Comcast
Comcast is a mass(ive) media and cable company in the United States. It was founded in 1969 by Satan to bring overpriced Internet/TV/home phone service packages to unsuspecting American consumers with the finest customer service Hell can offer. The family-owned business is seen by many as the beginning of the end times, as the Prince of Darkness is using it to expand his territory onto Earth. This is primarily through monopolistic and anti-competitive practices, although gobbling up NBC and Time Warner Cable helped too. Comcast is the world's second-largest corporation, behind only Walmart, which it also plans to buy out one day for complete control of the American economy.
Services offered[edit]
Comcast offers a variety of services to anyone who will listen to their serpentine sales representatives.
Cable television[edit]
Comcast has traditionally been known for the cable television service it has been selling since it was founded. After customers sign over their souls in blood, a demon will install a cable box capable of displaying over 666 channels in crisp HD. Most of these channels are garbage nobody ever watches, but Satan will gladly sell his customers additional channel packages for the low price of sacrificed goats and first-born sons.
The first month shows a bill of about $39.99, then steadily begins to climb over subsequent months, much like the temperatures of the fires of Hell.
Cable Internet access[edit]
Satan saw opportunity in the new-fangled invention of the Internet, and heartily gloated at the willingness of those stupid humans to pay to access their cat pictures and Uncyclopedia. Thus, he directed his more technically-inclined minions to give Comcast the ability to act as an Internet service provider (ISP). To make his new services all the more sinfully tempting, Satan mandated that his customers would receive (mostly) speedy access over cable as well. This could then be bundled together with the cable TV service at a somewhat lower price, so as to tempt his victims further.
Comcast Internet is known to not support net neutrality principles. Sinful sites such as pornography and gambling sites are given a fast lane, while competing services, such as religious sites promoting God's services, are throttled or outright blocked.
Home phone service[edit]
Mainly opted for by the elderly who have not moved on to cell phones yet. This is, in fact, by design. Satan added home phone service as an option for the Comcast package to more efficiently target those who are closer to entering the lake of fire.
Customer service[edit]
Comcast is infamous for its award-winning customer service. Staffed 24/7 by an assortment of hellspawn and managed by a team of fallen angels, Comcast customer support offers pissed customers only the finest torture experience one can enjoy while still alive. The fact of the matter is that all of Comcast's support representatives are also in the sales department; out of every 100 calls, at least two of them must result in the customer being persuaded to add another eternity of damnation onto the one(s) they already purchased as part of their service package. Employees who do not meet this quota are given coaching, and consistently poor performers are quite literally fired.
Once one sells their soul to Comcast in exchange for TV and Internet, it is notoriously hard, if not impossible, to get it back and cancel the service. Customer service representatives feel little compassion for those they supposedly serve, as they only truly serve their horned dark master. Also, they need to meet their aforementioned quota, and unlike the forgiving Jesus Christ, these demons honestly don't care how much one begs, pleads or threatens legal action to cancel their account. If the customer is especially persistent, they may simply get transferred to a retentions facility. Truly, only a holy miracle can save the poor sinner who opted for Comcast high-speed Internet.
Year after year, Comcast racks up awards from various consumer and business groups, especially for its customer service. Awards such as "F-", "Worst Company of the Year", and "Useless Gobshites of the Year" are considered by Satan as recognition of his company's successful efforts to make life for their customers a living hell whenever the next bill comes in or they contact the company. Comcast actually feeds off of this negative energy to further increase its revenue; this is the opposite of what happens in most companies, except possibly Microsoft.
Xfinity[edit]
By the year 2010, news of Comcast's unholy horrors spread, leading many new enlightened churchgoers to begin avoiding the company like the plague. This was cause for concern to Satan, who feared that his flow of new customers would begin to slow as a result. Quick strategic thinking was required to save his company of the damned.
It was not long before Satan got the inspiration he needed, when a would-be customer rejected his services while calling him by one of his other names, Beelzebub. It suddenly struck him that a rebranding might be just what his company needed to lure in new victims. After consulting some of Comcast's executives in an emergency board meeting, they settled on the new "Xfinity" name for the company's cable services. It was Baal who in fact suggested it, with the X representing a tilted cross and the latter part taken from "infinity", indicative of how long sinners would be stuck suffering with their services. Of course, Satan claimed all the credit, and many unsuspecting consumers were duped into signing up under the new brand name.