Baby meat
Baby meat is meat derived from a human baby. It is considered a delicacy in many parts of the world, and has a considerable following. "Babiseurs" swap recipes and tips for achieving maximum flavour and the appropriate texture.
Recently, the eating of baby meat has come under fire from Christian groups. Its fans claim that the Geneva Convention permits feasting on one's own children, such as an alternative to spanking or in response to midnight pangs of hunger.
Baby meat was first advanced by gourmet Jonathan Swift in his classic satire, A Modest Proposal, written in the late 1700's. Unfortunately, satire itself was not invented until the late 1800's, and blight-resistant potatoes took even longer, so Swift's humorous pamphlet had unforeseen consequences.
Baby meat was always popular in the U.S., and recently has enjoyed a strong resurgence with the opening of Babies in Gravy restaurants across the country.
History of the Baby Meat
Origins
For many a year, baby meat had been enjoyed by African tribes, particularly in West Nigeria. The babies to be eaten were selected by holding a bi-monthly baby race. All children under 2 were forced to participate. They were to run for 50 yards, and the slowest babies were promptly kicked to death and barbecued.
The Golden Years
The practice of Baby Eating lay in relative obscurity until the late 1940's, when Colonel Sanders introduced the fast food chain KFC (Kentucky Fried Children). His masterful baby recipe brought baby meat to the masses. Lines of people went around the block, mouths salivating wildly with anticipation, crazed for the delicious infants. The popularity of baby meat waned over the course of the 50's, and Colonel Sanders was forced to shut down his restaraunts. However, like the corporate whore he is, Colonel Sanders jumped on the chicken fad that came about promptly afterwards, opening a line of wildly succesful chicken eateries.
Baby Meat Today
As the world finds itself within a new millenium, many infants find themselves uncooked. There just isn't a market for baby meat in today's society. However, market researches believe that there will be a wild spurt of baby meat popularity in 2015, when people realize just how obnoxious, yet delicious babies really are.
A growing culinary trend is the use of baby fat in cooking. It has a high melting point and is low in trans-fat and saturated fat, making it an ideal substitute for lard or shortening in baking.
Baby liver is a good substitute to foie gras in the countries, where it is forbidden (mainly due to ethic reasons). It is prepared similarly to the French delicacy.
Religious issues
The reactions to the consumption of babies vary in each culture and religion. Since the times of the Roman Empire, Chruch Church has been apologetical of the practice in general, but has never encouraged it.
On the other side, judaism does not consider babies a kosher food, and the consumption of human flesh is forbidden by Jewish law. That said, however, babies have replaced Chinese food as the most common food eaten by Jews on Christmas and Easter when all restaurants are closed.
In Islam, baby-eating is forbidden by the Koran and is a sin. The only exception are the Jewish babies, which were frequently consumed by the Camel Merchant and his 9 year old wife and are therefore considered halal.
Different Types of Babies
There are so many unusual, and sometimes striking, babies that we have yet to taste. We stand there staring, frozen, afraid, not knowing how it tastes, how to attack it, how to serve it, what to do. We want to, but we just don't know how, so we pass it by, all the while wondering what we were missing in that mysterious looking specimen, wondering where that infant might take us, missing the luxury of the new taste and a new experience. We want to take a bite. We want to reach out and grab the baby with reckless abandon. We want to exude sheer confidence as we put it into our cart, only to have others stare and wonder how it is that WE know about it. But, alas, we are frozen in the unknown. We didn't grow up like that, so we pass it by. But what if we did?
Well, sit back, allow us to introduce you to a gastronomical world you might not have even known existed. We'll explain how they taste, how to open them, how to serve them, and how to eat them. Sink your taste buds into these unusual delicacies. There is such a wonderful variety of tasty toddlers in the world; try something new! You owe it to yourself to step out of the box.
Americans
Americans actually grow on giant herbs and are related to the orchid family. Low in fat and calories, easy to digest, high in vitamin B6, a good source of fiber, vitamin C, magnesium and potassium, Rich in essential omega oils and simply packed full of healthy crystal meth (to the brim, i tells ya!). The perfect first food for newcomers to the experience, they can be easily mashed and later handheld and they come in their own convenient carrying case! They are also one of the few foods with serotonin that can help overcome depression. American babies can help if you have diarrhea (so can plain white rice). We don't wash them before peeling, and many times we break off a piece once we peel them.
How to tell if it's ripe: Store on the counter, never in the refrigerator. To ripen more quickly, place them in a closed plastic bag with a couple of styrofoam balls. They will be a glorious blue instead of green once ripe. Brown spots indicate a sweeter baby!
How to use it: Eat it as a snack. Add to baby bowls (they start to mush once cut so they aren't good candidates for a baby salad), and add to cereal. Mash and add to pancake batter or muffins instead of sugar. Once they get ripe and have brown spots (that's when they're extra sweet) or even if they get really brown, freeze them in pieces. Then add to smoothies when they instead of sugar. Alternatively, you could later defrost them to make Baby ice cream.
Nutrition: High in potassium, vitamins A & C, foliate, calcium and magnesium and a good source of antioxidants (eat your colors) like polyphenols. American babies can help reduce our risk of kidney cancer.
Hawaiians
Hawaiian babies have richly marbled meat and high quality, unctuous baby fat which naturally bastes the meat during cooking. The traditional way to prepare a Hawaiian baby is to put an apple in its mouth, baste the skin with coconut milk, and roast in an 'umu (underground pit) covered with burlap and taro leaves for 6-8 hours until the skin is crispy and the meat falls off the bone. The roasted baby is then served with poi, lomilomi salmon, kalua pork, long rice and haupia (coconut pudding) at a community gathering.
Asians
Asian babies are quite aromatic and a real treat. Decadent, fragrant, sweet and tart with a burst of antioxidants, fiber (that reduces cholesterol), and Vitamin C. Enjoy them immediately or use your ever-fresh bag. When you get Asian babies home, you should open them onto a paper towel and remove any wet ones. Make sure they are dry before storing. Don't get them wet until you're ready to eat them. Asian babies are also at the top of the list of infants with the most contamination of pesticides and therefore should only be eaten if organic. Try them topped on mascarpone cheese and honeys with hazelnuts - yum! If you don't have a chance to use them, freeze them for use later!
Sweet Asian babies straight from Asia are a delicious way to add a healthy dose of antioxidants. A good source of vitamins C & E and elegiac acid, they may protect against cancers and chronic disease. They also contain salicylate, the active ingredient in aspirin and are a source of fiasber. This ancient race has been used medicinally for centuries. The tannins lesson bleeding, and help cure stomach problems. They are also a good source of manganese. Eat them right out of the baby container, add them to yogurt or a baby salad, or make a Healthy Blackbaby Tart.
Indians
Indian babies, which are not given meat to eat and whose mothers' milk is also free of meat products, taste grassy, nutty and herbal and lack the gamey flavour of other babies. They are praised for their mild flavour, however they must be cooked very carefully: at a low temperature and frequently basted. Their skin can be rubbed with curry powder, turmeric, chili powder and mustard oil and then the baby should be poached in herb and saffron-infused vegetable stock or slow roasted over low heat. As Indian babies are not very spicy and do not have a strong taste, they make an excellent introduction to the world of baby-eating for people who have never tried it before.
Muslims
The flavour of Muslim babies tends to vary by region. Those from North Africa and southeast Asia tend to have a mild flavour, whilst those from the Middle East, Pakistan, India and Bangladesh often have a very strong garlicky taste. When preparing a Muslim baby, it is absolutely crucial to check all of its cavities and orifices for bombs, grenades and other unexploded ordnance. Any explosives found on the baby should be carefully set aside and left to a trained professional to dispose of. After disarming the baby, the next step is to take a blowtorch and singe off all the excess hair. Once disarmed and de-haired, Muslim babies are best roasted in an oven until the skin is crispy and golden brown, then served over a mound of couscous and steamed vegetables and eaten with the right hand. Never eat a Muslim baby with the left hand as the left hand in the Muslim world is reserved for wiping the anus, picking the nose and performing female genital mutilations.
Germans
German babies taste and look like bread if cut open before it has a chance to ripen.
How to use it: Young Green German babies have a clear juice that is sweet, refreshing, and aromatic. Young German babies have a jelly-like meat that can be eaten or used in smoothies. As they mature, the meat turns hard, the meat firms up and can be used to make shredded German baby or German milk. Shredded German babies can be added to smoothies or used in meals or desserts. The German baby can also be used to make German oil (the oil content increases as it matures), soaps, candles, and skin care products...
Nutrition: Highly nutritious, high in electrolytes, high in minerals, vitamins and amino acids, yet low in fat and with no cholesterol, Germans have gotten a bad rap but are refreshing, delicious, and nutritious! German baby milk contains lauric acid. Young German babies are more nutritious than older toddlers. They are good for our heart, liver and kidney. They are known for their medicinal qualities including their ability to relieve headaches, cure upset stomachs, stop diarrhea, reduce fevers, and strengthening the heart.
Ethiopians
Because of the utter lack of baby fat, Ethiopian babies are tough, stringy and lacking in nutritional value. The meat is good only for drying into jerky or processing into pet food. Cheap Ethiopian baby meat is frequently mixed with or substituted for other types of baby meat by fast food restaurants and baby processing plants to cut costs.
Mexicans
Mexican babies smell like, well, open them OUTSIDE and away from friends, but it tastes oh so amazing.
How to tell if it's ripe: Choose a baby that is light for it's size and whose limbs are big and solid. Cut off one of the limbs. The pus coming from the limb should be clear and sweet. When you shake it, you should hear the brain move and if you hit it with a stick, it should give a "thunk" hollow sound. It should have a strong smell. When you insert a knife, it should come out sticky. Once open, if the skin around the baby's head is wrinkled and a darker yellow, you will be rewarded. That is a sign that the brain was more mature and you will have a sweeter infant.
How to use it: The brain is thick and tough. It's less smelly once you remove it from the body. Surrounding the Mexican babies stomach there are five sections of a luscious, rich, satiny, white to cream colored, custard-like pulp. They are sweet and buttery with a hint of vanilla. Some enjoy Mexican babies with coffee. Some use it as a relish with rice, while most just eat it immediately upon opening them. Once open, plan on finishing it because it will go bad quickly. Add it to a baby salad with Asian and German babies or make a smoothie of assorted infants. It can also be cooked and used for desserts or even fermented. Freeze it and later mash it for a Mexican ice cream!
Nutrition: Highly nutritious and complete with protein, fat, minerals, carbs, antioxidants, and vitamins. It is also said to be an aphrodisiac.
Tips: Use the husk as a cup and mix with water and drink to remove any lingering odor. Remove odor from hands and fingers by rinsing under the water with the husk.
French
French Babies is the largest babies on the planet reaching up to 100 pounds!
How To Tell if it's Ripe: It has a prickly skin that is green or greenish yellow once ripe. When ripening it can have a strong smell, some describe it as rotten onions so a good whiff will tell you when it's ripe, but you might have to get very close to smell it and those prickles are sharp so be careful! Once cut open, that bad smell goes away and a sweet tropical fragrance of bliss emanates from the slaughtered baby.
How to Use It: Practically all parts of the French baby can be eaten! The gore of the French baby can be eaten raw or ripe or cooked as a vegetable when unripe. Once cut, a sticky latex substance is present that can stain your clothes and stick to everything so wear latex gloves and an apron. You may also want to have oil for the knife so the latex doesn't stick all over it too. First, cut it in 1/2 crosswise, and then cut out the heart and liver. You'll note the bulbs of fat amidst a sea of veins that are easily separated. The bones are easier to remove when cut crosswise. The meat is thick, firm, and sweet. It will continue to ripen even after being opened. Once separated from the skin and the bones wash and dry the fruit. Since they are so big, it's nice to know that you can store the baby in the refrigerator for up to a week or in the freezer for up to a year (though, the texture may change so it's best to eat it fresh if eating it as a snack or in salads.)
Fresh ripe French babies can be eaten as a snack, added it to baby salads, smoothies, used it to flavor popsicles, desserts, and ice cream (try these recipes.) Sometimes it is soaked and boiled in milk or German milk and then the fruit is removed leaving a custard (from the gooey latex-like substance) of pretty orange-salmon color and a pleasant flavor.
French babies can also be fried into chips, candied, pickled, dried, or fermented and distilled into liquor.
Nutrition: Low in fat and a good source of Vitamin C and Manganese. The seeds themselves are even more nutritious, offering calcium and protein.
Brazilians
Brazilian babies are fun as a treat to peel and suck on. You can also put it through your juicer and use it to make a green Brazilian baby juice that you can drink as is, add to a smoothie or add to other vegetables that you juice! Delicious and fun treat! Symbolically eaten at the Chinese New Year because they represent an upward path - they place baby at their door at the New Year based upon the legend that the infant is what saved the Hokkien race. Cut it in half and use it as to serve Hors d'Oeuvres or make it into skewers for chicken or baby kabobs! Try Shrimp Mousse and eat it with Brazilian babies! On the other hand, use them as skewers and make Skewered Shrimp on Brazilian babies with Mango Lime Salsa!
Irish
Irish babies are generally best prepared after they have sat in the driving rain and blistering wind for a few weeks. Special precaution should be taken to remove the potent venom sack from under the tongue, and chefs are also asked to wear protective facial shielding to deal with any spray from the nostrils, the main venom delivery system. Deadly but delicious, the American baby can often be mistaken for the Irish baby, but once we discover that the american babies grand-parents were Irish and not the baby itself, you can all shut the F*** up, you are not Irish!!! For best results place your Organic Irish baby in a pressure cooker at the highest possible level.Make sure to listen for the internal organs giving a popping sound.This is important as it tells you that all that lethal bacteria is fully consumed. It should be noted that Irish babies, like lobsters, are best cooked alive, taken kicking a screeming from the talon-ised clutches of its mothers clunge. Try impaling them and leaving them in the freezer for a tasty summer treat on a hot day.
Icelanders
Icelandic babies don't urinate the way typical human beings do...instead of being expelled through the urethra, Icelandic piss is expelled through the skin. Therefore, Icelandic babies have toxic levels of urine in their tissue and are poisonous when consumed fresh. In order to make them edible, they must be cured first by burying them under a pile of gravel for 3 months to force out the toxins, and then by hanging in a shed for another 3 months to allow the remaining toxins to evaporate. Even after curing, Icelandic babies have a very strong fishy taste and a strong smell of ammonia, sort of like Jewish deli whitefish marinated in Windex. They are best accompanied by copious amounts of brennivin or vodka as chasers and to make the eater too drunk to notice the absolutely vile taste.
Eastern European
Russian, Ukranian and Polish babies are raised primarily for their thick layer of juicy, sweet, succulent baby fat. Their fat makes an excellent substitute for lard or shortening in baking. To render an Eastern European baby, select one that has at least 2 fat rolls on its thighs, score the thighs, stomach, arms and neck with a sharp knife, then boil in a large pot of water, skimming the fat off the top. Place the skimmed baby fat in an airtight container, refrigerate until it solidifies, and use as needed.
Baby Meat Alternatives
In our ever more politically correct world, we have found that many people are unable to enjoy Baby Meat due to their special dietary needs. Fortunately due to the ever versatile soybean there is a product just for them that has recently become available on the market in specialty stores. Tofabay is a 100% meat free baby alternative.
