Grimsby
“It might never be Dull in Hull, but it's always Grim in Grimsby.”
Grimsby is an established sea port on the coast of North East Linconshite, England. Rumour has it that the town was founded by the Grim Reaper in the early 9th century, reportedly accustomed as a place where crime was encouraged and rewarded. To this day, the town has pretty much the same customs. With a population of 223 people, Grimsby is generally regarded as one of the most populated places in the region, and even the country. In the 2008 census, it was ranked as the 56th most populated town in England.
Grimsby is also linked with its very unfortunate neighboring village, Cleethorpes. This linking caused the government to establish Cleethorpes as a part of Grimsby, increasing the population in 2004 from 223 to 281. This enhanced Grimsby's position as one the most populated towns in the country.
History[edit]
In the year 945 A.D., Death (or the Grim Reaper) was leaving an old shack in the Lincolnshire marshes after killing an elderly couple. Whilst wading through the festering swamps, he noted an area of higher land. Upon climbing it he discovered the area was reasonably flat and saw an opportunity for building a town. Over the next 50 years, Death did this, and made the town we all know and
hate love as Grimsby. Being a modest chap, he named it after himself. Unfortunately, within the first few years of establishing his putative town, no people moved there due to their apprehension towards the Grim Reaper leading a town. Eventually, however, people settled there when he put adverts in the local newspaper claiming that there would be no rules under his authority. By the 11th century, the town's population had risen to 210,547 people, all of them fathered by the Grim Reaper.
Vikings and Chavs[edit]
In the late 11th century, England was thrown into chaos when the Vikings and Chavs invaded. Due to Grimsby's position on the coast, it was noticed immediately by the sailors on the longboats and targeted for attack. The Vikings and Chavs landed on the shore, marched straight into the marshy town and talked to Death face-to-face.
Death, startled and frightened by the mysterious invaders, fled the town and went into hiding. Vikings then took over Grimsby, leaving Grimsby to be a complete shit hole, and smelling of fish (apart from when the petro-chemical plant explodes).
In the late 970s, porn stars arrived in the town. These Nordic sexual conquestians spread their love like wildfire and left with new diseases to take back to their homeland. The local women, being easier than a This Morning competition question, abandoned the consequential offspring of their invasion. And so, with great ease and little education, the Chav population began to take hold.
Middle Ages[edit]
Eventually the Vikings were driven out of England, and hence they were also driven out of Grimsby. The country began to stabilize and this offered a chance for Grimsby to expand. So far, its entire population of 200,000 people were living in an incredibly small area, forced into poverty. Despite the fact no one paid for anything and the fact that there was no rules, people were starting to wish there was.
In 1569 salvation came. A small group of residents established a dock on the coast and began a small fishing company. By selling the fish they caught they made enough money to buy better materials and land, and therefore saved the town. In just 20 years Grimsby soon became the largest town in the county, and poverty was extinguished. The town learned a vital lesson for the future: Easy money can be made on the docks. The men of the town soon gave up fishing and moved into the more lucrative trade of drug smuggling. The women of the town were also happy to make money of their own on the docks, although their trade in crabs was of a different sort of crab to their husbands'.
Wartime Grimsby[edit]
The town continued to grow and expand after the establishment of the fishing industry, and became infamous famous for its completely different customs compared to the rest of England. A striking example of a quaint Grimsby custom is for its fatter female residents to favour the skimpiest clothes. After Grimsby's many centuries of poverty, a woman's display of overly-fleshy thighs and torso is still regarded as a sign of wealth and fertility, where merely relying on cheap frozen-ready meals and a double order of crisps is not.
In 1917, Russia went through a revolution and became communist. With a culture strikingly similar to that of Russia, Grimsby was officially declared communist by its town council in 1931 and shortly after joined the Soviet Union. This seriously hampered the town's popularity throughout the rest of England, although it increased the popularity of the town's many whores with Soviet sailors and increased the town's prosperity by a staggering amount. One famous prostitute of Grimsby renown, the legendary 'Vinegar Tits Betsy' singlehandedly increased the town's tax revenues by 148% in one year. To this day, Betsy remains a role model to legions of Grimbsy's teenage girls. In 1932 the British government created an 18-mile perimeter 'no-go zone' centred on Grimsby's town centre to cut off the town from the rest of England. England shrugged its shoulders and went on not visiting and generally ignoring Grimsby as it always had, much to native Grimbarians' fury.
In World War 2, Grimsby came under great threat of being bombed by the Nazis. Luckily, Luftwaffe pilots looked at Grimsby, mistakenly concluded, "we already got that one," and flew away. The few buildings left standing were razed by the town council in the 1960s, and the town was modeled on Soviet principles, with new suburbs serving as the analogue of the "gulag." Nunsthorpe was particularly noteworthy as the home of notorious Soviet dissident Alexander Solzhenitsyn.
After the war, the cold war began. Grimsby was the only part of the USSR located in Britain, which chilled relations with the rest of the country. In 1962, the Russians started secretly building nuclear silos in the town. The construction was discovered by the American spy satellite in geostationary orbit over Grimsby, and Britain was informed at once. Britain threatened to fine Russia £100, as Russia had never gotten Planning Permission for secret construction of nuclear missile silos in a business district. Russia ignored this ultimatum and continued to ship nuclear weapons to Grimsby. When John F. Kennedy threatened to intervene, Russia backed down. This event is known as the "Grimsby Missile Crisis." It was Grimsby's first case of adversaries coming "eyeball-to-eyeball" not involving the large population of nightwalkers.
Modern times: Reorganisations[edit]
In 1974, Grimsby was removed from Lincolnshite and absorbed into the new county of Humbleshite. After the abolition of Humbleshite a few hours later — Rationale: "Just Kidding" — the town returned to Lincolnshite. It is now the administrative centre of North East Lincolnshite. Every few years, a county task force studies having Lincolnshite itself disappear for the sake of making Grimsby wind up somewhere else. The county could reconstitute with every town except Grimsby, like a garage rock band trying to ditch a problematic drummer, but no such decisions have been taken.
In 1995 the fishing stocks dwindled and Grimsby could not afford products from elsewhere in England. Fearing a return into poverty and chanting, "Viz and Coca-Cola," the people of Grimsby threw off their Communist leaders. In 2000, Grimsby established a town council, which began to adopt the traditions of other towns in the country, but had difficulty doing so because the residents had grown used to the no-rules-and-no-currency idea.
Points of interest[edit]
Grimsby has numerous landmarks for the tourist. However, any sign that begins 'Welcome to' is instead a stage set for Cops with Cameras.
- The Nunny — England's home for the study of misspelled graffiti, including the classic 'welcome to the brox.' The Nunny should be avoided during Father's Day, as this is a very confusing time for most residents.
- The Dock Tower — Also known as 'Gandalf's Tower,' this landmark was built primarily out of jealousy because of Saruman's beautiful residence in Isengard.
- Freeman Street Market — The source of the Black Death in the UK. The Freeman Clan drive their sheep up this street, mainly because their cars were stolen. This is also the current black market for selling Russian nuclear weapons that were left since the American intervention.
- Freshney Place Shopping Centre — The original stage of Dawn of The Dead (both the original and remake). No acting is required of local residents.
- Grimsby Docks — Britain's version of Area 51.
- That shitty bar on the waterfont — The one like that one in The Perfect Storm but without George Clooney in it, where Grimsby's single salty sea-dog who is still making a profit from fishing tells lots of salty sea tales whilst eating salty crisps. Nobody really believes any of his tales about doing battle with giant robotic squid people and the one where he discovered a new land, which later turned out to be Norway. This is because he has a crippling addiction to Ribena, mixed with meths and a healthy dose of Tesco store-brand whiskey.
Education[edit]
Unlike the UK, attendance at school is not compulsory and is in fact discouraged. Pupils who attend school are routinely pictured and ridiculed in the local newspaper, the Grimsby Evening Turd. This is done to ensure that Grimsby schools always come bottom in the national league tables for exam results as a wooden spoon is an award of a kind thus allowing the local authority to claim they have award-winning schools.
Curriculum[edit]
Considering crime is the only job which requires an education in Grimsby, it is the only thing taught to children at school. The basic curriculum for Grimsby's school looks something like this:
Petty Crime School: At the age of 16 all children are forced by law to go to Petty Crime School, where they learn the basics of crime. At the age of 20, after 4 years, students leave Petty Crime School, and then have to go to Organized Crime School.
Organized Crime School: At Organized Crime School students learn how to plan crimes and edge onto advanced level felonies. After another 4 years, students leave Organized Crime School, and then have the choice of getting a job or going onto Advanced Crime College
Advanced Crime College: Students who do well enough at Organized Crime School often go to Advanced Crime School, where they are taught the fundamentals of crime and learn how to lead crime organizations.
Petty Crime School[edit]
During the four year course, students learn how to mug people, rob the local store, pickpocket, backhand people, shoot air rifles, and get away from the police on foot.
Organized Crime School[edit]
When students go to Organized Crime School they learn the basics of been a part time criminal. Whilst there, they learn how to pick pockets at an advanced level, rob banks, fire pistols, set explosives, and execute executions. The vital skills learned provide students with jobs such as associates to the local gangs in Grimsby. Although without passing the written exam which follows the lessons students cannot get jobs any higher than associates. Most crime organizations in Grimsby require that workers completed there crime test paper with a level from A-C to reach at least the rank of soldier.
Advanced Crime College/ Grimsby (Mental) Institute[edit]
If students do well enough in Organized Crime School, they have the option to go to Advanced Crime College. Here students learn the skills needed to become important members of gangs, perhaps even bosses. The college requires that students passed there crime test in Organized Crime School before they let them in.
Sport[edit]
Grimsby's most famous sport is pit fighting, which involves two people thrown into a pit and forced to kill each other. Grimsby is the only place in the world where the sport is played and watched.
Grimsby residents also enjoy football. Grimsby Town F.C currently play in the Coca Cola Football League Two (the Secondaryship). The team has come close to been promoted several times in the past ten years, until the fans woke up and realised they were dreaming. The team hopes to acquire a positive number of points for the decade, depending on the outcome of next weekend's fixture.
We Piss on Your Fish[edit]
It is customary for everybody in the town to piss on fish due to go to other areas as it leaves the docks, particularly fish destined for Yorkshire and Scunthorpe. The silly cunts who lent their name to the latter just assume the shipment has been salted for preservation. This local maritime affectation is the reason that some Grimbarians are known as codheads — especially football fans out on the piss. Unlike their cousins from the States (the "cheese-heads"), codheads do not actually wear cod heads to the matches. This is because of the smell problem, which would only get worse if other Grimbarians were in the stands.
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This article was mentioned in the Grimsby Telegraph, further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. |