HowTo:Be late for everything
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Do you wish you were late for everything? Do you wish to be the pain in the butt of everybody? Then we have the answer for you! Multiple ways to be late for everything from your wedding to your bill payments.
The "Everything Else" Method[edit]
The general rule of thumb is to do everything that is not related to whatever your supposed to do.
For example, if you're supposed to meet your friends (if you have any of course you whiny little internet geek) at 3pm.
At 2pm, start playing Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim. Remember to turn off any contact with the outside world. You'll realise the importance of this later. Finish the entire game. Replay it and try different quests. Be sure to complete everything in order to see a secret FMV of Kate Moss's tits. Yes, their in there...somewhere. Or was that Final Fantasy MCXIII? Wait. I think you have to complete every single version of FF. And finish playing KH2 32 times. Yeah. Thats it.
After that, go read up Distraction on Uncyclopedia. It takes your mind of whatever your supposed to do.
Finally, 3 months late, go find your friends. If they aren't there, call them up and scold them to Hell. If they try to deny anything, they are just blaming somebody else. Take no notice. These people do not deserve to be your friends anyway. Being an internet geek, you can find better friends. However, they tend to not respond to you and are named things like Cookie Carrera and Silver Jamie.
The "Keith" or "KIV" Method[edit]
Another method to be late is to not do it. Simple enough? Noooo...it's way harder than you think it is.
There are certain people who are in cahoots with the Devil to make you early or punctual. These are the worst kind of people you can find. They have no thought for other people's, feelings (ie. yours).
You have to be strong! Strong enough to overcome the peer pressure that these...irresponsible people will give you. Don't give in to their whinings.
"Be early for once...please?"
"Be responsible. Don't make everyone wait because of you"
Sloth Method[edit]
For the...mentally slow, we have the sloth method. Okay little kids, imagine you're a sloth. A very slow sloth. Veeery slow. It takes you 5 mins to move 5 meters. That's right. Be the sloth. Be one with the sloth. You are a sloth.
Obviously, if you're a bright fellow, you should just slow down. If people ask, say "I'm taking it easy to live longer." If you're good, you might even convert some. Yeah! That's the spirit!
The Isaksen Method[edit]
Just lay down to sleep when you know people are waiting for you. Remember to turn off your phone so they cannot reach you. When you finally show up, pretend like you have had a hard day and needed the sleep.
The Time Zone Method[edit]
Promise to meet someone at a time zone that is early (Eastern, for example) and show up at the same time, only at a time zone that is later (Pacific). Works every time!
Things to do[edit]
Here's a list of things you could do to be late.
- Play an RPG
- Read and edit Uncyclopedia articles
- Read the Da Vinci Code
- View the entire collection of porn you have on your hard drive
- House keeping
- Kick a nearby policeman in the gonads.
- Start a Flame war
- Learn a foreign language
- Watch 14 seasons of The Simpsons
- Sing Karma Chameleon backwards on your head in leather chaps
- Invent the wheel using a stick and a cat. And another stick.
- Tie a towel around your neck, and jump off a big building.
- Call 911 911 times.
- Learn Surgery
- Wait for last Christmas to come.
- Try to lick your elbow. Twice.
For the hopeless early-bird[edit]
There's hope now! Take a new miracle drug that will make you "late" forever!
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