Crushing the Hell out of it
“A little Crushing the Hell out of it is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.”
Despite its negative stigma, and a complete lack of mainstream media and cultural attention, Crushing the Hell out of it, or as the French would say, Le Crushing the Hell out of it, remains one of the most flexible and controversial recreational activities to ever come into widespread use during the past two millennia.
- Crushing the Hell out of it is defined as the physical contact against an object, the purpose being to simultaneously crush the object and forcibly cause Hell to exit said object.
- The definition according to modern metaphysics cannot be formulated using conventional science and/or mathematics, as they are far too biblically advanced even for scientists, and as such cannot be explained to the average person. Many metaphysicists have tried to explain the logic behind their formulas, but all such attempts have resulted in theological essays of varying length, mostly comprised of complete gibberish. However, these metaphysicists assure us that if their logic and hypotheses are ever to be decoded, they will remain un-disprovable.
- A modern, industrial refining process used to separate the chemical called nitrus oxide from a type of mineral called frignite, located under lake beds where normally only God and pixies can find it.
Lack of Exposure
The history behind the process of Crushing the Hell out of it has, unfortunately, been kept from the public for thousands of years. Even in today's increasingly politically-incorrect society, it has been left out of many important subjects and disciplines, such as,
- Kung Fu, Ninjitsu, and other such awesome arts
- but not Aikido, which involves no crushing of any sort
- the dropping of large-size objects onto disproportionately-sized people
Recently, archaeologists have uncovered what is believed to be the first written record of someone executing a Crushing the Hell out of it, and for some unexplained reason (likely due to the presence of a Somebody Else's Problem field), has not yet been censored or destroyed by the Powers That Be.
A recent archaeological expedition uncovered the first recorded execution of the Crushing the Hell out of it process, which was documented by Pope John Paul II (no relation) in a small stable just outside of Rome, in late 26 A.D. An excerpt from the document reads:
I fear the evil. An inferior child age was generated to a stable terrivelmente dirty, and seemed that, I to não. Conhecer not, but me sensible presence Satan.
and continues on in a string of nonsense of what can only be considered a product of poor translation, or possibly demonic possession. Through laborious de-translations of the text, we have discovered that Crushing the Hell out of it originated here as an occult form of exorcism, which was extensively practiced until the advent of the Constantine exorcism (also known as the Keanu Reeves exorcism) in 2005.
Before performing a Crushing the Hell out of it, a priest (or in this case, a Pope) would first have to actually relocate to the home of the possessed to set up. The priest would be required to stay for a period of roughly three or more days to complete the exorcism, but he would often cut his visit short if the head of household would not cook him dinner. On occasion, priests were known to overlook a lack of daily meals in exchange for acts of fellatio (among other sexual favors), to be administered at least twice daily.
Upon arriving at said household, the priest would begin to set up for the Crushing the Hell out of it process. This usually involved only four sequential steps.
- The priest ties the victim down to any available bed to keep him/her from escaping during the Crushing process. Kinky sex optional.
- The bed is then moved underneath an elevated platform (such as a cliff, barn rooftop or catwalk).
- The priest then relocates to the top of the platform, carrying with him a large, dense object (such as a rock or ACME Anvil).
- The priest then releases said object, first with the left hand, then with the right. Sometimes he would reverse the order to make things more exciting, and other times he would release with both hands simultaneously. Priests were warned against never releasing the object, as this usually resulted in severe cases of both carpal tunnel syndrome and Sudden Instant Down Syndrome (or SIDS (to be confused with AIDS)).
Contemporary acts of exorcism call for the dual power of an old priest and a young priest. The elder priest would use his wisdom to choose an object of sufficient size, girth, and "holitude", and the young priest would then heft the object to the elevated point of release. This method was found to be more effective than old priests returning with crushed toes and hernias (both not covered by the Vatican's HMO).
The amount of time this stage took was dependent on a number of factors, including wind speed, object density and surface area, the height at which the object was dropped, the angle of impact, and the number of times the priest prayed to Jesus (or, alternately, Robo Jesus) for good luck. Regardless of these factors, the results of the Exorcism were very consistent.
Once the object made contact with the possessed, it almost always resulted in his or her instantaneous death. If the subject did not die immediately, the priest could either repeat the Pre-Exorcism stage, or splash Holy Water on him or her and yell, "The power of Christ compels you!", ad infinitum.
Additionally, if everything went right, the victim's personal Hell would have been successfully excised from his or her body, spontaneously creating a Demon of varying strength, size, and hunger. The priest would again pray to either Jesus or Robo Jesus, usually to little or no effect. Upon the non-event of any effect whatsoever, the demon would then proceed to eat the souls, and sometimes genitals, of the priest, victim, and victim's family.
As the previous stage invariably resulted in the death of all those involved, the mention of this stage is simply an act of redundancy.