Big Bucks theory
The Big Bucks theory developed from observations and theoretical models of Capitalism. Theoretically, it was determined that everyone's self worth must come from what they own. That is their possessions must define a person and not who they are. This was reflected in the observation of advertising and marketing agencies who after hearing about this great new idea quickly spiraled into fanatic orgasms of mass brain washing with cash running out from their very pores. While their souls imploded faster than the speed of light and the people were converted, the Big Bucks phenomenon occurred: Humanity exploded showering empty souls with money. But the money was on fire and everybody wanted it even though they got burned!!
The Big Bucks theory was first observed in the early eighties, it was noticed that most people were receding from humanity at the speed of light and massive conglomerates of money were forming. Those who made the observations were so jealous due to their own lack of possessions that they failed to see the overall implications of the Big Bucks theory.
In the beginning, after the Big Bucks Asplosion, money formed around empty souls giving them worth and definition, it also provided shoulder pads for those (in the Eighties) that needed to be empowered. The Big Bucks Asplosion made many people happy, and those it didn't bitterly proclaimed "Money doesn't buy happiness", but they were probably hippies.
Big Bucks no longer means class
Rich people used to have class, like Madonna, but now that money is freely available to anyone who is willing to sell their soul (for money or shares in Evil). This has recently been proved by number one researchers in the field: Paris Hilton and Justin Timberlake of The Fashion Industry. They did some ground breaking research into 80s fashion, and it was found where ever there was money there were shoulder pads and big glasses. This example is believed to generalize to the theory that money doesn't buy class. Paris risked her life and today is still scared with big glasses, or what is called in The Industry as a 'Bug head'.
Paris first expressed their discovery as "nice shoes" and Justin was just too sensitive to even articulate it - If he cried he would be buried under a sea of teenage girl's bodies who have never seen a man (other than their baby brother) cry.
Later on this discovery lead to:
which soon was generalized to:
However despite this ground breaking research, there are a two main criticisms of the theory. They argue:
The first argument is based on inbreeding within the royal family. Specifically it draws on evidence of Prince Charles having sex with his father, the family horse to produce William. Technically William's grandfather Sir Horse, is also his father, making Princess Anne his Aunty and step sister. Confusing and not classy.
The second argument argues that rich people still have class, like Symbol (Formerly known as Prince), Prince (Michael Jackson's son) and Prince Charming. They are all totally rich as bro, but oh so classy.
The Truth Event Horizon and Big Bucks
This theory is the pinnacle of capitalist society. It declares when money accumulates past a critical amount a singularity occurs from which no truth can escape. Usually truth can be projected a certain distance from a person, however when a singularity occurs there is such a thing as a Truth Event Horizon.
A Truth Event Horizon, otherwise known as a Large Impending Area of Rejection about everything true (shortened to LIAR about everything) describes the distance you must approach someone before all of your truths are sucked in and never escape. In real life this occurs in Law firms, thus the acronym LIAR slowly morphed into the word 'lawyer' to describe the phenomenon. Lawyers are an embodiment of a truth event horizon. First of all they have no souls which is caused by being showered in money until a singularity is formed. Due to the singularity there is now a truth event horizon where no truth can escape.
Some theorists argue that money can escape from a truth event horizon, though the general consensus is that money continues to accumulate in empty souls causing the truth event horizon to contract further until the individual denies their very own existence and die.
Before someone dies due to their truth event horizon contracting the following symptoms are known to occur.
- They hire lawyers
- They start a law degree
- They become lobbyists
- They join a political party and suck blood
- They scream "CALIMA" and clutch at your beating heart.
Famous entities and people who have well publicised Truth Event Horizons include:
- James Hardy
- Pamela Anderson's Boobs
- Cigarette companies
- The Daily Telegraph (A famous brand of toilet paper in Australia)
- Madonna's teeth (she had a gap baby!)
And The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth...
Thanks to Big Bucks there are now more lawyers than ever! And they need money and hence work to fill the holes in their compromised souls... oh and "work" so they can stay at the office late and do their secretary and not think of their chain smoking wife who they bought to match their Saab.
Anyway thanks to all these lawyers there are so many law suits now-a-days. Like the lady who spilled boiling coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds because no one said the coffee was going to be hot. Or what about the guy who was still drunk from the night before, dived into a sandbar and successfully sued Bondi Beach Council because no one told him that sand moves and beaches change. Yes thanks to these half-witted creatures who's brain power only slightly out-performs a single-cell organism in game of snap, the meek shall inherit the Earth.
More and more lawyers are winning cases for people who should be sterilized because of their stupidity. Instead they are rewarded, not with a life-time supply of contraceptions... or sterilization... or castration... but with money. That's right, money. Their lawyers of course receive more, because how hard can it be to rip-off someone who doesn't know what fricken coffee is? This leads us to a new area of study: The Big Butt-Head theory. This theory is similar to the Big Bucks Theory, however it is to do with the accumulation of butt-heads in the world until the world explodes in a mass of law suits. Additionally it outlines the accumulation of money in regions absent in brain activity.
So, as money accumulates and lawyers accumulate, the stupid will be defended successfully in the courts reaping millions in compensation (after lawyer's bill that's $10.50). Slowly every decent person will wink out of existence due to being overly sued (probably for breathing) leaving only those of meek brain activity... and the world will end in a mass of coffee spilling, sandbar diving and other activities engaged by those who deny their own idiocy and try to blame others.
Features, Issues and Problems
There are many problems with the Big Bucks theory, but try telling that to the theorists. Apparently "it sux" just isn't good enough (we already tried "the dog ate the theory" and that didn't work either... bummer). It seems we can not be rid of the major, major flaws in the Big Bucks Theory, like Mariah Carey. Yes. Mariah. Carey. She is a controversial anomaly that no one can explain. Some theorists claim when the truth event horizon contracts around an individual, one unit of ego (known as a "Mariah Carey") is released. However this theory predicts the release of an Elvis particle, again some theorists claim they exists but experiments have not be able to reproduce an Elvis and a Mariah in the labs when working with contracting truth event horizons. It seems the tabloid scientific journals have been the only ones to produce this so far, the most noteworthy experiment being reported in the Woman's Scientific New Weekly.
Another problem is lawyers. Fortunately their truth event horizon contracts around them until they deny their own existence and die (thankyou Big Bucks!). The downside is they actually breed more because of the Big Bucks Theory, so much money... mooooney. Mostly they spend all their time in law firms so we don't see them much.
An interesting feature of the Big Bucks Theory is how things form around a truth event horizon. For example if you place two lawyers together until their truth event horizons are overlapping you will create a truth. Guess your mum was wrong: two wrongs do make a right! Anyway this truth isn't like a good truth, it's a slimy lawyer truth that contains a lot of commas or is as vague as possible. This is known as a "law". The law is the curse of all lawyers and they spend their lives trying to dodge these bits of law.
Though they say religion and science shouldn't mix (and they are watching you and the evil alien inside your brain... take the personality test and it will save your wallet) - they do. Many religions have sprung up out of nowhere. This is NOT because someone came up with the great idea that people need more than possessions, but something that is new and great in an already flooded consumer market, something that can be revamped to be cool and that most brands leave alone: religion. No no no, it is not that, these new crazy... ahem I mean crazy like "good crazy"... religions were someone's idea, they were God's idea... they are miracles to save your empty soul from it's dissatisfied life!
These great new fantastic religions are known as Scientology or Hillsong. These wonderful people will make you feel so much better about being rich. Next time you see a starving African on TV, don't feel guilty for being rich, feel empowered because God made YOU rich because he loves you and that starving black kid is going to hell. Rich = Heaven.
This all began when some souls became too heavy and burdened with money. People with this problem began to experience the resentment of others and could never seem to escape, no matter how fast they drove their Lamborghini away from their jealous stares. They could never find satisfaction and while they slaved away, their dollars only served to drag them down. Naturally, it sux to have to give up the life of a rich man, wander the wilderness and find satisfaction in a new set of dreds and eating tofu. And so along came these new religions, the 'happy meal' of the soul. Rich people flooded to these places to have those evil 'dollars' liberated from their souls - but of course not too many dollars. It was so easy, all they had to do was turn up once a week for a quick fix high that focused on the unending love of the zombie jesus. And if that didn't work they had chuck norris, or mind reading classes during the week. It all worked out well. Additionally it has been proven that going to 'happy meal' religious classes can slow down the contraction of the truth event horizon around an individual. Which means richer, longer, happier lives for everyone! Yay!
Thanks to these great inventions (by God, not people) the world is a better place and equality is established between the rich and the poor in terms of life expectancy and guilt levels. Tackling the resentment of the 'have nots' of the world is a bit more difficult, but thanks to conventional religions the 'have nots' can feel better about their status. We all know that line "it would be easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than it would be for him to pass through the gates of heaven." Now that you proles have been comforted by your own moral superiority GET BACK TO WORK! What are you lookin' at? Go to Hell.
For Traditional Religions
Thanks to the rising popularity of reigions that make us all feel good, traditional reigions aren't doing so well, they clearly have a crap marketing strategy. In fact the Catholics have stopped breeding thanks to the evils of birth control and now there are less people to pay the pope. Politics and traditional reigions have come up with a great plan to attract everyone's attentions: The war on Terror. It is also known as the war on Muslims.
Thanks to dropping numbers in traditional religions the Big Bucks Theory has indirectly contributed to the war on terror.
By making everyone afraid of everyone else folk will gravitate toward religion in these uncertain times to have their fears assured. Christian Academics are claiming it's the best thing next to a fear of death and has increased enrollments ten-fold.
The war on terror is not just a religious one, we all know kids hate the news and would rather watch something else, so in order to assure their attendance in church the war on terror has extended to fight common terrors such as:
- The boogy man
- Shopping center Santas
- The toilet flush
- People who pinch the cheeks of children.
And for adolescence the war on terror encompasses:
- The war on erections at inopportune moments
- The war on pimples
- The war on the war on drugs
- The war on bra-strap snapping