy, and agriculture, and that God must be black if he created black people before white people.
- While no one's looking, sneak around and set all the clocks in the building to CP Time.
- Engage in an all-out, profanity-filled shouting match. This isn't recommended unless you know you'll never see that person again.
