Bagpipes
“What's the difference between a bagpipe and a chainsaw? You can tune a chainsaw.”
Bagpipes were created in 1632, which was a pretty crappy year to begin with. Cavemen and dinosaurs still ruled the Earth, which was still one massive super-continent. One caveman, whose name is lost to history, tripped over a diseased howler monkey. The howler monkey seemed to have been smashed and mostly hollowed out, save the vital organs. It then had about fifty hollow sticks thrust into its skin. The caveman picked up the wheezing mess and brought it home. He kept it as a pet until two years later when the sick howler monkey urinated blood on the carpet. To punish the monkey, the caveman blew into one of the hollow tubes. Air whistled out of the poor howler monkey's ears and skin. The caveman realized what an awesome battle weapon this would be.
As cavemen gradually evolved into Scotsmen, they continually tried to reproduce this whistling and screeching, and sick howler monkeys filled with tubes evolved into the modern bagpipes.
Role in the Scottish Wars of Independence[edit]
King Jock of Scotland was a great fan of the bagpipe, but his playing angered the neighbours (England) so much that after the Asbo failed to make any difference they invaded. Bagpipes were used to great effect by Mel Gibson's Hollywood militia. This tactic allowed the Scots to push the English back to Benidorm (an English Colony since 1960).
This worked well until the English brought in Welsh Language Singers. The Battle of Glasgow was the first battle in which these Welsh Mercenaries were used. As a result, the inhabitants of Glasgow have never recovered the ability to speak coherently. The English then devised new technology — earplugs — which let them march to Stornaway.
There they decided they didn't like the place and Spain looked better anyway, but not before they broke every bagpipe in the country. The quality of sound produced by the Bagpipe has never improved since then. It still sounds like a terminally ill cat appearing in an even more-disturbed-than-usual episode of the Saw franchise whose just had its tail stepped on by Godzilla and asked Barney Bush for an interview. Then again, it couldn't get much worse.
Bagpipe trivia[edit]
Bagpipes are one of the world's most loved instruments. To hear the skirl of the pipes coming out of the mist on a frosty morning is to know one of the true joys of living. Those who have never experienced such are urged to find their way to the nearest Highland Games and find out what they have been missing. Connor Hogan states that the best way to play the bagpipes is with a penknife.
German soldiers in World War Two feared nothing as much as the sound of the Highland pipes.
The related Northumbrian Pipes disturbed the peace of Northern England, but were held in check by famous rapper and skilled bowman Robin in da 'Hood.
The Brazilians call the bagpipe gaita de foles, which is Portuguese for "screams of the tortured monkey."
Bagpipe quotations[edit]
"Bring not bagpipes to a man in treble," - WC Fields.
"Bagpipes are the lost connection between noise and music," - Jim Davis
"I firmly believe that distance adds enchantment to the bagpipes" - WB Yeats.
"Definition of a 'gentleman' - someone who knows how to play the bagpipes but doesn't," - Ronnie Corbett.
"The Irish invented the bagpipes as a joke and gave them to the Scottish, they still haven't found out," - Denis Leary.
"I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig." - Alfred Hitchcock
"Some men there are love not a gaping pig; some, that are mad if they behold a cat; and others, when the bagpipe sings...cannot contain their urine." -William Shakespeare
See Also[edit]
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